to be really annoyed at DH? Missed DS's appointment.

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We have been waiting for an ADHD assessment appointment for DS for over 1.5yrs. Finally got it through for Friday just gone.
I was meant to take him, but my father passed away last weekend and I had to fly out long haul last Sunday. I told DH he'd have to take DS to the appointment. All ok and agreed.
Came back exhausted and ill yesterday and turned out they hadn't been to the appointment.
DH is a teacher and they had Ofsted in earlier in the week but it got extended and inspection didn't end till Friday, day of appointment. I appreciate it's very stressful having Ofsted in but AIBU to think that DH didn't even put the appointment in his calendar, otherwise he could have rearranged it. He's claiming he didn't have time to think of anything else.
My mind was occupied by my dad's funeral which took up days and it was a stressful time, so I forgot to remind DH
He didn't even say sorry and blames me for being annoyed at him. I did shout at him, but I felt that after having done all the leg work myself to get this appointment, he attended no school or GP appointments, he's dismissively acts like he's done no wrong.
Did I overreact?

Neither of you really.

Speaking as a primary school teacher who had an ofsted inspection 3 weeks after my dad died, I can understand both views.
And in terms of the ofsted... Inspections only tend to get extended when a school is discovered to be in the shitter...

It is what it is.

Sorry for your loss.

I'd phone and explain about your dad. Offer the death certificate to prove you're not lying. They won't take it but it does no harm.

I'd ask about being on the backup list in case someone cancels and you'll drop everything and go. Ask if it's ok for you to ring daily to see.

Basically do whatever it takes. DH dropped the ball more than you but it's kind of almost understandable in the circs up to a point. However not taking responsibility for his fuckup is out of order.

If you don't get an appointment soon I'd go private if possible. He's at an age now he'll be an adult soon so you need this diagnoses asap.

I would be really annoyed - it’s a very big mistake to make and it sounds like you manage the emotional load. Will you get another apt quickly? Has he taken the lead in sorting that out? Does he have adhd traits himself?
I get that it’s a stressful week for him, but it was even more stressful for you (completely understandable that it wasn’t on your radar) and lots of people manage busy work environments and coordinating life admin very effectively - wall planners/phone calendar etc essentially mean it’s quite difficult to forget. I’ve worked privately and publicly and I’ve never had anyone who is paying the fee themselves forget an appointment which is interesting! I’m sorry for your loss. Going forward, I would imagine if you expose the situation, the team would hopefully be understanding and be able to slot you in .

Millions of people have stressful jobs. I'm pretty much constantly audited in my role and I still manage to attend my dds appointments. I also have ADHD which is why I use a calendar. OP says her DH always puts appts in his calendar but he did not do so for this appt despite being reminded of it before OP left. This makes me think he had no intention of going to the appointment. If he intended going he would surely already have arranged the time off work to go in advance. So yes OP, I'd be really fucking angry because the likelihood is that you will be discharged and not given another appointment. If he felt he couldn't cope he should have called and rearranged.

This shouldn't fall on you but I would be calling and explaining about your fathers bereavement and that you had to travel at short notice due to this and hope they will be sympathetic. They will not give a flying fuck that your husband had an inspection at work. That is not an excuse for non attendance.

They could discipline him if he just walked out.
You can't simply leave a class!

Did he actually fill out an absence request form?

As I already have said, schools will stop these absences if Ofsted are in. People have been called back who are on the way to training courses and told to get the next train back.

I think knowing he was unreliable and not engaged with the diagnosis I would have rearranged the appointment before I went away.

Does he agree the children need the assessment? It doesn't sound like he is on board.

With OFTSED you don't get a few days. You get a call around lunchtime, or just after, the day before.

People have been called back who are on the way to training courses and told to get the next train back.

Cancelling a work training course for an important meeting in work is very normal.

Prioritising your work over your own child's health and education is quite another.

The OP says he likely has ADHD himself which means he might need support.

If you know someone isn't good at remembering stuff, then you remind them.

I am likely ADHD also. EVERYTHING has to be written down. My DH will remind me of things sometimes as it's really helpful, especially on busy chaotic days. I appreciate it.

Doesn't matter he should have had the time booked off as soon as he knew he was going to the appointment. He's screwed up his kids life and is blaming op.

Lego bingo p I'm not excusing home - see my previous posts,
I was responding to a different poster who said you get a few days notice.

Exactly. Ltb

I don't think people are getting it, the school simply won't allow you out. They ask you to change any plans. Those people who are saying they wouldn't stay would be the first to post on here about my son's class was left unattended after teacher walked out!

The only thing they could have done was called to cancel the appointment which is what he should have done.

Fair enough either way it doesn't matter as it will be booked in that he's having time off

They don't chain you to the desk. Of you have a very important appointment, of course you can go to it. .

But he didn't. And he didn't reschedule, as he easily could have done. And he won't even take responsibility for the huge fuck up. He's a massive wanker.

Then the school should fail ofsted for not giving a shit about their staff

It's also not as simple as saying go private as schools do not accept private ADHD diagnoses and GPs can't prescribe medication without them going through the NHS assessment so missing the appointment is a major fuck up.

I'd be fuming if my DC's school tried to ban one of their teachers from their own DC's medical appointment.

An ADHD assessment is so fundamentally important for your child I would be utterly livid. While there is a strong possibility your DH also had ADHD, it is not an excuse for being a lacklustre parent. I’m not saying this because he had an OFSTED inspection (which is clearly stressful) but because OP updates indicate he just doesn’t see his children’s health as important or something he should have responsibility for or engage with.

Well quite....why do you think so many teachers are leaving the profession but that's an entirely different thread that could go on and on!
Sadly schools do not care about their staff and the priority is ticking boxes.

With this post I would want to know whether the DH had actually requested the time off, as if he hadn't then that shows he never intended on going anyway.

Well the world still revolved and his family still existed when OP's DH had his Ofsted inspection.

Why is it OP's responsibility to remind him when he could have put the appointment in his calendar and contacted them to re-arrange the appointment when he knew that he wouldn't be able to attend?

Also, a bereavement where the OP's dad lived a long-haul flight away is much more logistically challenging, setting aside the grief that OP must be going through.

Also, OP feels really guilty about not reminding her DH. Her DH doesn't give a shit.

Nobody is saying it wasn't a valid reason to reschedule an appointment. We all know how important and stressful OFSTED inspections are, we are told regularly enough, it's the fact that he didn't notify and rearrange and has potentially put back the whole process. That's not good at all.

Yeah I bet he didn't. If teaching is incompatible with family life then yes they should leave

Presumably as he was already planning to take the DC to the appointment he already had arrangements at work for cover. He just forgot about that.

So around 20 hours before the inspection began, during which he needed to find 2-3 minutes to email and reschedule the appointment. But his kids enter future, which will be impacted by this, is worth less to him then 2-3 minutes.

But you do understand the world stopping revolving and family ceasing to exist for an Ofsted inspection? Or is her husband different in some way?

You don’t understand why she didn’t remind him (despite her father dying), but you do understand her husband forgetting entirely (as Ofsted is all encompassing). Really?