to be really annoyed at DH? Missed DS's appointment.

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We have been waiting for an ADHD assessment appointment for DS for over 1.5yrs. Finally got it through for Friday just gone.
I was meant to take him, but my father passed away last weekend and I had to fly out long haul last Sunday. I told DH he'd have to take DS to the appointment. All ok and agreed.
Came back exhausted and ill yesterday and turned out they hadn't been to the appointment.
DH is a teacher and they had Ofsted in earlier in the week but it got extended and inspection didn't end till Friday, day of appointment. I appreciate it's very stressful having Ofsted in but AIBU to think that DH didn't even put the appointment in his calendar, otherwise he could have rearranged it. He's claiming he didn't have time to think of anything else.
My mind was occupied by my dad's funeral which took up days and it was a stressful time, so I forgot to remind DH
He didn't even say sorry and blames me for being annoyed at him. I did shout at him, but I felt that after having done all the leg work myself to get this appointment, he attended no school or GP appointments, he's dismissively acts like he's done no wrong.
Did I overreact?

Why doesn't he take any interest in that part of their lives?

You clearly don't work in a school...

Family first, end of.

He's a teacher, but 'forgot' his own child's appointment that he agreed to take responsibility for because of a death in OP's family.

I call bullshit.

He prioritised his job and the school (again, likely) over the NEEDS of his own child, knowing full well as a teacher how fucking long it takes to get these appointments and how hard they are to even get.

And, yes, have been through Ofsted a few times; if he had a medical appointment he should have booked time off for, then he would have been off for it.

I would be furious, your son's health/medical needs should have been the priority. Appointments have a long wait time and you may well be back to the bottom of the list. What an absolute selfish dickhead.

Why are people comparing her actual dad dying with a work inspection? FFS.

He didn't even write it down. He didn't bother to make a phone call. He won't admit he did anything wrong. And it's all poor him, what a rough week?

What a pile of bollocks.

Have you been through having a ND kid stuck on a waiting list?

It's very difficult to get appropriate suport without assessment, so for the 18 months he's been waiting, he may have been unable to cope with school or learn effectively, which all impacts his mental health. He's 16, so going to the back of the waiting list will effect what adjustments he can get for GCSE's and if he can access appropriate post 16 education.

This time next year the inspection will have very little effect on the DH's day to day life. Not gaining the education and qualifications they could have will effect the DS for life.

Her DH had to be there for his child's hospital appointment.

YANBU- plenty of women have jobs and still manage the admin related to their children. So a really poor excuse from your husband. Shows his attitude is that you are responsible for your kid’s admin alone and he can’t be expected to be held accountable when he messes up. He should be involved in the ADHD journey especially working in education and seeing how it could effect students if not managed.

as it’s to do with your son’s health and education it’s pretty negligent to be honest. These things happen but for him to be angry and take no accountability is really poor.

if he left his job he would be replaced and forgotten. Your son would never replace or forget him. Also you both chose to have a kid so are both responsible for sorting his health and well-being. Might be worth reminding your ‘D’H of that.

It should have been in his calendar - he should have done that when the appointment came through anyway, not just last minute, surely he'd want to know about something that important for his child?

Do you have a joint calendar at all?
Not that it should be your responsibility to add it really.

Whilst the trip away for you and the ofsted inspection were both unavoidable, as he was the one in charge at the time he should have opined up and rearranged the appointment. There;a no real excuse for not doing that.

Also for what it’s worth- I work in a sector with the equivalent of OFSTED inspections. Yes completely stressful, barely time for a wee, migraines midway and a lay down in a dark room is needed afterwards.

however, you do get some notice of these inspections, as with OFSTED. Even if it’s a few days. At that point the parents reschedule things if they can’t miss the inspection.

so your husband should have done that.

Wow, just wow. The lengths people go to to make excuses for men. I bet the mum teachers with Ofsted inspections don’t just forget their kids exist.

How can a stressful work event be compared to a once in a lifetime bereavement? She had to fly long haul so she was in a different time zone and she still should have reminded her useless DH?! Maybe just maybe we should be able to rely on our life partners to handle normal family life when we go through hard times. Otherwise what’s the point in having them?

Your DH had to be there for the OFSTED inspection. You will need to reschedule the appointment.

But it's not a case of rescheduling. That would have been the sensible thing for DH to do.
They MISSED and NHS appointment for a service with massive waiting lists. It may be many months before they get another one! In fact some overstretched services do not reschedule appointments for people who Do Not Attend. They need a new referral again

@Beepbeepoutoftheway I do, and funnily enough most of my coworkers (mostly female) manage to get it done. Some of them are even single parents.

Said someone who has never been through the stress of an Ofsted inspection or seen the news coverage in the past year of Ruth Perry.

I have. I am a teacher, have been for years. I've been through numerous OFSTED inspections, some truly awful, some less so.

The appointment should have been on his radar, as it was about his own child. It should have been in his calendar well in advance. All phones have digital calendars where you can be given several reminders if necessary.

As soon as ofsted was extended he should have called to rearrange, or at least let the op know so she could.

Whilst ofsted can be horrendous and incredibly stressful, most people still have to deal with life admin and children at the same time.

If you weren't confident he would remember himself then you should have made sure it was in his diary and put a reminder in his phone too.

You also should have reminded him whilst you were away.

If it's you that normally does child appointments, then with an extended Ofsted call it's not surprising that he forgot.

You're both human and both forgot.

Just phone them up on Monday and explain.

Christ. The low bars just keep sinking, don't they?

I think DH should reconsider his career if he needs OP to be his PA

@BeMellowOchreZebra she's his wife not his mother. What's the point in having a partner if you have to manage him like a child?

Do you know what ofsted is?

Why is that relevant?

The poster is correct. The hospital would not see that as being any different to most other excises given for missing an appointment.

Being a teacher and having OFSTED doesn't give his special standing. He should still be parenting, like the majority of teachers have to do whilst going through OFSTED, and any other profession with an unpleasant inspection process, or similar going on.

I'd be worried tbh if a teaching colleague forgot something this important, especially as it's (broadly) in their area of expertise.

The DH must, must be aware that these diagnoses are key to unlocking what support there is, extra time in exams etc etc.

She was overseas as her dad died. She is DH's spouse, not his mum FFS. Why does she need to remind him? he is just as much a parent as she is.

So he didn't turn up for a professional appointment without notifying them or rearranging and wasted everyone's time and put back your son's medical assessment that he waiting 18 months for.
Because he couldn't think of anything but the inspection. That's actually pathetic. Teachers aren't the only professionals subject to evaluation and performance assessment in their work life. Life doesn't stop because of these. All it takes is an email or phone call in the 120 hours he wasn't at school that week.

Tavern in Hades.

After a wait of 1.5 years this should have been in the forefront of his mind and he shouldn't have needed to be reminded. What an arsehole.

Many teachers would not mind having a cast iron excuse to miss a day of Ofsted.

Which as many pp have explained, doesn't generally involve Fridays anyway.