to be really annoyed at DH? Missed DS's appointment.

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We have been waiting for an ADHD assessment appointment for DS for over 1.5yrs. Finally got it through for Friday just gone.
I was meant to take him, but my father passed away last weekend and I had to fly out long haul last Sunday. I told DH he'd have to take DS to the appointment. All ok and agreed.
Came back exhausted and ill yesterday and turned out they hadn't been to the appointment.
DH is a teacher and they had Ofsted in earlier in the week but it got extended and inspection didn't end till Friday, day of appointment. I appreciate it's very stressful having Ofsted in but AIBU to think that DH didn't even put the appointment in his calendar, otherwise he could have rearranged it. He's claiming he didn't have time to think of anything else.
My mind was occupied by my dad's funeral which took up days and it was a stressful time, so I forgot to remind DH
He didn't even say sorry and blames me for being annoyed at him. I did shout at him, but I felt that after having done all the leg work myself to get this appointment, he attended no school or GP appointments, he's dismissively acts like he's done no wrong.
Did I overreact?

Ofsted is genuinely all encompassing. I think it sounds like a shit set of events all round. Unfortunate, but understandable.

YANBU at all. I feel your pain. Reschedule and refer to your bereavement as previous poster says.

For your own sake try not to focus on this and upset yourself. Take time for yourself to grieve and do what you need to do for you.

I've never known a parent of a child with SEN who didn't find the diagnosis process to be all consuming.

Not more all encompassing than the long long awaited ND assessment appointment. Any parent of a child waiting for a ND assessment on the NHS knows how important they are. And the DC is 16, he may never get it now if he gets put to the bottom of the list. If you get to 18 before having it you have to start again on the adult list.

Not on the friday though i bet.

Unbelievable.

She didn’t drop the ball by attending her dad’s funeral and arranging for her DS’s father to take him instead.

At this point, it’s possible his DS has ADHD (not confirmed, as he missed the bloody assessment). That’s literally all we know.

So, his son might have ADHD + ADHD can be inherited.

To parlay those two things into this man being ‘heavily suspected of having ADHD and possibly autism’ is to show gross disrespect for both rational thought and the English language.

Is work DH's hyper focus?

If it means you can't look after your family as you should then consider a different career. You don't get to opt out of being a parent.

YANBU. Of course he had a hard week too, but that doesn’t mean that he couldnt also deal with rescheduling / contingency for this appt. Anyone who has been through the system knows getting appts is like gold dust and you must be, justifiably, really frustrated with him. It’s not that people aren’t allowed to make mistakes, more that you end up feeling like you’re never allowed to not be vigilant as the rememberer of ALL things or they just don’t get done. That shit gets old.

I don’t think this is fair to say OP dropped the ball or was strange not to remind her husband. She had just lost her father - it was exceptional circumstances for her.

At a time like this, she’s entitled to expect her DH (an adult working in education) would do some fairly basic parenting. If not, when can she expect him to support her?

Is he normally a good dad to your DD?

He certainly should have put the appointment in his calendar and contacted them to re-arrange when he realised that he wouldn't be able to attend.

His behaviour towards you when you have just lost your father is completely unacceptable. Is he normally this horrible?

If it was that important she could/should have reminded him. I don't understand why she didn't

When my own father died the world still revolved and my family still existed. Or is she different in some way?

Bloody hell, I can’t believe how many “don’t be hard on him” answers there are. The appointments are like gold dust, to even get a referral must mean this has been a really rough time. To fail to prioritise your disabled child over your job like that is bad, to deflect rather than be apologetic is unforgivable in my opinion.

You have obviously read that she wasn't able to take her child to the appointment because her dad died. Your comment is very cruel.

Also, if her DH doesn't think that DS has autism, surely the appointment would prove that he was correct. However, he isn't qualified to make that unilateral decision.

Honestly the lengths some people like you go to to excuse pathetic men is sad, anything to blame a woman even when it's clear who's at fault.

Are all the apologists teachers? We all have difficult weeks at work, you know. I have, and I’ve never skipped a vital specialist appointment for my child. Nor have I lashed out at my suddenly bereaved partner blaming them.

None of the teachers I know and love are like this btw.

When my dad died, DH asked what I needed, and I told him I needed him to look after the kids so I could look after my mum. And he did. I would have been horrified if he'd missed an important medical appointment.

Also, she specifically told him about the appointment and he agreed to go.

He's been a shit husband and a shit father in this particular instance.

Pathetic

It was that important so why would he need reminding..it should be on his calendar and seered into his brain. I think he's decided it's not important. BeCauSE oFsTEd

OP you did not overreact. What mum would miss and adhd assessment over an fisted inspection? None. Stressful, yes, but no excuse.
It's a poor excuse and he knows it.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I would be furious too OP.
Your son waited ages for this much needed appointment and then didn't go. Your DHs work was more important than your son's health and welfare!

An NHS appointment was wasted because it wasn't cancelled so someone else could go.
He will now be down as a DNA on his notes and, depending on the arrangements for that clinic, it could be months before you get another initial assessment appointment.

@AgnesX and no one died for her husband but his family didn't exist. What's his excuse?

Your DH had to be there for the OFSTED inspection. You will need to reschedule the appointment. These inspection are incredibly stressful. That's probably why the appointment was forgotten. It's annoying but you're not very understanding,

You can't just reschedule an ADHD assessment! The appointment waiting time is 1.5 to 2 YEARS and if you miss it chances are you go to the bottom of the list which means for a 16 year old NEVER getting an appointment as they move to the adult list which has waiting lists of many years.