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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my sister over baby name choice?

152 replies

Bluebones · 19/01/2025 14:18

I (35F) have been going through the process of trying to conceive for about 2 years. Have recently started the ball rolling with IVF, have previously had IUI with no luck.

my older sister (39F) has 2 DC and didn’t plan on anymore. She fell pregnant unexpectedly and initially was upset at the thought, since her 2 children are teenagers now.

Over Christmas I had joked around my 2 names being off limits. I have had a boy and a girls name picked for a few years, since TTC. I am unsure if I have ever mentioned the names to her. She then said she is sure she is having a girl and she said the name I had picked out. I did say ‘you can’t have that name’ and she said that is the only one her and her husband both like.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her not to use the name?

How should I bring the conversation up again?

OP posts:
Sugargliderwombat · 22/01/2025 21:28

I think it's so easy to go off a name - in the time between now and a future baby you might come across some horrible brat of a child or some major criminal will have the name and bam, it's gone. At least this way it's gone to a lovely potential niece.

UnicornWorld · 22/01/2025 21:53

Sorry, gently YABU. You had picked them out but not used them. You can't reserve a name for a baby you haven't had, sorry.
Other way round - if you had your baby and sister did this. Would you respect it?

That said, it would have been nice of your sister to choose something else but she didn't have to

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Must be painful.

UnicornWorld · 22/01/2025 21:54

Gogogo12345 · 19/01/2025 14:21

Yes very unreasonable. You don't own it. My DD recently had a baby and used the name that DS always said he will have for his first. He's not even planning kids in the near future. It's just tough. And as I pointed out to him he could use the name anyway as would have different surname

See I find that a bit odd.

Instakilogram · 22/01/2025 21:59

It is a bit insensitive OP, but she is within her rights to name her child whatever she wants. Sorry about your struggles, but you have to just move past this. There are so many other names you could name your child, just as she could. Good luck with IVF OP

amigafan2003 · 22/01/2025 21:59

What's wrong with both kids having the same name?

I have the same name as one of my cousins.

RafaFan · 22/01/2025 22:03

It's not unusual for cousins and/or multiple generations of a family to have the same name. Would it really be an issue if you used the same name in the future?

TopshopCropTop · 22/01/2025 22:05

Sugargliderwombat · 22/01/2025 21:28

I think it's so easy to go off a name - in the time between now and a future baby you might come across some horrible brat of a child or some major criminal will have the name and bam, it's gone. At least this way it's gone to a lovely potential niece.

Totally agree with this. My husband and I had names we’d always imagined naming our children, we were set on them for at least 10 years. Guess what, neither of our DC have either of these names. When we looked at our babies after they were born neither of them suited them. 1 of them exploded in popularity around the time DC2 arrived and we decided not to have them be 10th kid in the class with the same name.

As hard as it is OP I think you need to let this one go. Sending you lots of love and luck for your TTC journey.

Ophy83 · 22/01/2025 23:04

You may change your mind about the name when it comes to it. I had both boy and girl names picked out when pregnant with my first, who was a boy. But when pregnant with dd that name didn't feel right at all and we went for a name that hadn't even come up in discussions in pregnancy 1

Ilovecakey · 22/01/2025 23:29

Yabu, firstly you are not even pregnant yet and secondly even if you do get pregnant it might be a boy, and thirdly you could still call your baby that name even if she does too. Travellers often have the same name as their cousins, aunties grandparents etc.

You should have never told her the names you liked. After my second baby I've never told anyone what names I liked and was planning until they were born and I'd named them.

CosyLemur · 22/01/2025 23:29

DuskyPink1984 · 19/01/2025 14:22

Of course you’re going to get all the ‘you don’t own a name’ nonsense but why would anyone do that? So many other names she could pick. I think its very insensitive of her.

How is it selfish to want the same name as the OP when the OP admits she hasn't told anyone the names she's picked.
Was her sister meant to telepathicly know this was one of the names the OP wanted to use?

XWKD · 22/01/2025 23:33

You can't tell other people what they can call their children. You certainly can't "reserve" names. What makes you think you have a right to use the name and that she doesn't? The idea is batshit.

NattyTurtle59 · 23/01/2025 02:44

YABU, especially as you aren't even pregnant! It's not up to you to police what anyone calls their child. It's okay to be upset - for a couple of seconds - then find another name you like and move on.

