She is SO much prettier

[BellsNava]

The above is a statement from my mother, about my eldest daughter in comparison to my 3 younger daughters.

For context my eldest daughter has a different dad to my younger daughters, he is Spanish and my eldest looks distinctly Spanish (tan skin, dark hair etc.) she is 23 now and undeniably gorgeous.
My younger girls are 11, 13 and 15 and I think they are also gorgeous, my 15 year old is being bullied and a lot is around looks.

My mum went on to list all the ways my eldest is prettier, tall, slim with abs, long legs, beautiful long dark hair, tanned, “gorgeous face”.
Then she listed all the ways my younger girls aren’t as “pretty”, short, “a little chubby” (I don’t even think this is true), acne, not very “pretty in the face”.

I was gobsmacked and told my mum that sentiment isn’t appreciated. She then said oh but you can’t argue with facts, and listed the ways they are “better” than my eldest (more friendly and sociable, “just” as smart etc.) before wrapping up with it’s a shame but it’s life.

AIBU to think this is good grounds for no contact? My mum is very vain and my eldest is her favourite grandchild (despite knowing her the least as my eldest hasn’t lived in the UK since she was 11). She has never said any of this to my children but I feel that’s beside the point.

Subtle as a brick your Mum ......
I wouldn't do the whole no contact stuff - the ramifications are far too damaging. But she needs to know that you do not want to hear any more of this crap ever again.

I wish everyone commenting would read the whole thread first.

The oldest daughter is no contact because of childhood abuse and that's why she moved to Spain to live with her father. It's unclear who the abuser was, but her mother claims there was no abuse and that her daughter is just a spoilt brat who moved abroad because she wanted a sunny climate and more money.

I didn’t mention the lack of my relationship with my eldest as it wasn’t relevant to my mums awful comparisons.

Sounds hugely relevant to me. Your mother is going about it entirely the wrong way but she is probably absolutely heartsick at the fact her grandchildren have never met their own sibling and that said sibling has virtually no relationship with her mother.

I agree with the poster that the fact you are contemplating going NC with your mother in what is a hugely fractured family already, is probably quite telling.

Have you read the update where the OP admits the daughter says she was abused as a child and that's why she's N/C?

Of course that’s concerning, it still doesn’t mean that it’s ok for the mother to be negative about the other children. It’s unacceptable. She should feel protective over all her grandchildren. Who knows about the other stuff, I doubt OP will want to divulge the whole family history. It sounds like a lot has happened, I just hope all the kids are ok.

Crikey OP.

I can't imagine my 11 yr old claiming abuse and me not wanting to hear that and letting him move away from me permanently.

If he claimed abuse against a partner, I'd believe him.

If he claimed abuse against me I'd want to know what was going on, how to help, why he thinks that, what I could do differently, how to repair what has clearly deteriorated into a terrible relationship, how to show him I loved him. I'd want to understand if he was projecting and the abuse was coming from someone else and he was taking it out on me. Mostly I'd just want to help him in anyway I could and ensure we regained a loving and unbreakable bond.

I'd never let my 11 year old move away from me. I love him and he needs his mum.

Something has gone v v v v wrong in your relationship with your daughter and that is the big issue here. The problem is not your mum praising your daughter and highlighting her strengths to you. It is your very damaged relationship with your daughter.

Some comments about looks are utterly irrelevant compared to childhood abuse.

You definitely could stop your child moving to another country 😐

Agreed.

I would never allow myself to be separated from my children. Over my dead body would someone take them away or them leave. I love them way to much to just let them go. No way. Police would literally have to pin me down. and if they did go, I don't think I could live with it. I would b a suicide riak. It would be like my heart being ripped out....

You expect it at 18 and gradually work towards that independence. But at 11? No way could I let them go. No way

@BellsNava I hope you’re ok. Mumsnet can be brutal at times!

Firstly, it’s not ok for your mother to say what she did and you need to tell her this very clearly. It’s understandable that she feels defensive towards your eldest but this wasn’t the right way to go about it.

Secondly, it’s an awful situation with your oldest child. You need to respect her wish to not see you. Have you ever apologised to her? Inside she probably still feels like that confused 11 year old child who had little contact with her mother during her teenage years.

Thirdly, if the abuse allegations were lies (I’m saying IF), then it shows that your daughter had very serious MH problems at that time. Did you ever get therapy or other help for her? Children who make stuff up are usually struggling and unhappy.

Jesus, just read the 'abuse that never happened'. No wonder she wants nothing to do with you, OP, was it that she told you she was being abused and you said, nope, not true?

Going no contact over that is way ott

Something went horrendously awry with your relationship with DD1, coinciding with your DD claiming there was abuse. You have chosen to believe it "never happened."

She didn't leave the country for better weather and more pocket money OP.

God your mum sounds insufferable. This would upset me SO much that I would go low contact with her (if she didn't stop when I told her to stop comparing my daughters!)

