Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

?? Do you know the details of your friends’ husband’s businesses’ annual income?

"What are friends?

To me, friends are people who understand, support, care, hear and love

Not people who ride roughshod, make their choices more important than yours and don't listen (the OP could not afford Joan's ideas but none of her "friends" heard her )

These "friends" as described by the OP are not people I would call friends"

If you'd never had anyone in your life who met this criteria of 'friend' you'd be happy with anyone wanting to do anything with you.

Presumably they would check with you and give you a couple of suggestions. How about a weekend in Scotland or even Ibiza? And let you decide before making it a fait accompli with dates and flights arranged between themselves?

Ok I am calling it ! You are Joan or Friend B or C and I claim my £5 !

So Joan has been a bitch and the others are feeling guilty or the Faith has lifted - don’t let her win - stay with your friends who like your company!

When my good friends have wanted to treat me... they've checked if that's what I actually want first!

Also the suggestion that these long standing friends have zero clue that the OP is on a bit of a budget currently is beyond bizarre. Of course they're aware, of course they understand what 'slow down' means. Unless they are all five years old!

They don't, or at least some of them, care, about OP's finances, or about what she actually wants to do.

The 'despite the fact it's not her thing' is pretty key here.

If they know it's not her thing (which they do), then they know it won't be more special for her. And it's incredulous that they then think it's ok to have a go at op for not wanting to do it.

Would you defend it quite so staunchly had they bought someone a bungee jump knowing they were scared of heights? It's not kind and thoughtful, and it's making op's birthday all about them and what they want to do.

Absolutely!!!

I would just be honest to the degree that you are happy to be.
Circumstances change. Things fluctuate. We are downsizing as costs have gone up. I'm not going to curl up in a ball about it and apologise or be ashamed.
If they are truly your friends, they will understand.

I'm sorry op.

Friend E is nice. Do take her up on it!

My guess is C and D hate confrontation and are seemingly scared of Joan, hence their lukewarm response.

Friend B is Joan's flying monkey.

"It’s very common that people think others would enjoy something they would. I’ve given friends presents I’d like myself."

Absolutely true. Totally agree. But did your friends give you back the presents saying they weren't good enough? I doubt it. What would you think if they did?

So OP booked something she would enjoy on HER birthday and she wanted to share that with her friends. She was prepared to pay for it and a meal in 'the nicest restaurant in their area'. But that, apparently, was too modest in some people's eyes. Good intention or not, it was wrong and it wasn't just Joan who was insensitive - no-one stepped in to say 'we need to back off, we're going too far'. All OP got was a crass message from B basically accusing her of not being grateful and a pathetic 'I'll go with the flow' from someone else. Maybe Joan is just too scary!

It doesn't matter if the day was considered to be too modest. Knowing that the general rule was that the birthday person paid their way, the group made a decision to take a 'modest' party and turn it into an expensive weekend, which would have cost OP money because that's the normal thing in their group - the birthday person pays their own way. Nothing seems to have been mentioned about them chipping in for OP as their gift to her even if she did enjoy that sort of thing. So why on earth would good friends spend another friend's money for them?

Whether she had no money or millions in the bank she had CHOSEN not to spend the same amount as a weekend away would cost. If she enjoyed the equivalent of an 18-30 weekend she'd have booked it. She didn't. There's the clue! That's it. There shouldn't be a further discussion. Whether she wanted the weekend or not SHE didn't want to spend that kind of money. Maybe (as it turns out) she was financially unable to do it. Maybe she thought it was crass to spend that much on something. Maybe she'd chosen to do just a day because her family had plans for the rest of the weekend (you know, like normal people would being as her DH, kids, mum etc also wanted to give her a special 40th treat...). Maybe she just actually thought a craft day and a lovely meal would be something different (which appears to have been her thoughts).

The point is everyone else appears to have got the day they wanted - trip to London, catered garden party at home. But everyone decided OP had chosen incorrectly, not good enough, too modest. Friends do not decide, arbitrarily, what another friend can or cannot enjoy. You can't dress this up - they over stepped and not one has had the decency yet to apologise.

Eat humble pie and tell them the truth?

"Had to cut back as business has been a bit slack and tbh, I like crafting and it's my birthday and this is what I want to do. If you would like to join me. I need to know by xx. If you dont want to join me then that's ok but kindly let me know by xx also".

Just say sorry can't do a weekend thing as we have made arrangements as a family for the other day.
I was really looking forward to what I wanted to do and thought it would be nice. Can you let me know if your coming before I confirm the arrangements.

How rude! Maybe the OP chose that because it's her birthday and she should get to choose what to do. She's already said repeatedly that she isn't into the drinking, partying type of event so why would you think that cocktail making would be something she wanted to do?

Not very good friends at all then.

Maybe ask your DH to send them a message? Maybe you've outgrown big drinking events now which is normal.

But why???

1. it's YOUR birthday
2. you can't afford to

Well I wouldn’t let any friends organise my 40th, I’d say where I’d booked or was thinking of booking ask if they would like to come if they didn’t then so be it, I’d go with my DH. It wouldn’t bother me how rich well off they are. I hate all this she had hers there. So I better have mine in a lavish place all very silly,

I agree. It is horrible to suggest that a crafting activity is, lame, dire, crap or any of the other phrases used by people on this thread. I notice most of them seem to think that unless it involves drinking and partying then it's not worth doing. It must be quite limiting for some women who have such limited ideas on what constitutes an enjoyable day with friends.

I am sure if it was me, my upset wouldn't go quickly and its more than slightly upsetting. They trampled all over her birthday invitation to them which she was going to pay for in favour of something THEY wanted to do.aand then they expected her to pay her share AND take them out for a meal during the holiday. Can you not see how incredibly rude and entitled this is?

thing is.... I would just take this group of friends for what it is.. the 'party' crowd, who maybe don't know me inside out and like to do more extroverted things together. I have different groups of friends for different parts of my life/interests.

To just cut off a whole group wouldn't be something I'd do personally, especially as it sounds like there are some good eggs there...and one day i might be up for sunset cocktails again.

...im not sure i'd have any friend groups left if id taken every tiff or misstep to heart over the years.I'd hate to just lose a friendship over messing up once in a 'group think' situation.

OP if this has absolutely killed it for you that's all that matters..cut them off....but if you think in a few years time you might have a bit more cash and miss that more surface level, party group maybe rethink the approach

They've done this thinking they're being good friends.. so if they're wrong tell them.

Be honest. You don't have to be ashamed in front of them for admitting you want something low key in budget.

People sometimes try and give you what they would like thinking it's what youd like too. Just tell them

Fuck the humble pie, the reason does not matter. What they did was just plain rude.

Have you missed the bit where OP said she organised a day to celebrate her birthday, invited friends and they basically told her it was rubbish and tried to take over and rearrange?
In what world is that acceptable? If someone invites you to a celebration, whether that be a quiet lunch, afternoon at an art gallery and dinner or a full on weeks piss up in Ibiza surely any half decent person either accepts or declines. To tell someone that there idea isn't good enough and then take over is rude, immature and disrespectful. Not the behaviour of a decent person.

You wasn’t consulted about the birthday celebration and it appears they are using your birthday as an excuse to get away for a good piss up. On top of that it sounds like it will cause you financial hardship. Personally I would explain that had you been asked you would not have agreed, and after all it is up to you how you spend your 40th and who with… family come first.
You will have to consider that it may cause a rift within your friendship group, but they were out of order for assuming you will go abroad with all the expense that entails and also not considering you might want your family involved on such special occasion.
Personally I would not go, they will expect bells and whistles from you when the reality is you’ll not be enjoying it.