To be upset with my sister over baby name choice?

[Bluebones]

I (35F) have been going through the process of trying to conceive for about 2 years. Have recently started the ball rolling with IVF, have previously had IUI with no luck.

my older sister (39F) has 2 DC and didn’t plan on anymore. She fell pregnant unexpectedly and initially was upset at the thought, since her 2 children are teenagers now.

Over Christmas I had joked around my 2 names being off limits. I have had a boy and a girls name picked for a few years, since TTC. I am unsure if I have ever mentioned the names to her. She then said she is sure she is having a girl and she said the name I had picked out. I did say ‘you can’t have that name’ and she said that is the only one her and her husband both like.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her not to use the name?

How should I bring the conversation up again?

Why would you want to continue a relationship with someone that flaky anyway?

If they discontinued the relationship over something so pathetic as not wanting two cousins to have the same name, it was never a proper relationship to begin with 🤷‍♂️

You can help yourself by not being upset. I understand your initial reaction, tied in with all your feelings around the difficulties you are having getting pregnant but you can try to rationalise your feelings. Life isn’t always fair, but it’s the only one we have so better to find a way to accept it as it is.

Good luck going forward.

I suppose she had picked that name because she liked it? It is in fact a different name, but even if it were the same so what ? Historically cousins have often shared names.

well that is the choice exactly you have to make. Keep the name and potentially lose the relationship or change the name and don’t. 100% a free choice and as shown by the other poster she was fine with losing the relationship with her sister. That is totally valid and there is no right or wrong choice. Every family is different and every circumstance of naming is different. Some people are quite relaxed about their child’s name, other people aren’t. Lots of reasons why that is the case and it’s often also connected to other issues in the family as well.

as I have said I can 100% see it from both sides.

Maybe the reason I feel it is unfair is probably more around the circumstances. If I was able to just fall pregnant as easily then I would have used the name a couple of years ago.

There is absolutely no guarantee you would have used the name, even if you’d got pregnant years ago. As others have said, you could have had a boy. You also could have gone off the name when you were actually pregnant. We had names for a girl and boy picked for about a decade before I was pregnant. When I was pregnant, I went off both names completely. I did use the original name as a middle name in the end but we picked a name we had never before even entertained (and I think suits them so much and their middle name, the original name I wanted, just doesn’t).

You’re mad because your sister got pregnant accidentally and you require a significant amount of help to get pregnant, which might not even work. It’s not fair that you are struggling to get pregnant but how your sister became pregnant is irrelevant, she’s going ahead with the pregnancy. She gets to use any name she wants for that baby. You get to feel sad that it hasn’t yet worked for you but this may never have been your name. You can’t let this come between your relationship with your sister.

Whilst, unfortunately, she and her other half have chosen a name you like, anyone has the prerogative to choose whatever names they want. Try to be pleased that your niece/nephew will have a name you love.

I know it's hard when you have been mentally and emotionally preparing for a much-longed-for child of your own. I didn't have my one and only precious child until three weeks before I turned 40! You build up all these hopes and dreams for them.

I wish you success in getting a baby in due course! I hope you manage to choose the perfect name for them.

I’m sorry you’re struggling, but sadly if you can’t even remember if you told your sister about the name then how on this earth is she meant to know that the name was off limits? And if the conversation about the name being off limits was a joke then how is she meant to know that you are serious about it?

Naming children is very very strange sometimes. Me and my sister (I have children - she doesn’t but isn’t trying to do a little different) we both came up with a favourite name for my second - it was the exact same name and we couldn’t recall even having a conversation about it. She helped me with loads of names, and she even saved some for herself for the future. But I’m sure if I used one of the names in her “name bank” she wouldn’t mind.

Maybe it would be different if you had named a previous pregnancy with that name. But sadly - if it was just a conversation, she may be fond with that name.

Also things change. I’ve had situations in the family where 2 people are pregnant and someone takes the other ones name - you just come up with a new one. Also, sometimes baby is born and doesn’t suite the name.

