To be upset with my sister over baby name choice?

[Bluebones]

I (35F) have been going through the process of trying to conceive for about 2 years. Have recently started the ball rolling with IVF, have previously had IUI with no luck.

my older sister (39F) has 2 DC and didn’t plan on anymore. She fell pregnant unexpectedly and initially was upset at the thought, since her 2 children are teenagers now.

Over Christmas I had joked around my 2 names being off limits. I have had a boy and a girls name picked for a few years, since TTC. I am unsure if I have ever mentioned the names to her. She then said she is sure she is having a girl and she said the name I had picked out. I did say ‘you can’t have that name’ and she said that is the only one her and her husband both like.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her not to use the name?

How should I bring the conversation up again?

I had similar with my last baby, I had a tubal ligation so he was a surprise baby, we were so confused, mostly because we thought we were never having anymore but at the same time I wanted very much to keep the tiny life I was growing. It may look different from the outside but it's definitely not an unwanted baby at any stage, just that initial shock and trying to process😊♥️

I wouldn't change my last human spawn for anything either, he's so unique and amazing! They all are but he's still the baby since the others are young adults and teens now and he's still years away from teens.

This^
Do you want to be fair or do you want to be emotional? If the former YABU.

Just call yours the same if you have a girl. Choose a different middle name. If they question it when older tell them the truth

I’m sorry about your fertility issues OP. I’m in a similar situation to you - been trying to conceive for 3 years, about to start IVF next month. In that time my husbands brother and his wife have had their second child - and he has the exact name we always wanted to call our son if we had one - same first name and surname. I know I don’t own the name and we’ve never brought it up - it’s just a coincidence that we all liked the same name- but for me it brings up the grief of how long we’ve been trying. If we had fallen pregnant in the first 2 years of trying (when BIL and SIL weren’t even thinking of second child) then we would have been able to use that name.
it’s one of those things that I’m afraid you just need to let go - even though it is upsetting as you have wanted a child for so long. I hope you are successful in your treatment xx

I agree that it's not relevant but it's just standard on Reddit for people to identify the people in their stories that way so that's what they do.

One of my friends used the same name as her sister. There has never been an issue with it.

I think this is actually a lucky omen.
Every time someone In my family took a name , the unpregant one, suddenly conceived. Fingers crossed it works for you too, and instead of being upset about a could have been you instead have your own bundle.
Suddenly a choose name grab pales because you get to hold your own baby.

THIS
Wishing you the very best with your fertility treatment OP

I voted YABU but actually I agree with this more nuanced stance.

YANBU to feel the way you do, but you don't really have the right to ask her to change her mind. There is no rule that says two cousins can't have the same first name, and in the days when children were often named after relatives, it happened all the time. Unless the children will also have the same surname and be at the same school, I don't think it's that big a deal.

Maybe the reason I feel it is unfair is probably more around the circumstances. If I was able to just fall pregnant as easily then I would have used the name a couple of years ago.

Your usage of the name wouldn't have precluded her from using it too. Nobody owns a name.

The problem is, if she genuinely likes and wants the name but gives it up and you never have a baby of that sex then she’s going to feel like you deprived her of that name.

You said you joked about it, clearly you weren't joking!

I have two cousins and that have the same name- it's fine.

Maybe focus on getting pregnant first instead of putting negative energy on a name. Good luck 👍

@Bluebones It's hard - I had something similar. While I was going through treatment or infertility, my sister - who had always said she didn't want children - got pregnant within a month of trying, had a girl and used one of the 2 names I dreamed about using. But somehow you have to bite your lip and find your joy in the child who may or may not use the name you wanted ... they might be the wrong sex (fingers crossed). In my case, I ended up with boys so no opportunity to use that girl's name I had so much angst about.

