to be really annoyed at DH? Missed DS's appointment.

[DataColour]

We have been waiting for an ADHD assessment appointment for DS for over 1.5yrs. Finally got it through for Friday just gone.
I was meant to take him, but my father passed away last weekend and I had to fly out long haul last Sunday. I told DH he'd have to take DS to the appointment. All ok and agreed.
Came back exhausted and ill yesterday and turned out they hadn't been to the appointment.
DH is a teacher and they had Ofsted in earlier in the week but it got extended and inspection didn't end till Friday, day of appointment. I appreciate it's very stressful having Ofsted in but AIBU to think that DH didn't even put the appointment in his calendar, otherwise he could have rearranged it. He's claiming he didn't have time to think of anything else.
My mind was occupied by my dad's funeral which took up days and it was a stressful time, so I forgot to remind DH
He didn't even say sorry and blames me for being annoyed at him. I did shout at him, but I felt that after having done all the leg work myself to get this appointment, he attended no school or GP appointments, he's dismissively acts like he's done no wrong.
Did I overreact?

It is not true to say that schools don't accept private ADHD diagnoses (done to NICE) criteria and GPs may take on private prescriptions under shared care agreements.

It is just unrealistic in today's UK to peddle that kind of blanket statement, because so many people are having to use private provision due to the state having such limited capacity.

Agreed. I hope at least the husband is the main earner here. If he’s not and OP is bearing the financial burden as well as literally everything else, he seriously needs to get a new job (and a reality check about family life as an adult).

Also, for those defending the husband and saying OP just needs to phone up and “reschedule” - you reschedule BEFORE an appointment. You cannot reschedule after you’ve missed an appointment. As it is, he’s wasted the precious time of the professionals involved in the assessment who could have used it to see another child. They have important jobs too.

If it had been a genuine mistake and the husband was apologetic, I’d feel a lot sympathy - it was a tough week for everyone. But the fact he is unapologetic and unconcerned about the impact on his child’s future is not acceptable for any parent - especially one in education

I don't think he'd ever arranged the cover in the first place tbh.

So what is he actually saying, he forgot the appointment or he couldn't go to the appointment? If he couldn't go he should have phoned them to state so and rearrange, it is very poor form to just not turn up and won't be looked at favourably. Disappointing if he forgot it completely when it is a huge appointment for your child.
I appreciate that he had a busy week but I would be cross that the appointment was overlooked. And the fact that he hasn't even apologised is not great.

They ask you to change any plans.

Which he didn’t do. He didn’t alert all parties and attempt to reschedule, like a responsible adult. He just didn’t go.

YABU to shout at him.

OFSTED is a very good excuse not to go and he wouldn’t have been allowed time off.

You cannot he mad at him for not going to the appointment if OFSTED weren’t there because you don’t know that and you’re literally making that up in your head and getting annoyed about something that never even happened.

He was BVU to not ring and rearrange the appointment before it happened.

They dong look favourably on people who just don’t bother turning up.

I completely understand your frustration about missing a very important meeting.

I would ring up and explain about your loss and how the family flew out and it slipped your mind or you thought you’d be back in time.

Sorry for your loss OP.
Fingers crossed DS can get an appointment 🤞

Don’t worry OP. We are quite used to no shows in ADHD clinics, as you may imagine!

Exactly or show an ounce or remorse or understanding at the implications of it being missed

it is often how we react to something that is the most telling and I see nothing in his reaction that takes on board

1. the effects of missing the appt
2. sorting out the appt
3. the fact he forgot the appt
4. any sort of remorse

I would be unhappy too - its a 3-4 year waiting list in our area and they struggle to get people in who miss / cancel appointments in. He absolutely could have called, explained and rearranged.

