To be upset with my sister over baby name choice?

[Bluebones]

I (35F) have been going through the process of trying to conceive for about 2 years. Have recently started the ball rolling with IVF, have previously had IUI with no luck.

my older sister (39F) has 2 DC and didn’t plan on anymore. She fell pregnant unexpectedly and initially was upset at the thought, since her 2 children are teenagers now.

Over Christmas I had joked around my 2 names being off limits. I have had a boy and a girls name picked for a few years, since TTC. I am unsure if I have ever mentioned the names to her. She then said she is sure she is having a girl and she said the name I had picked out. I did say ‘you can’t have that name’ and she said that is the only one her and her husband both like.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her not to use the name?

How should I bring the conversation up again?

Yep. Own it

You can’t, but you also have to accept that someone might not to continue a relationship with you if you do something they perceive as hurtful. It is a choice in the end. I absolutely can see it from both sides and I often think is very circumstance dependant.

there is a difference between looking through a baby name book and both randomly picking a common name, to someone you know calling their child an obscure family name from your family that has been passed down the generations that they knew you obviously going to use.

This seems fair enough

My DH chose my DS's name and I chose my DD's, it had absolutely nothing to do with my sister's secret list in her head. There's no way I'd be manipulated into changing them to suit her, it never even crossed my mind. Frankly, it's her loss that she's missed out on a sister, a niece and a nephew for absolutely no reason.

But the OP isn't even pregnant yet
My cousin chose my girls name 3 weeks beforeDD2 was born. My DD ended up named after the MW who delivered her instead

Im assuming 39F is her age and sex not her bra size. Why mention it?

You know I get it......

my sister was pregnant last year and when I asked her if she had picked any names she was very coy about it and didn't want to tell me the girls name.

She then admitted she wanted to call the baby if its a girl "Rosalie". My daughter is called "Rose".

Different scenario to yours, but it really upset me. I asked myself of the million names in the world, why would she have to pick a different form of my daughter's name?

Her baby turned out to be a boy anyway, but I remember how bad I felt back then.

No one owns a name. You can't tell her not to use a name.

You can certainly say "I've been planning to call my baby (insertnamehere) for over 2 years and if you decide to use it too that won't makeme change it, the cousins will just share a name."

Lots of children have someone else in their life with the same name as them. It's really not a big deal. Don't let what your sister does change your plans. Don't expect your plans to change what your sister does.

She didn't know so you just have picked the same name. You may change your mind anyway - the names I thought I'd use didn't get used.

You can use the same name anyway.

Dh has a cousin who has the longer version of his name (like Alex/Alexander). And on the other side two out of three of the female cousins have the same name. And one married someone with the same name as his male cousin just to add to the confusion.
So if someone said "Jane and John", it has to be clarified whether they mean "Jane and John" siblings or "Jane and John" married!

If you ‘joked around’ your two names being off limits, then presumably you did mention them. So while it’s not nice of her to use them - assuming she remembered/knew, you can’t ‘own’ any name.

In any case, any baby you might have in future may not look like the name you thought you wanted. I’ve heard of more than one case where on seeing their new baby, parents thought, :Oh, s/he doesn’t look a bit like a Leo/Cleo - we’ll have to think again!’

You can't reserve a name. But if you intend to try, you do actually have to communicate that in advance.

It's not really even about the fertility issues either. Your treatment could've resulted in multiple DC, still could, and they could easily all be the other sex.

Honestly op, in the grand scheme of things, how big an issue is it really... do you feel you will be less happy or love your baby less if she has a different name?

I am sorry, but YABU

I hope you're able to have the baby you want soon and I have no doubt that you will find the perfect name for your baby.

try not to take it to heart. I had my heart set on a specific Sicilian name (DH is Sicilian). When our son finally came along he just wasn’t that name so he has his own name. Have fun reading lots of books and poetry, or watching films and find lots of lovely new names. I wish you well on your road to conceiving.

Your sister may yet change her mind without your intervention. Potential Roberta may end up looking like a Phyllis on arrival.

Heck when you have your baby (good luck with IVF), you may change your mind.

And there's nothing wrong with cousins having the same name anyway.

Don't make an issue out of it.

It's OK to feel sad/annoyed about it in your own head, but that's where it should stay.

My cousin was going to call her first DS "Freddie poo poo" (obviously not) but when he was born, he didn't look like a Freddie poo poo so she called him Timmy wing wang instead. So she might not use the name anyway.

I do promise you this: whenever you do have a child and whatever name you give your child, it will be perfect for them and you will think it the most special name in the world because it belongs to your child.

This would annoy me as well, but you can not dictate what she names her baby. It might not be a problem, but I would just say you love the name and warn her that if you also have a girl you will use the name even if she does....(even if you are bluffing!). This may make her decide to use a different name.

There is absolutely nothing to stop you using the name of your choice. You could choose a different middle name, possibly even a different spelling. There are 2 girls called Catherine (one with a C one with a K) in my family, albeit the mums are close cousins. The girls have different middle names.

YABU

I don't think this is really about the name. After all, it's only a name. There are millions more to choose from. If you get pregnant, you will be ecstatic, not angry that you can't have a name you chose before. In fact, part of the excitement is choosing a name, that's more fun than going with one you've already selected.

Deep down, if not on the surface, it must hurt that you are not the one who is pregnant, and I think that's ultimately why you're angry with your sister. Not for choosing a name that she didn't even know you wanted to claim.

To be honest picking out names in advance of becoming pregnant is a bit daft. No one owns a name. Most people don't even tell anyone the names they have chosen during pregnancy until the baby is born. There are thousands of names to choose from. When you have a child to name you can choose another one. I can appreciate that your sisters pregnancy is stirring up difficult feelings but you need to recognise that you are being a little unreasonable here.

I took it to mean she hadn’t told her until Christmas?

You don’t own the name, but then, neither does she, so when your baby comes, you’re free to choose any name you want at that time. If it’s the same one, she won’t be in a position to complain, will she? You could try laughing and saying “ we’ll have to call yours Big [name] and mine Little [name] then!”

I know everyone wants their DC to have a special and unique name but the truth is they are few and far between. Your DCs will have different friends, probably be at different schools. It really won’t matter.

I hope all goes well with the ivf.

Tell her it's OK you've found something you prefer. They are likely to change their minds anyway once baby is here 😊

give your baby the same name.

You don't own names.