Good luck with your journey though x

How wonderful it is that she is bringing a baby into your family with that name. It's beautiful actually. Amazing if you didn't mention it to her. Kindly OP I'd try changing your perspective.
Also just want to say good luck for your fertility journey X

There's a bit of me that thinks if the names are Horatio and Isolde you may have a point. If Evie and Jack, less so. Also we can have preconceived ideas about babies names and they aren't that name when they arrive. We were set on Hugo and Madeleine when expecting. DS just wasn't a Hugo and by the time dd came along we had gone off Madeleine. I was always going to call a dd Daisy. DH said no way.

All that apart, you can use the name despite what your sister does.

Good luck. Infertility sucks

I understand that you are hurt. But to be fair, even if you had a girl, you may not have used the name.

I had a lot of ivf and a lot of time to think about names. Had two picked. I ended up using neither, despite having two children who could have had the names. When I eventually got pregnant, the names didn't match the babies.

I hope you have the baby you want. I think that is what is actually upsetting you.

It’s a non issue. Name your own child the same name if it comes to it. Plenty of families have repeated names in the family especially cousins

She had every right to use it, the OP isn't even pregnant yet!

This is why when people kept badgering me about names i just politely said i will announce on facebook.I didn't tell anyone till i had my baby,you cant reserve names but you can hide them

Have you considered asking her if it's ok if you use the name as well if you have a baby in the future? They will have different surnames and you can give different middle names? My dad was called. William and he named his first son William, I find that stranger than 2 siblings both using the same first name for their kids😁 also my great grandfather was a William and his father, there were a few deviations along the way but it seemed to be a bit of a tradition in my fan, I gave one of my sons the middle name William instead 😊♥️

"I am unsure if I have ever mentioned the names to her"

ah, well that is the crucial bit, isn't it?

Hard to say if you're being VVU, or only a little bit U, unless we know whether you actually told your sister the actual names you were hoping to use.

Even if yes, you actually told her the very name she is now using, and told her how important it was to you... even then, YAB a bit U.

Otherwise, if you just said "there are two names I have picked out, but I'm not telling you what they are", then YABVU I'm afraid.

Best of luck with your IVF

Indeed this. You told her you love the name. Natural consequences of her actions.

So she said a name she liked & you told her that she couldn't have it?

No wonder she laughed!

If the Op can't remember if she mentioned the names, then there's a very high likelihood that the sister doesn't remember anyway.

As I said on a previous thread on a similar subject, I suspect that normally the OP remembers the conversation because it was important to them. The relative who is now being accused of pinching the name, doesn't remember it because to them they were having a light-hearted conversation which wasn't particularly important.

Yeah, that was gross.

I got pregnant with my daughter when my boys were nine and 11 and we were certainly not planning on another baby. I was upset at first, too. It's a big change.

She is the most amazing human and I cannot imagine my life without her. And the idea that somebody would suggest that I didn't even want her when that wasn't really the case, we just had mixed feelings about having another baby after being done with the baby stage.

If you've mentioned the names, she's a bitch. Mumsnet always says yabu in situations like this, it's some weird moral high ground thing.
She's a bitch for stealing your name.

Unethical tip: Get a really, really ugly cat and give it that name. Then make endless jokes about her naming her child after your ugly cat. She might change it.

I'm kidding of course, it's unfortunate but I doubt it was done out of spite or malice, unless she's the type. Only you know if she is the type.

And to be honest, if it's THE name for you and you do have a little girl one day, there's nothing stopping you using it too. I share a first name with two of my cousins and it's literally never been an issue, bit of buffoonery at Christmas every now and then but generally fine.

This is life imitating art imitating life, one episode of SATC was dedicated to just that 'how dare she steal my baby's name', said Charlotte, who had fertility issues and was nowhere near married.

It's a Reddit thing that has made its way over to MN.

It wouldn't be relevant on Reddit either though!

Not your name. Fine for her to use it. Stop trying to make drama out of a non-existent problem.