Hi Op,

I hope I can reassure you on this- I lead an NHD ADHD assessment pathway for young people. Sometimes we have families who don’t attend and we know people have been waiting for a long time, usually we just ring to check they are ok and book another appointment in the next available slot. Sometimes we can fit it in to another slot we would be using for other clinical work, usually within 2 weeks In the nhs it shouldn’t be a problem, but I would recommend calling to explain as some services will discharge you if you DNA appointment and don’t get in touch to say you still want the appointment.

this happens, we understand-
(and also we understand that ND is often presebt in families so we need to show flexibility with things like this), sometimes we have staff sickness and can’t complete the appointment ourselves so it works two ways.

you don’t actually say if this is a private assessment- it’s slightly different in private practice and for not turning up without cancelling within the agreed timeframes it is likely you would be charged still (as the clinician has reserved time for you and would lose money themselves otherwise)

I feel for you and your DS. Given how difficult it is to get an ADHD assessment you are right to be fuming. There has been quite a lot about it in the new this week about the length of the list and the impact on those waiting..

Every person who has a children on that list will understand your frustration. It is clearly not that important to your DH. I presume you do most of the mental lifting when it comes to getting your child assessed?

Yes but why do you have to be the default thinker?

It's tiring how men are seen as being only a sort of half way parent and the woman has to fill in all the gaps and act as the catch all. It's exhausting.

Sorry but I think your husband is entirely unreasonable here and I'd be absolutely fuming. Your son has been waiting 1.5 years for this assessment, it should have been prioritised by your husband. Your father has just died, it's not your job to remind your husband, regardless of circumstances.

I'm so sorry about your father.

It's unlikely that your husband would have got permission to go to the appointment in school time when Ofsted were inspecting. It's hard for teachers to get any time off for personal appointments and if Ofsted are in then it becomes less likely. He should have rearranged the appointment obviously. I wouldn't shout at him but I would be cross he didn't try to rearrange.

But then you’re getting frustrated about something that might not have happened!

I understand your annoyance but you both had a shit week and it was just unfortunate. I appreciate that your loss and the funeral are much more important than an Ofsted inspection in the great scheme of things, but to be fair to your DH the pressure of an Ofsted is immense and all-consuming at the time.

If you explain about the funeral I would hope they’ll be sympathetic and rearrange the appointment.

DH was out of order here. Can you re-arrange quickly?

I think you can certainty be disciplined for just walking off and saying “you can’t stop me”. Leave does have to be requested/authorised.

I think after having an extended ofsted, handling the household with 2 potential ADHD children single-handedly and having a probably very upset wife at the death of her father he can be let off missing the appointment.

Ask for a last-minute appointment and move on.

No he can't.

YANBU

I do hope you manage to get another appointment soon. ADHD & Autism assessment waiting times are 4-5 years roughly where we are. The service is so stretched that appointments are like gold dust. Someone I knew eventually had to go private for their child as waiting times were so bad and they could no longer wait.

I understand your husband was under pressure at work but to DNA without notice is both irresponsible and selfish on your husband’s part. The NHS is literally drowning and under so much pressure to provide these services.

I am so sorry to hear about your father, sending you virtual hugs.

I am really sorry @DataColour but I smell stinking fish. It is really unusual for Ofsted to inspect on a Friday, extending an inspection is really rare as normally they will pause an inspection. I think your husband is being economical with the truth and I say this as a former Ofsted Inspector. I would be asking around to see if this is actually what happened.

Also as your son is 16 was there a reason he could not remind your husband or look to change the appointment?

YANBU. His first priority should have been his children and supporting you with your bereavement. Instead his priority was himself.

And he could have brought in his union to counter

You ring them and pray that he is not bumped off the list because he will age out with another two year or so wait.

ADHD/autism appointments are really important and a massive waiting list of over two years in some cases. It could be two years to get another appointment. Kid can fail GCSEs or A levels in that time.

ADHD!

That's the reason he won't remember.

Probably husband's reason too. But he needs to take steps to remind himself.

If he'd tried with calendar/reminders and been remorseful it's different. When they make excuses and don't seem to care , that's when it is really annoying.