I think the name becomes a focus for the grief one feels about not being able to conceive straightforwardly. (((HUG))). You are absolutely not unreasonable not to want her to use the name, but the most you can reasonably do is tell her how you feel about the name. And keep fingers crossed you gain a nephew not niece or a niece who just looks like a different name when she arrives.

Sorry I disagree with you @Tricho.
The OP so wants s baby and it is so hard for to be disappointed each month.
Her sister didn't want another child.
Life can be s*it.
The icing on the cake, not, was that her sister has also chosen a name she would love to use herself.
The OP is allowed to be feel down.
She's human.
We feel emotional pain.

I’m really sorry you’re struggling OP. Infertility is so distressing, and I really hope things work out for you.

I don’t think there is anything you can do about the name. It sounds like your sister didn’t know that it was one of your chosen names, and she’s entitled to pick it. Names are sadly a first come first served situation, you can’t reserve them. You will find other names you love when you come to name your own baby.

When I fell pregnant I had a friend who I was discussing names with. I said I struggled with boys name but liked a particular one, she already had 2 little boys and told me I couldn’t use that as a first name because she wanted to use it as a middle name incase she ever had another little boy and she’d be really cross with me. Seemed crazy to me considering she’d never even mentioned this name to me before and hadn’t used it for her previous two boys. Mine ended up a girl anyway, funnily enough she did have another boy a year later and STILL didn’t use that name for first or middle. Theres a strong chance she won’t even use the name once babies here so it’s not worth getting annoyed over.

Nobody owns names.

I was devastated when I found out my OH sister was naming their baby the name I'd wanted for years (more than 15 years! And always imagined from being a kid if i had a girl she would be called Ellie) I cried, then realised it is just a name and anyone can choose the name. So I didn't say anything, i figured it wasnt going to change anything, what if it never happened. I chose a different name for my daughter and even after she was born knew that name wouldn't of suited her. I get your upset but if you haven't told her the name she wasn't to know. Hope your treatment works and you get a bundle of joy you've wanted for so long - who knows, could be the opposite gender and name wouldn't of worked after all x

I was sad when my sister picked the name I wanted if I ever had a boy. But she had her baby years before I had mine and that was that. My son has that name as a middle name, there’s nothing to be done but get over it. You have no more right to the name than she does and it’s not worth fighting over.

Both my sister and I were pregnant at the same time but I was due first. I told her the name I intended to use. She told me not to use it ("you can't") as it was her favourite and had been for a while (but I didn't know). I chose a different name to avoid upset and then she didn't use the name after all. Soo annoying as I still prefer it and won't be having more kids.
Don't get upset with your sister. It's not worth it. You may decide you prefer a different name later.
Sorry you've struggled.

Yabu if you told her the name. You should have kept it to yourself rather than giving away ideas

What's the worst than can happen? You have a beautiful baby, it's a girl AND you share the name. Would it be truly that awful?

DD had a different name for most of the time I was pregnant but it never felt 100% right. When her actual name came to me it was a lightbulb moment, and I just knew that was her name. DH felt exactly the same. We didn’t tell anyone the name before she arrived, just in case, but if anyone had asked us to use a different name I’m not sure I’d have been able to do it once I was so sure. Maybe this is how your sister feels?

That said, I wouldn’t really mind if someone else I knew used the same name. My sister and my cousin (a few years younger) have the same name - it never seemed to be an issue between my mum and her sister. They just had a nickname of Firstname Middlename within that side of the family, in any situation when it might have been unclear which one you meant.

I appreciate why it’s so hard and I really hope that you do get to use the name in the future. As you say, your sister doesn’t know whether she is having a boy or girl yet, so fingers crossed it won’t be an issue, but if she does use it please don’t feel you absolutely can’t use it too, or that your sister is doing it to hurt you.

I understand that you must be upset; we tried for over 5 years for our daughter, and I'm now 40 weeks' pregnant with a baby boy, that we tried for a further almost 2 years for, so I do get it, however, you can't dictate what name she chooses. Definitely being unreasonable