He says 'most women would just laugh', I think he's delusional. Settle a debate please

[TheFairSheep]

Hi all. I paid for my boyfriend to get a tattoo yesterday as a gift as he has wanted one for a while. I saw these messages earlier of a conversation he had with a friend whilst getting the tattoo. I was (I believe) rightfully disgusted and annoyed. He says it was just banter and 'lads being lads'. He apologised but added that most women in relationships would just laugh if they saw those messages and maybe be a little annoyed but I'm overreacting.

We live together and I am pregnant. Am I being unreasonable here? (His friend asked who was doing his tattoo, he sent the screenshot. I have blanked out her details for privacy).

My husband wouldn't talk like that, he's pretty mortified when the guys at work do

It is very illogical to project one bad example onto half the world's population. Suggests lack of critical thinking skills.

No, I wouldn't laugh. I find it really disrespectful. It's banter I might expect from a 15 year old but not from someone in a serious relationship with a child on the way. You are meant to be soulmates planning a future together and not just some 'bird'. I would be really pissed off.

I am sorry to read about your disconnect with your family and the difficulties with your mental health. I think you have some deep insight in your process though as you recognize what may muddle your judgement and gut instincts when you relate to people. This is a precious internal resource and should not be underestimated, you know more than you think you may know. I would remember this when dealing with your current relationship issues. If you think something is not right for you, it probably is not.

When your partner denied he's going to get one from the tattooist "I wish" (red flag!) and then the friend replying "Lying [I know you too well]" - I'd be considering leaving so fast after reading that. The friend makes it clear he thinks your partner has past form for this!

This is what happens when people go looking where they shouldn't.
I feel bad for you but this is not the man for you darling.
So many red flags.
Get rid now before you rely on him too much and be prepared to apply for child maintenance xx

This is sick .Its immature banter not very funny granted

@TheFairSheep
'I think the answer to this is far too complicated to really delve into in a mumsnet post, however the crux of it is I have bipolar disorder which has unfortunately resulted in not a total estrangement from my family, but a definite disconnect.'

OP in no way should you feel the need to share such personal information about yourself.

You came here to ask opinion on a particular exchange, not to be judged on whether your parents were adequate, whether it makes you chavvy to pay for or be with someone with a tattoo etc.

The people who pass comments like that have gone completely away from purpose of the post, and it says more about them than it could ever say about you.

When I was young, these would be the curtain twitchers with pursed lips and rollers in a hairnet. The look might have changed but the mentality hasn't.

And?

I think it’s extremely immature and not funny at all. I would be annoyed too.
just to add , if things have reached a stage where you are reading his messages that’s not good. In a relationship people shouldn’t be going through each other's phones, there was obviously no trust there before this.

Snooping on a partner’s phone is not normal behaviour in a relationship though. Sorry but it isn’t. . I acknowledge in this case it turned out to be justified. but I would find it very upsetting if my partner was going through my private conversations with friends on my phone. I would consider it controlling behaviour.

You do realise he can retrieve pics from the recently deleted folder that most phones have in case

If he wants a tattoo, get him to pay for it himself. You are pregnant and the one who needs pampering. IMO YANBU - you are with this
man (who has behaved like a cretin) and he should show you more respect when talking about sexual matters given that he is to be a father soon. Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do.

Male here, they sound like complete idiots to be honest but if it was on the other foot and my girl sent them then she would be gone in a heartbeat.

You’d think so, but no! This sort of misogynistic arse can’t even deal with hypothetical ‘disrespect’. And they aren’t interested enough in appearing rational/fair (as they genuinely believe women are subhuman) to pretend. As illustrated by the OP’s partner’s response when she asked him.

Is he 12??

Guessing he didn't get a blowy then...?

1. I don’t know exactly what your boyfriend and his mate are talking about but I can take a guess and both of them sound horrible.
2. I hate tattoos.
3. I certainly wouldn’t laugh.
4. How dare your boyfriend suggest what ‘most women’ think. He hasn’t a clue.
5. I feel sorry for you.

Shocking, and certainly doesn't bode well as far as being able to trust him.....

Major ick and so disrespectful to both you and the woman. I don't know a single female who wouldn't have had the same reaction as you OP if that helps! And even aside from the objectifying that last part reads like he's "bantering" about cheating on you. How can he possibly think anyone would fine that acceptable!?

Just a warning on toxic relationship info here so don't read if it's a touchy subject ❤️

I ignored signs like this because I was pregnant and ended up with a serious toxic relationship(14 years) where he would gaslight me constantly.
He would constantly deny saying things and tell me I was going mad but I'd never had these issues before.

He would tell his mum and sister that it was my fault for everything, especially when he couldn't be bothered going round there. They despise me for no other reason than they believed every word he said.
He told me I wasn't allowed to be friends with his sister anymore (she was my best buddy) because if I did stay friends then his sister would encourage me to cheat on him.
I was pregnant for a lot of the time and carting round young children too for our entire relationship.
He would sit at his pc just gaming all day and I'd have to do the laundry, feed the kids, bathe the kids, tidy up(when I had any energy left) change nappies because he would not do it.

I also have 5 children and been pregnant 8 times. My first child was with previous who was also a waste of space, the rest of the pregnancies were with Mr toxic and when I had my first MC he told his mum and sister I had lied about being pregnant...I was devastated, I think I lost my mind for a bit there but I had to keep going in this state.

There is about 1000 pages more stuff I could tell you, but we finally broke up, I had to get his sister to come and get him and take him to his mums before I dropped the it's over bomb because every time I tried in the past it got nasty.

You really need to assess his behaviour now before it goes further.

Oh and he told his family and friends that I kept having the babies and he didn't want them, when he was ignoring my pleas to not at certain times of the month or use contraception.
I was terrible at remembering to take the pill, I'd forget and realise I'd missed 4 days of it and be confused how that many days got past me.

Take care OP you don't want years and years of misery and stress and children who need therapy because he chose to rule with fear and gaslighting instead of love.
It started out subtle but just snowballed to the point I wasn't allowed to answer back. I have a whole bunch of people who hate me where he lives because he's told them I sat and did nothing while he did everything.

When Someone Shows You What They Really Are, Believe Them- The First Time. 🙏

I’ve been looking at this post for the last couple of days and I’m sure this was posted weeks ago on Reddit.

Different phone but same words on a different messaging app.

So what? Perhaps OP wants to know what Mumsnet thinks.