Do you believe the dads who say ‘she stopped me from seeing my kids for NO reason’?

[thecherryfox]

long story short, when I was pregnant I had to flee my abuser as he was making threats on my life. I had to seek help from multiple professions - all of which including the police told me to not allow my newborn to have contact with this dangerous individual.

My abuser went full force with his smear campaign against me, he told everyone I didn’t allow contact with our baby ‘for no reason’ and I was bitter among lots of awful horrible lies about me. He also started a go fund me called ‘daddy’s matter’ where he victimised himself and claimed he was a victim of alienation. During the relationship, he isolated me from my own family and friends so I had to rely on his family and friends. During his smear campaign, he ensured I lost those family and friends so I had no one.

it broke me watching these people believing I wasn’t letting him see his child because I was this horrible monster and no one questioned why I didn’t allow him. I’ve heard so many experiences from other victims of abuse where they have also experienced this and because we protect our children - our abusers get treated like they’re the victims. Everyone believing their lies helps abuse their victim further.

so I guess my question is, do you believe men when they say that their ex is ‘bitter’ and stopped them for no reason - or do you question why don’t let them. Because I can assure you, the parents who ARE ‘bitter’ are such a small percentage and the truth is that us parents have to do it to protect us and our children.

My friend was dating an abusive chronic alcoholic and would always complain how unfair it was that his ex-wife had stopped unsupervised contact with their children following several extremely troubling incidents where the children had reported that he was drunk when caring for them and that he had been driving with them in the car while clearly intoxicated.
The boyfriend had been telling my friend about his horrible bitch of an ex since their very first date (always a major red flag!) and, for some reason, despite my friend being exposed to his drinking and behaviour every day, she was willing to accept that the ex-wife was being the unreasonable one based on her boyfriend's word rather than recognising that his ex's priority was to protect her children from her alcoholic ex.

So are all the posters with direct experience of it on this thread lying then?

These men who ‘go to court’ (which a lot of them don’t even bother with), are almost never going for custody, interestingly enough. The ex is apparently a terrible harridan who doesn’t let them see their kids/doesn’t take care of the kids properly, but they’d rather leave the kids with said evil woman than be the resident parent.

Funny, that.

I could have written this. My DH’s ex partner cheated and the relationship broke up but she then did everything to poison his relationship with his daughter and prevent/make difficult any contact with her. We spent years and thousands back and forth to court but she was allowed to get away with breaching court orders time after time.

Sadly, his daughter is now 19 and as she believed the lies dripped in her ear over the years, he hasn’t seen her since the age of 7. It’s heart breaking but we still post a card and present for her through the maternal grandparents door every Christmas and Birthday. It’s just all the other milestones he’s missed and likely will continue to miss that is so sad and upsetting.

19year old adults make their own mind up.

They do, but minds that have been manipulated and conditioned to accept lies as truth have not exactly been put in a position to give the father a fair hearing.

No I also find it a red flag if a man talks a badly about the mother of his children. I also think if you’re a single mum you would appreciate a break from the kids

It depends if they are doing anything about it. If a man is going through the courts to see his children then I'm more likely to believe him. But all of those that I've met who say this aren't making any effort. It's just a convenient excuse and sounds better than admitting they don't give a shit.

Yes, they do. But when they’ve been consistently told one version of events by someone they love and trust, why would they question it.

even if they have any doubt, they risk blowing up their entire world- if it is true, they could ruin their relationship with their mum for a dad that is a deadbeat. If it isn’t true, they will still ruin their relationship with their mum, for someone who may be a decent bloke but it will still take time to build up trust and a relationship. Especially if they are still living at home or are financially dependent on parents.

so they stick with their comfort zone. Don’t blame them tbh.

Generally, no. But occasionally yes, but occasionally it's true. And not because someone says so, but because have eyes.

I certainly wish I was lying.

But of course that openly evil woman DID have a reason. However most people wouldn't see taking the child to another continent to be with her new bloke, as a valid reason to lie, and to plan to falsely accuse her ex of sexual abuse of their child if need be.

Very occasionally, yes I do. I have seen women weaponise their children and behave atrociously, but it's very rare. Usually it's the other way round and men genuinely seem baffled that their horrible behaviour has consequences.

No. It's the reddest of flags.

No. I accept it can and does happen but in my experience the guy doesn’t want to be a dad so makes no effort or was a dangerous partner.

My step father has daughters he isn’t allowed to see and my mother has never once considered that there might be a reason or asked for any evidence to back it up. One reason of many that my kids have never been allowed there without me.

I remember a comedian reply to that by saying 'did you se your daddy hiding in the bushes on sports day to see you run? Or did you see your daddy at the school gates waving at you?' No, your mummy didn't prevent him from anything.

In the vast majority of cases, both feel that they have good reasons to stop or not have contact, and it then comes down to whether it is indeed a good enough reason.

I certainly believe they are mothers who do hold extremely high standards and believe the father should hold them to for them to feel contact with their dad is worth it.

This is where it becomes difficult. The Courts have quite lower standards than mothers, and a mother's will can be stronger than anything when it comes down to her children.

It depends entirely on the scenario, and for the childrens sake it shouldn’t be something thats widely known or gossiped about.

The woman who brought about our birth successfully convinced social services and the courts that our dad was a danger to us. However she only managed to stop abusing us for six weeks, it was then harder to explain the cuts, bruises, lack of food and dirty clothes. It took another 18 months for us to be removed from her care despite social services now knowing she was the abuser.

No more than women who claim their dc were removed by SS for no reason.

SS?

What does that have to do with this post?

Sadly I know of two women who were the guilty parties (one had an affair, one told her husband she only wanted him for the child and now had no interest in him - this was a horrible saga) and then absolutely withheld the children, demanded money with menaces, behaved appallingly and with men who both owned the homes prior to the partnerships, never failed to care or provide and truly were not at fault. Both men had great second relationships.

I also know of men who really couldn't care less about their kids.

I can't tag anything on one group, as I know that's not always the case.

Exactly.

I've met many of these dudes and I usually take it with a large pinch of salt although I wouldn't say I always completely disbelieve because every situation is different and sometimes it does happen.

I do believe this happens. I know someone who it happened to. It took socual services and a court to reinstate access.

I think both happens but usually it’s disinterested men.

My friend left her abusive husband and moved back to their home town from abroad with 2 children. He kept some contact. She saw his parents regularly until they retired and moved away and then she even went to stay with them.
He never visited once and his contact dropped.
10 years later he turned up and demanded to see them. Neither remember him, and one is very disabled and would find contact out of blue distressing. Luckily he didn’t know where they lived or went to school and he’s too scared of her dad to go there.
On Facebook he put posts on about how he’s been denied access and information about his children for 10 years.
She would give him access and contact. But she doesn’t want them to see him without some contact before. 5 years later he’s not contacted them again.

I also have a friend who moved with agreement with ex she would keep up contact. She lied. She dumped their child on him a few times to go on holiday but then stopped. He’s an adult now with no contact with his dad. He wasn’t a bad person. It was an unhappy marriage on both sides.

You are a smart lady. Wish more women had your brains.