To be upset with my sister over baby name choice?

[Bluebones]

I (35F) have been going through the process of trying to conceive for about 2 years. Have recently started the ball rolling with IVF, have previously had IUI with no luck.

my older sister (39F) has 2 DC and didn’t plan on anymore. She fell pregnant unexpectedly and initially was upset at the thought, since her 2 children are teenagers now.

Over Christmas I had joked around my 2 names being off limits. I have had a boy and a girls name picked for a few years, since TTC. I am unsure if I have ever mentioned the names to her. She then said she is sure she is having a girl and she said the name I had picked out. I did say ‘you can’t have that name’ and she said that is the only one her and her husband both like.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her not to use the name?

How should I bring the conversation up again?

You shouldn't.

She can choose any name she wants, and, hard as it is for you, you aren't even pregnant. You aren't even sure if she knew you'd chosen those names!

I am unsure if I have ever mentioned the names to her.

YABU. You would remember if you mentioned them. You likely know you didn’t mention them to her. She can choose whatever name she wants, you don’t get to dictate to her.

Gently op, I really understand how difficult this is and it's a bit shit of her but no one owns a name and you can't tell her not to use it.

It's too late now but maybe a lesson learnt not to mention names you want for future children.

I hope it all works out for you x

Yes very unreasonable. You don't own it. My DD recently had a baby and used the name that DS always said he will have for his first. He's not even planning kids in the near future. It's just tough. And as I pointed out to him he could use the name anyway as would have different surname

Of course you’re going to get all the ‘you don’t own a name’ nonsense but why would anyone do that? So many other names she could pick. I think its very insensitive of her.

My sister had similar feelings to you a decade ago, she hasn't spoken to me since and has no relationship with my two kids. I didn't even know she wanted to name her kids the same as mine. Apparently I stole them deliberately. She has no kids.

If you and your sister have a good relationship I very much doubt that she's deliberately trying to hurt your feelings.

You may have a child and completely change your mind. You should try and value what you have now over something that doesn't exist yet. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

It's perfectly reasonable that two women of a similar age, raised by the same parents in the same household, culture and environment would like the same name. Yes, YABU.

First, the circumstances of her pregnancy are irrelevant. Second, she’s the one who’s actually pregnant, and while it would be nice if she refrained from using the name, it makes sense for her to use it if it’s really the only one she and her husband can agree on.

Third, there’s nothing to be gained from bringing up the topic again. She knows how you feel.

I am unsure if I have ever mentioned the names to her.

So she has picked a name totally independently to you picking a name? This isn't a situation where she's known for ages that this is a name you want to use?
I don't think she should have to change it, but you'd maybe have had a better response from her if you hadn't bluntly said "you can't have that name".

Ugh, yes I am sorry to gently say yabu. It's bloody shit of her (if she knew you liked the name) and I understand you're upset but you have no rights to a name and can't tell her it's your name to use.

@DuskyPink1984 how is the sister to know? Different if she had told her what name she'd like, perhaps. But OP doesn't say that.

If you had definitely mentioned the names then I don’t care what anyone says, that’s shit! If you didn’t mention them, there’s honestly nothing you can say about it as she genuinely hasn’t done anything wrong. I also understand how hard this will all be for you, it can be terribly painful to watch those around you get pregnant so easily and not really even be very happy about it at first when you’re going though it desperately wanting to be pregnant and it means everything to you. It’s hard. I truly hope your time comes soon and you come back on to tell us your happy news. I’m sorry this has hurt you. X

If you’ve never even mentioned the name to her, how could you possibly think you can tell her not to use it?

The background info of IVF and her saying she was done (possibly a while lie considering your circumstances) is all irrelevant.

As shitty as you might feel about it, you are being unreasonable. It really is a case of first come, first served with names. You said she's sure she's having a girl, which makes it sound like she's going on gut instinct and not that she actually found out, so she could have a boy. You could also end up having a boy and nobody uses the name at all.

I'm sorry but your attitude is a bit gross

"She didn't even WANT this baby" is disgusting justification

Get your jealousy in check or you'll ruin your relationship

Putting it bluntly, you want your pregnant sister to avoid using a name that she and her husband both like because you might have a baby one day? YABU. No one “owns” a name 🤷‍♀️

Thank you!

I do know I don’t own the name. There are millions of kids with the same name, I’m sure.

I probably should have said that the comment made around ‘you can’t use the name’ was said as a joke. We both laughed at the time.

Maybe the reason I feel it is unfair is probably more around the circumstances. If I was able to just fall pregnant as easily then I would have used the name a couple of years ago.

We are very very close and this definitely wouldn’t come in the way of our relationship at all.

She does not know the sex of her baby yet and I am not pregnant yet so this might not even be a real issue we have to navigate but I can’t help feeling upset.

First come first served. She likes they name and that's it, You can't be sure she even knew you liked that name.

Both my adult DS and DD have picked the same boy name and told me. Neither of them know this and I won't say a word! I look forward to the race!!

You may not get pregnant. You may not have a girl. Or you may have a baby. Who knows?! Either way if you do end up using the same name you’ll soon see that it’s really not that big a deal in the grand scheme of life!

Sorry, OP, you just have to accept whatever name her and her DH choose.

My SIL has a name she wanted...she i don't think will have another child.
I still would never ever use it, I feel it is disrespectful to her.

we both laughed at the time

She laughed because she thought you were joking which you were.

She probably doesn't even realise this was an issue for you like she probably doesn't know how vitriolic you are about her being able to conceive naturally.

I'm sorry but you are being unreasonable. You aren't pregnant yet, you may even have all boys and if your sister does have a girl, she would then be avoiding a name she loves for nothing.

Like you said as well, she may not even have a girl so I wouldn't worry about it anyway.

Sorry about your fertility struggles, OP.

All you can really do is tell your sister that if you ever manage to have a child you still plan to use the name.

Hmm.

I'm definitely in the "you can't reserve names" camp, but based on your update you could ask your sister if she really has her heart set on using that name, because you've had it picked out for years and if you'd managed to have a baby a few years ago as planned you would have used it for a baby of that sex.

But you really can't tell her not to use the name. There's a 50% chance she will have a baby of that sex, whereas you aren't pregnant yet. And even if your IVF works, which I really hope it does, you might have a baby of the opposite sex.