I mean, you say your eldest DD is 'undeniably gorgeous,' have you perhaps conveyed this to your mother/other people without realising it. My 2 are both really pretty and most people have said that, but I have never said so to anyone, or bragged about it. (Until now LOL!)

It’s all important. The other children need protecting from harm too and if they did get wind of OPs mums comments, they could be very damaging. If OP hasn’t believed her eldest daughter if she said she was abused, then that’s beyond awful, but there’s very limited info to go on about that and I bet OP won’t be keen to post.

It sounds like eldest had a tough time of it and her Grandmother is trying to compensate for her GDs loss as well as keep her memory alive with her UK family.

Its quite sad unfortunately, hope your mum will visit her soon and maybe you could support her to go so that she still has that connection to you that she sees in person time to time.

Obviously you shouldn't go NC with your mum over what seems like a silly extrapolation of the comparison that you offered. I do hope for healing for yourself and Eldest DD as i'm sure it hurts for both of you especially in the quiet in between moments.

This is a sad situation. However, no I wouldn't go NC over this. I would make clear to your mum that she absolutely must not make comparisons in front of the children and call her out if she does do this. However, I would not deprive your kids of a grandmother, no. FWIW my sister is and always has been much prettier, slimmer and sportier than me, and this has been pointed out with greater and lesser degrees of tact and diplomacy over the years. I love her lots and am very close to her. Self-esteem doesn't come from being pretty or being told you are pretty. Absolutely negative or comparative comments on looks are to be avoided full stop BUT overhearing one is not the end of the world.

It's not about rights. It's about love. When a parent loves their child they will fight tooth and nail to keep that child and won't ever let them be taken away from them. They would take a bullet for them, go to the ends of the earth for them...

When a parent loves their child and their child tells them they've been abused, their reaction is to hold them closer than ever, not to just say 'they made it up' or 'it never happened'...

She hasn't seen her daughter in years. Her mum is actually the only one who's seen all four girls in person.

Not that it's relevant. What's far more important is that the reason the oldest daughter is NC with her mum is because she says she was abused as a child and that's why she left to live in Spain with her dad. Her mother says she's lying and just a spoilt brat. Kind of changes the whole tone of this thread, doesn't it?

What was going on in the poor girl's life that she had such an extreme reaction? This is not normal behaviour, and points to something sinister going on - no 11 old girl would choose to be away from their mother just because the other parent 'spoilt' them with material things.

From what your mother says about your eldest, her dad seems to have done a good job of raising her, so he must have done some parenting after all. No parent has the 'right' to move their child to another country from their resident parent, you must have explicitly agreed to this, so for all intents and purposes you have abandoned her willingly and from her point of view quickly replaced her with more children. You should have put all your efforts into healing your relationship with her rather than producing even more children.

ETA I've just seen your post where you say 'The lies related to abuse which never happened' - so reading between the lines, she was abused and you sided with the abuser and didn't believe her. This situation gets worse and worst with each update.

There is obvious family dysfunction behind your original post. However, moving forward you need to accept:

Your eldest daughter is an adult living in a different country who doesn't want a relationship with you.

Your mother has a close relationship with her

Your mother keeps bringing up your eldest with you to put down your youngest children.

You have a couple of ways to deal with it. You can stop contact with your mother or tell her that you won't accept putting your youngest children down if she wants to continue a relationship with you and her grandkids.

There are no many more options left. Your mother is close to your eldest and won't stop being close to her, while your priority is to protect your youngest children.

You would be mad to go NC - this is the only person in your family with a relationship with your child. Cut her off and any link to finding out how your daughter is doing dies there and then.

Your mum is clearly very protective of her granddaughter. I expect she feels you forget about her day to day. She is clumsily asserting the value and significance of your first child as you talk about the others.

As for seeing her as more beautiful - I expect she is. People are more or less beautiful than each other and it’s the rise tinted filter of our parental love that sees them all the same.

That doesn’t mean the beautiful ones are worth more. Nor the sporty ones, nor the strong one etc etc.

As long as your mum never makes these comparisons within hearing of your children, what your mum thinks of their relative qualities doesn’t matter. She’s not spoiling your eldest in front of your other three so it doesn’t affect them.

Not if you’ve got a new partner and replacement children to prioritise.

You want to pretend your eldest doesn't exist. You have effectively no relationship with her, and her sisters haven't met her since they were toddlers. You don't see her.

Your mother clearly isn't going to pretend that she doesn't exist and wants to try and forge a family bond.

You therefore have a choice, accept your mother talking about your eldest in front of your other children.

Or not see your mother as well.

You can obviously ask her not to compare the children but you can't stop her saying positive things about your eldest

Yes, no wonder the daughter is NC. It would have to be a pretty extreme reason for never wanting any contact with your own mother. Not being believed when you told her you were being abused would do it.

I can't believe the OP has the actual nerve to come on a parenting website to moan about her own mother. Some people are unbelievably tone deaf.