To think couples who can’t afford IVF shouldn’t try to crowdfund it?

[DearOpalFinch]

Having a baby is a personal choice. Is it fair to expect strangers to pay for it?

Exactly. There is no "we" in this.

Yes, the two things are not comparable.

It's very naive and simplistic to think limiting access to IVF and talking up adoption and fostering is going to lead to infertile couples successfully taking care of DC who, as you say, are usually extremely damaged. There's no automatic correlation between being infertile and both wanting and being capable of providing good fostering care. If people want to reduce free IVF access, they should make that argument on it own merits.

Crowdfunding is more palatable to me than the NHS paying for single / same sex / old couples to get IVF paid for on the NHS...

People crowdfund for all sorts of things including trips and weddings.
Would I do it, no. Would I interfere in somebody else doing it, also no.
Nobody is being forced to contribute.

I do agree with you OP but if I had to I would rather donate to that than to people who are stranded in foreign hospitals without travel insurance.

YABVU

Infertility is utterly devastating and soul-destroying.

People go to great lengths in their struggle to overcome it, often finding themselves bankrupt in the process.

Do you/would you condemn cancer sufferers asking for help with - sometimes similarly hopeless - treatments in the same way?

I think there’s a big difference between societal safety nets, like child/childcare-related benefits, and crowdfunding for something as specific and personal as IVF. Benefits are part of a broader social contract, where everyone contributes through taxes to support families and children, recognising that raising the next generation benefits society as a whole.

Crowdfunding, on the other hand, feels more personal and targeted - it’s about asking individuals for support in a way that’s often tied to emotional appeals rather than collective responsibility. I think that’s where the discomfort arises for me. It’s not that I think people shouldn’t ask for help if they need it but it does raise questions about fairness and access.

For example, would someone who doesn’t have a compelling story or wide network be less likely to succeed in crowdfunding, even if their need is just as great? It’s an interesting contrast to public benefits, which are more structured and, ideally, equitable.

You say it invites judgment and scrutiny and yet, you can choose not to engage in these things with relative ease. You can accept the profound privilege gifted at your birth, that you have never been in the position to have to ask for this help publicly.

You seem to recognise it is an incredible privilege to maintain the privacy allowed to people who can get everything they want through accumulated wealth, yet do not recognise that the great injustice to those that don’t. You would rather engage in public discourse cutting down these people and joining in their judgement.

I say, let people find whatever happiness they can. The great majority of these crowd fundings never reach their goal and I don’t think anyone crowd funding anything like IVF or private medical treatment takes any great joy in having to beg strangers for even just £1.

If I don’t want to donate I can still wish them well. No one is making anyone else be a judgey cow to those in desperate situations they themselves have never faced

It wouldn't bother me, as long as I wasn't forced to contribute. Having a child isn't a frivolous want. We are going to need people to be paying taxes and keeping the country running in future. They may have an income which would enable them to support a child but not the money upfront to spend on IVF. Some are lucky and have no issues getting pregnant. It's not their fault they aren't lucky. I'd be less impressed at someone wanting me to fund their holiday or lack of travel insurance.

Nothing wrong with asking as long as no pressure is put on anybody (which I don't think crowdfunding does.) It's much better than putting people on the spot by asking them to their face.

If it was my sister or one of my cousins I'd give everything I could afford.
If it was a friend I'd make a donation.
If it was someone I barely knew I'd just scroll past.

Nothing wrong with any of those reactions and, as long as the crowdfunders accept them all, there's nothing wrong with what they're doing, imo.

I don't believe in crowdfunding for selfish enterprises. There's nothing to stop people trying it but they should be aware others will judge them.

So, your problem isn't with the privacy or public sharing of infertility?
You don't have a problem with IVF?
It's crowdfunding and fundraising per se?

If I don’t want to donate I can still wish them well. No one is making anyone else be a judgey cow to those in desperate situations they themselves have never faced

Might also be a judgey bull...

It doesn't matter whether you "believe" in it or not. It happens. Don't donate, it's entirely voluntary.

It should be a free choice whether to donate or not donate to crowdfunding. But personally we are increasingly finding ourselves being pressured into donating. Two people (one a friend and one a family member) repeatedly asking for donations for something uncritical they should save up and pay for themselves imo. And a family member who wants ivf which I don't think would be a good idea (addiction issues, older single woman with no steady job and no fallback to look after the child if something happens to her). And yet the pressure if constantly there. Every meet up or event in the wider family is spent discussing the (nonexistant) baby, who has contributed, who hasn't. It's an absolute circus and increasingly difficult to opt out of.

Loads of people do. There used to be popular sites where women could post “appeals” for money towards boob jobs, and men could donate and then request photos. Plenty of people crowdfund for holidays or new furniture or moving costs, many are nowhere near destitute.

I’d rather eat my own eyeball than crowdfund for anything, but I know a mum who has recently raised £250k for her 4 year old to go to the US for cancer treatment; and I’m full of admiration for her. I’d hope I could get the hang of it in that situation! It could be life changing for them.

Whenever a friend is raising money— for a charity run, a new wheelchair, whatevever — I always chuck in £5-£20 because they're my friend and it's not a big deal.

You are pretty much saying the same thing over and over again but phrasing it differently

I am OK with this, it is an individual choice to donate or not. The crowdfunding I am not happy with is where someone faces expenditure which could have been avoided by reasonable steps, such as those who went on holiday without travel insurance and became ill.

Hence I said 'there's nothing to stop people trying it' 🙄

You said you didn't "believe" in it. It exists. Your choice to donate, or not.

I think this is OK. No one is forced to donate.

My friend (‘work acquaintance I have on social media’) recently crowdfunded money for dinners out because she went on holiday with her parents and they got in a fight and they all refused to have meals together on holiday after that, but she has no savings, so set up a GFM so she could eat out without them for the rest of her trip. 🤷🏻‍♀️ She had some lovely brunches and dinners by the looks of it. World is your oyster if you’re willing to ask I suppose!

I know, I do wonder why some people don't twig that. Give/don't give 🙍

I didn't chose to suffer from infertility. We eventually had a baby without IVF but I feel for women who have to go through that. Those who fell pregnant easily will never understand.

So maybe it's because I've experienced some of what these women go through but I'm far more likely to donate to these kind of crowdfunders than others.