GreatGardenstuff · 23/01/2025 05:08

You can both use the name, it’s absolutely fine.

My sister and cousin have the same name, it’s never caused any harm and they are great friends. My aunt told my parents she was going to use it (cousin is the younger), and they were happy for her to.

coupebaby · 23/01/2025 12:05

DuskyPink1984 · 19/01/2025 14:22

Of course you’re going to get all the ‘you don’t own a name’ nonsense but why would anyone do that? So many other names she could pick. I think its very insensitive of her.

You do understand that OP and sister only discovered it was the same name in that exact conversation don’t you? It’s not like she always made family aware of the 2 names she’d picked for a long time and sister decided to use it in badness, it’s just coincidence so no it’s not insensitive if her.

Penguinmouse · 23/01/2025 12:16

YABU. You don’t own a name, she’s the one who is pregnant and you hadn’t even mentioned it to her, she reached that conclusion independently!

Welshmonster · 23/01/2025 20:44

This is why you never tell anyone the names you thinking of

HumphreysCorner · 23/01/2025 22:12

It's so difficult, myself and my friend were expecting at the same time but I sadly miscarried and she said she was going to name her DD Sophie which was my choice too but when her DD was born she changed her mind as she didn't look like a Sophie so I was able to use the name. Things happen for a reason.

pinkwaffles · 23/01/2025 22:18

DuskyPink1984 · 19/01/2025 14:22

Of course you’re going to get all the ‘you don’t own a name’ nonsense but why would anyone do that? So many other names she could pick. I think its very insensitive of her.

It sounds like sister had already picked it out and OP hadn't mentioned it.
How on earth is that insensitive?

If they have already chosen the name then it's too late. Why should they have to change it - OP isn't even pregnant and doesn't know if/ when she will be, and whether it will be a boy or a girl.

If OP had said she had actually told her sister years ago what the name was, I would empathise more, but it sounds like she didn't even say and just expected her sister to suddenly change plans. That's not reasonable.

UnicornWorld · 24/01/2025 02:19

pinkwaffles · 23/01/2025 22:18

It sounds like sister had already picked it out and OP hadn't mentioned it.
How on earth is that insensitive?

If they have already chosen the name then it's too late. Why should they have to change it - OP isn't even pregnant and doesn't know if/ when she will be, and whether it will be a boy or a girl.

If OP had said she had actually told her sister years ago what the name was, I would empathise more, but it sounds like she didn't even say and just expected her sister to suddenly change plans. That's not reasonable.

Show quote history

I'm not sure. What are the chances of two sisters picking the same name? I think she has said it at some point.

steff13 · 24/01/2025 02:23

UnicornWorld · 24/01/2025 02:19

I'm not sure. What are the chances of two sisters picking the same name? I think she has said it at some point.

Show quote history

But she said she doesn't think she has. Why do you think you know better than she does?

UnicornWorld · 24/01/2025 02:29

steff13 · 24/01/2025 02:23

But she said she doesn't think she has. Why do you think you know better than she does?

Show quote history

I didn't. I just asked a question.

Zoflorabore · 24/01/2025 02:35

My mum has 2 sisters. They both chose the same boys name but around 10 years apart. It has never been an issue in the family and we’re a pretty small family.

nothing stopping you from still using the name op if you have your heart set on it. Good luck with the IVF.

LostittoBostik · 24/01/2025 03:06

Yes YABU

You can't control name choice. You have to let this go.

Bingbongbooboo33 · 24/01/2025 03:37

There are so many names to choose from, there has to be another one you like.
Tell her it's okay, you had more than one in mind and now it's made it easier for you because you, now, choose this one (other name)
If she changes the name to that one, then she is not someone you want in your life, simple as that!!
Otherwise, there is not much you can do, and considering you don't even know if you mentioned it to her, anyway, you probably just have similar taste.
I tend to believe that we are named what we are meant to be named, so whatever name your child ends up with will be meant for them and suit them. And you will have a lovely little niece with a name you love.
I know it must be irritating but rise above it, a name doesn't define your child.
If you think she did this on purpose or out of spite, honestly, just be glad you're not like that yourself.

Bingbongbooboo33 · 24/01/2025 03:44

If your heart really is set on this name could you add something to it? So say you both chose Olivia, could you choose Olivia Lee, Olivia May? Something like that? That way you both get to use the name you love but they are still unique to your children?