Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

They have a separate group chat to organise the weekend away for her. Totally normal. They will be discussing her negative reaction to her plans for sure, but not necessarily in a malicious way.

You think it’s clear what’s happened but as we don’t know any of the people involved, it’s moot as to whether that’s actually true.

Some posters on MN self identify as introverted, socially anxious, or lacking in confidence and self esteem. These types are much more likely to interpret signals from people in negative and paranoid ways. Is that MN wisdom or is it shared insecurities?

None of their behaviour is normal! It amazes me that you're willing to die on this hill instead of seeing a bunch of bitches for who they are and what they're doing - all based on OPs experience of them, and on reflection, the likely experience of others who have left their group.

I can certainly speak for myself when I say I have no shared insecurities and by looking at almost all of the posters on here, neither do they. It's more representative of a group of women who are very savvy to certain behaviours and trends, giving advice and warning to OP. Lo and behold, it's unfolded exactly as many thought it would.

But you carry on living in your weird little lala land

You’ve handled this really well, OP, and I’m so glad that Friend E is proving to be a true friend.

I’m gobsmacked that the others arranged a birthday weekend away “for you” ( but not really) and expected you to pay for yourself!

If my friends organize a birthday treat for someone, we split the cost of their attendance as part of their gift.

@Mirabai 🤣🤣

When Queen Bee (Joan) and her group of wannabes find the thread 🤪😜🙃

Wow, the contortion going on here to defend these friends makes me wonder if you are one of them!

If they're not discussing her in a malicious way, why haven't they all messaged to apologise for riding roughshod over her wishes and to confirm they'd all love to attend the craft event and meal as she wanted?

Love the hyperbole in your post.
As the op actually.knows these people, as she has also been friends with them for a long time and as they know her, it is more realistic to assume they know her lieks and dislikes. Mu frie ds certainly know mine and vice versa. It is blatantly obvious that Joan wanted to go away and shoe horned the ops birthday to fit that with no thought to what the op had organised.
At best rude

Yeah it’s not normal. I’m probably what you would call an introvert as I enjoy my own company, need a lot of time to recharge after socialising and prefer hanging out with people one on one or in smaller groups.

However, I used to be more of a social butterfly and I’ve got a lot of friends from all over the world and have celebrated a lot of my own birthdays as well as friends birthday over the years. And yeah this is just bizarre behaviour from her friends and probably points to a strange group dynamic led by Joan.

There’s no indication to suggest that anyone else’s 40th plans in the friends group were subjected to this kind of group discussion and debate.

OP has been very clear as to what she wants to do for her birthday. Why on earth is it being debated and challenged? In what world is that ever acceptable unless someone explicitly asks their friend group for help and advice on figuring out what to do.

The discussion over this that shouldn’t even have started to begin with - especially not behind OPs back - should’ve ended immediately once OP reiterated that she did want to stick to her original plans and wasn’t able to do the weekend abroad.

This is about her birthday not theirs, so it’s massively out of pocket and manipulative to write her a text about them being disappointed.

They are the ones who should be focusing on making an effort for her on her 40th, and making it a nice day for her - not demanding she celebrates in a way pleases them.

Especially after she’s shown up to all their 40th birthday events - it’s her turn now and all they need to do is show up.

I did read them. All of them. You need to do the same. They knew.

"They do know. Albeit not going into masses of detail about finances but enough to say I was worried that the slow down would continue for us"

Who knows what “slow down” in business means. Doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t go to Ibiza for the weekend.

A separate group is totally normal, in the absence of an original group where the birthday girl has already invited the said group to her 40th birthday plans. Setting up a group after the invite is rude, self identifying introverts or not.

Oh come on! Now you're just being contrary for contrary's sake.

Bless you, tying yourself in knots trying to find an "alternative perspective" has really taken its toll.

Making it more special for who, though?

Not more special for op. Making something more special for yourself isn't friendship.

I'm so angry on your behalf OP. They know you well enough to know their suggestion is totally not your thing, even if money wasn't an issue why should you pay more to ensure your birthday plans suit their preferences better? Joan's initial response was rude, friend b and c's follow up replies to your message were dismissive. They sound like sullen schoolgirls.

I'd consider them less as "group" and focus on the relationships with the women who you like and treat you well. Like friend E.

And feel free to jump onto scotsnet if you want any suggestions, tips or restaurant recommendations for your birthday trip

Also OP said this : So I have messaged now and said thanks but can’t do the weekend away due to the budget restraints this year. I explained I am visiting my mother’s home country.

Their silence / text about being disappointed in her came after she clearly stated this.

They could’ve easily apologised at that point and shown enthusiasm for her crafts and lunch plan - which they should’ve done to begin with but instead some of them doubled down and tried to make her feel bad.

Right, OP calls them “good” friends and she’s been friends with them a long time. Unless your position is that OP has terrible taste and no discrimination - she’s liked them all enough to be friends this long.

It’s very common that people think others would enjoy something they would. I’ve given friends presents I’d like myself. There are loads of Joans in the world - big character, bit overbearing, bossy, confident, rather insensitive and tactless. But they’re not all selfish and malicious. OP accepts Joan might have just wanted her “to have a fun birthday” despite the fact clubbing is not her thing.

It’s their idea of what would be more special for OP. Despite the fact it’s not her thing.

A old friend of mine once took her academic DH to Harvey Nichols for his birthday. My dad once bought my mum a handrail for her birthday. Predictably they went down like the proverbial lead balloon.

Does anyone else think that Joan or one of the others is actually writing some of the replies here lol?!

Definitely!

Ah, I’m really pleased about this, OP. I realise it doesn’t compensate for the rest of them, but it’s nice to know you have at least one real friend.

How could they not know?
OP arranges something that she wants to do
Why on earth would they think that she wanted to do something else?

OP - your Scotland trip with the family sounds amazing and sooo much better than an expensive boozy weekend with bitch Joan & co.

Well a friend of mine or one of my siblings might organise something for a landmark birthday - and the others in the group might say - hey this is a landmark let’s do something special. Just because you suggested painting plates doesn’t mean you wouldn’t equally enjoy a weekend in Scotland.

Sorry to add to this, but as well as the precedent being that the birthday person arranges the celebration the OP has confirmed that she had shared her plans with a couple of people in the group.
Not only did they know what she'd prefer, but they were being utterly presumptuous in taking over her birthday plans

"Don't you also think that, if you've organised something you would enjoy for your own birthday, your friends should appreciate the fact that you've done that and come along?

They didn't need to organise anything, it was already done. They just had to accept the invitation, turn up with a view to having fun then enjoyed a meal at a, to quote OP, 'one of the nicest restaurants in the area'.

Instead they dismissed that as potentially lame and organised their version of what OP SHOULD like. Very rude."

No! I'd never even think to dictate what people should do socially. I wouldn't pick a niche hobby that at least one person in the group would not enjoy.

I wouldn't expect people with kids to get up early on one of the only lie in days they get a week, sort childcare to go to a morning event then a sober lunch. Done by 2pm? So then not enough time to do anything else. Also you couldn't go out the night before as you'd have to be up early.

I would never assume people would find pottery painting fun. There are thousands more bars than these places for a reason!

If organising for a group surely you go for popular activities? Most birthdays involve evening drinking of some description. This is what this group had done previously.