He says 'most women would just laugh', I think he's delusional. Settle a debate please

[TheFairSheep]

Hi all. I paid for my boyfriend to get a tattoo yesterday as a gift as he has wanted one for a while. I saw these messages earlier of a conversation he had with a friend whilst getting the tattoo. I was (I believe) rightfully disgusted and annoyed. He says it was just banter and 'lads being lads'. He apologised but added that most women in relationships would just laugh if they saw those messages and maybe be a little annoyed but I'm overreacting.

We live together and I am pregnant. Am I being unreasonable here? (His friend asked who was doing his tattoo, he sent the screenshot. I have blanked out her details for privacy).

Of course. It's very easy.

A man who never talks to anyone, and in particular, never talks to women, isn't going to be out socialising or have a phone full of random women's phone numbers.

Men who approach women for relationships do that with all women, and men who are highly sociable and who are well-liked among women are going to have many options. So those are the men who will cheat.

So the “simple” solution is to only settle down with hermits? Sounds reasonable.

@GretchenWienersHair So the “simple” solution is to only settle down with hermits? Sounds reasonable.

Not a hermit. Just someone who is not particularly sociable, which is actually the majority of men older than 30.

They just do it secretly online. The amount of sneaky hey 👋 from married men. I’m married not exactly a looker I get from men who don’t appear to be out out. Their posts are their family and work. Sneaky slide ins. Asking for pictures of my boobs. One even owns a local company his always posting on his pages.

definitely an idiot in his 30’s but still pushing his look despite lovely partner at home.

@UndermyShoeJoe Yes, those are men who are sociable and like talking to women. I am saying that men who don't talk to women are those who are least likely to cheat, because talking to women is a prerequisite for chesting.

But if you look at what it’s shown his not. Using one particular guy. Work gym home holiday with the Mrs and kids. There’s no parties. There’s always a nightly post watching a movie together with my love 😘. All the signs that don’t point to some outgoing man sliding in dm’s but there he is. There’s even the Mrs and kids at work. The kid at the gym with him. None of that screams man who’s out chatting to loads of women.

so how do you know your man (not yours personally) is truly not a talks to women man.

@UndermyShoeJoe There’s always a nightly post watching a movie together with my love 😘

A nightly post on social media? Sharing aspects of your life on social media is a hallmark of an extroverted and outgoing person. So your assessment that this man is introverted, not sociable, and keeps to himself is simply not correct- which is why you have previously found yourself in relationships with extroverted men who talk to other women and cheat.

@shuggles it is entirely unreasonable to assume man with a social life = cheater. “Introvert” = good guy.

I think you already doubt him because you went snooping so act on it. ...at least you know he doesn't know most women.

@GretchenWienersHair it is entirely unreasonable to assume man with a social life = cheater. “Introvert” = good guy.

I didn't say an introvert is a good guy. I said an introvert is highly unlikely to cheat.

Likewise, I didn't say that a man with a social life will always be a cheater, but rather, a man with a social life is much more likely to cheat if he has contact with a number of different women.

I'm an introvert. I actively avoid social situations, and I only engage in them once a year at most. The last time a woman asked me on a date was nearly 20 years ago. So that means that hypothetically, if I was in a relationship for the past 20 years, it would literally not have been possible for me to cheat because no woman has made the offer.

Wow. Nothing wrong is a bit strong. Nothing illegal maybe.

It would give me the ick if my partner wrote this and I would struggle to be attracted to them afterwards. Imagine if your teenage self saw these messages and realised that was who they would end up with. It really isn’t living the dream.

Even if he didn't mean it seriously, It was just banter blah blah blah - who needs to be with a bloke who even thinks like that? Euuccchh...

It really depends on his personality, some men talk dirty with other lads but this is just because some need to show off the alpha male in a group of male friends.

It is different if you have any reason to feel suspicious of his loyalty.

It's difficult to assess as I don't know this guy enough to make sure it is only a joke.

Please expand if you had any signal that something is wrong in your relationship, otherwise it might be just a dirty talk. Not respectful certainly, but not dangerous.

I agree with Mitzuko, my husband has a friend from work who feels the need to share disgusting jokes and make lewd comments but they don’t spend a great deal of time together and the conversations don’t reflect the person my husband is. It’s annoying maybe but needs to be put in context. Does he spend lots of time with this person? If so I would be more worried that he doesn’t know about you.

It’s gross. Him entertaining these sorts of conversations. And you looking through his phone.

Does your husband join in with the gross conversations though?

To be honest, I think that you and @Mitzuko have quite a low bar if you think that's ok. If your husband joins in with the conversations, especially. If he just kind of nods along that's one thing, but that clearly not what the OP's partner was doing, he was an active participant in this disgusting conversation.

Maybe I have a low bar @LinnettdeBelleforte - of course I would disagree because in my opinion I am married to the best man I have ever met! Maybe I didn’t explain myself well enough.
I’m pretty sure the guy was not serious when he suggested some random woman might give him a blow job after his tattoo.
I am not saying it is tasteful or funny - but just asked whether those few messages have been taken slightly out of context.
I have seen an awful lot of negativity towards this guy who this also the father of the authors unborn child. There is probably a lot more to his personality and their relationship than any of us know about. Maybe there are other problems but maybe not. If everything else is ok then I would suggest that one distasteful conversation with another bloke is probably not a good reason to leave the father of your child or consider a termination. Set boundaries- he can still banter but make it clear that you are not happy with him joking about taking part in sexual acts with other women / men / etc whatever your boundaries are.
I wonder if anyone on here can honestly say that they always come across perfectly in every conversation they have ever had. Is it really right to judge someone on the basis of a few words he said in what he thought was a private conversation, with someone he may not even be close to?

So the solution is basically to pick one that couldn’t have an affair if they tried… ok…

Can’t deny it’s a reliable strategy I guess… but jeez what a pathetically defensive way to pick a parter 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Take your judgement elsewhere, it's not helpful nor needed here

OP this guy isn't a good 'un. Why don't you ditch him and get on with your life without him dragging you down?

I wouldn't laugh. I'd dump him.

No - OK, too extreme?
Obviously depends but I've dumped for less.

Vile.

Not laughing.

Encourage him to ask the tattoo artist who’s the subject of the “banter” for a BJ and see how she reacts. Hopefully he’ll end up with a penis inked on his arm forever.