To be upset with my sister over baby name choice?

[Bluebones]

I (35F) have been going through the process of trying to conceive for about 2 years. Have recently started the ball rolling with IVF, have previously had IUI with no luck.

my older sister (39F) has 2 DC and didn’t plan on anymore. She fell pregnant unexpectedly and initially was upset at the thought, since her 2 children are teenagers now.

Over Christmas I had joked around my 2 names being off limits. I have had a boy and a girls name picked for a few years, since TTC. I am unsure if I have ever mentioned the names to her. She then said she is sure she is having a girl and she said the name I had picked out. I did say ‘you can’t have that name’ and she said that is the only one her and her husband both like.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her not to use the name?

How should I bring the conversation up again?

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Of all the names in the world why choose that one?

I wouldn't knowingly use a name a sibling had already anmounced for their unborn child whilst pregnant. It just feels like unnecessary drama.

But there are limits. Especially when someone isn't even pregnant yet.

My brother massively kicked off when I announced my daughter's name because her middle name was one he'd privately.got on his shortlist for his own child - should he ever have one. And my biggest crime was to give it to her as a middle name and not even do him the courtesy of giving it to her as her first name.

But my brother has a bit of a reputation for being utterly unreasonable and expecting the whole world to revolve around him so... I'd be careful just how much fuss you make about it.

Use the name anyway. Two of my cousins are called Lisa.

OP has said she doesn't think she's mentioned the names to her sister. If it's a popular girls name, it is probably just a coincidence.

I am unsure if I have ever mentioned the names to her.

So she basically picked a name that you had picked in your head.. i think you need to reset. Wait until you're pregnant before choosing a name. And try not to resent your sister for being pregnant. Life is not fair.

Coincidence? It doesn't sound like her sister knew.

In my experience it's quite common for siblings to have very similar taste in names.

My husband had three names picked out for a girl. One of his brothers used two of them as first and middle for his daughter (we went ahead and used the name they'd used as middle name anyway) and his other brother used the third one for his daughter.

I've had children and not one of them are named from my lists or names I liked. Your sister might not end up using the name.

Children generally fit a name (hope that makes sense)

Hopefully you will have a baby in the future and no matter how much you like a name it just doesn't sit right with the baby.

Wishing you luck for the future op.

Sorry but YABU

My sister and I have one boy name on our top 5 that is the same, and two girls names. Honestly it's first past the post. You can't know you will ever use that name - you may never have a baby of that sex and even if you do you might be like "you know what she doesn't look like a Tilly, she is much more of Kirsten" so you shouldn't stop her using it.

Good god and still it continues into 2025.

For those at the back....YOU CANNOT STEAL A NAME.

I'm wondering if MNHQ should stick it at the top of the page 👀🤣

Maybe the reason I feel it is unfair is probably more around the circumstances. If I was able to just fall pregnant as easily then I would have used the name a couple of years ago.

If you had fallen pregnant, the baby could have been the opposite sex, this is not relevant either.

I wonder what is your reasoning about why she shouldnt use the name?

Why do people think that they own a name?

@bluebones

I had a name in my head if I ever had a boy. DP and I agreed "if it's a boys we'll call him "xxxx"

We didn't tell anyone.

Baby was born. It was a boy. I took one look at him and thought "nah... he's not a xxxx"
He ended up with a totally different name. He's now in his late teens - he totally suits his name.

So I think perhaps be sad today and then put it aside. When you have your baby you'll know what to call them - there's zillions of names and there's others you will love.

She feels the way she feels, there's no use trying to rationalise it.

As someone who had recurrent losses and saw close family members get pregnant on their honeymoon, have kids before us and have first pick of all the names while we were still struggling, I get it.

wow, interested to know though, since it cost you your relationship with your sister, do you regret not changing the names once you found out her feelings?

And all this "I jokingly said".

It wasn't a joke, you were trying to lay claim to the name.

I think the name will be tainted for you now, anyway, if there are any negative feelings around it. I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through and hope things improve for you.

Even if you had fallen pregnant easily, you don’t know what sex the baby would have been. There are a few ‘what ifs’ here that are not worth causing an argument over.

You're not unreasonable to feel a pang of sadness over it.

You would be massively unreasonable to raise it again and ask her not to use it, its unfortunately just one of these things. Especially given she didn't know until after mentioning it that you had chosen that name so there's no malicious intent here. Try reframe it that you might have a lovely new niece who has your favourite name!

One of my brothers is called Thomas. A first cousin a couple of years older is also Thomas. Uncle gave no fucks.

I have an Emilia, a sibling has an Emily. I have a James and another sibling has one too. I also give no fucks. Between my sister, daughter and niece all three are generally called Mima, Mimi and similar. Again none of us care.

my older sister (39F) has 2 DC and didn’t plan on anymore. She fell pregnant unexpectedly and initially was upset at the thought, since her 2 children are teenagers now and? What has this got to do with it? Just because she has kids doesn't mean she has ANY less right to use the name. You bringing this into it is nasty. Your fertility issues doesn't mean any child you may have is somehow more worthy of a name.

Despite all this however there's no way I'd use a name my sister wanted and she wouldn't have done the same to me. But there's nothing you can do

Yanbu.

It would be pretty shitty of your sister to use a name you had picked out. The fact you are having difficulty getting pregnant makes it much worse.

My older sister asked my younger sister not to use a name. She didn't and then the older sister did not use it. Pretty annoying.

If you really love the name, you could still use it. I have cousins with the same name, it is fine.

This!! If she knew you had your heart set on the name before she picked it then that’s really shit and insensitive of her. But if she didn’t know, then she’s done nothing wrong and you can’t ask her to change it now. Hopefully she has a boy and if not, just use the name again if/ when you have a girl :) . Good luck with the IVF OP x