Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

No they haven't thought they were being good friends, they haven't thought at all. Its not being a good friend to totally can off an invitation and plan something entirely other. They weren't going to be giving anything. The OP would have had to pay her own share AND buy them dinner on the holiday.

As I said upthread it’s understandable that someone who feels in desperate need of a friend would jump at any scraps offered, and I have been there myself as a younger person but that’s not a healthy mindset.

Thankfully OP either has other friends OR for whatever reasons she’s not going to tolerate poor behaviour. That’s definitely to be applauded and I’m happy that she doesn’t feel grateful at this disrespect.

Just because you would be ok with it, it doesn’t mean that it’s unreasonable if others have higher standards and don’t accept this crappy treatment.

Be honest. You don't have to be ashamed in front of them for admitting you want something low key in budget.

Can people at least read all of OPs responses?

She has been very clear with them that she can’t afford what they proposed.

And it’s kind of beside the point, because aside from the fact that’s it rude to try and dictate how others should celebrate their birthday, even if she could afford it’s not even something she would want to do.

This really is a weird thread.
"They've done this thinking they're being good friends"
"they meant well"

I mean W T actual F?

I can of course. And I too would be really cross in the moment. And also I found around age 40 (before HRT) this sort of thing would really wind me up. But really..its getting a bit melodramatic now. The OP will look back on this and wonder why she got so upset. It's so minor in the scheme of life and is it really worth this huge stress and now her mum is upset for her. Just bin those mates or not.

The OP wanted to do a particular thing for.her birthday. Her friends didn't want to and organised something they wanted to do instead. It was thoughtless and a bit dismissive and mean of them and would really annoy me of course. But not that much. I wouldnt get revved up like this thread is doing. It's not having an.affair with her husband. She can surely work out if these people are her friends or not and act accordingly.

Totally irrelevant. It's not about you. It's OP's birthday.

Big hug, OP. I think you’ve handled this upsetting situation very well. Have a brilliant time in Scotland X

OP you do what makes you happy. If these ”good” friends don’t approve and can’t empathise and understand what makes you happy then do what you’d like with the people who make you feel great.

This!

Well....it still sounds like something you can't be angry with people for if they don't pretend they want to go. I did agree with the OP at the start of this thread but reading all the comments It's all getting a bit dramatic and precious now.

ummm because she thought they were her friends and the tradition in the group is for the birthday girl to choose the activity? I do agree that if it were me, in a few years time I would look back and be grateful to have canned those friends, but this is in the here and now and it hurts. IMO the OP has dealt with it with great grace and good sense but no need for you to kick her as well.

Absolute cheeky fuckery of them.
Joan can fuck right off.
This group does sound like Motherland, I know you referenced it earlier OP.

You're definitely better off finding new friends mate.
The whole thing is just a circus.
SHE'S picked somewhere that SHE likes and you will HAVE to pay for the activities and drinks because it's YOUR birthday. I still don't really get that if I'm honest. The people I hang with will put money together to give you a great time on your birthday because it's all about you.

Just be honest if theyre true friends they'll understand. But do it before hey start booking and spending money. Just say sorry I don't want to go away I wanted a nice quiet celebration as planned. I'm really not up to a weekend away and money is tight at the moment so don't feel I'd enjoy myself so I'll be sticking to original plans.

She has told them, @Laura95167 - and instead of accepting what she has said - that she can’t afford the clubbing weekend abroad, and wants to do the activity and meal she had already planned - they have tried to guilt-trip her into going along with their plan because they think it is better than what she wants. That is NOT the action of good friends.

No it's really nothing to get this wound up by. I love a good flounce off as much as the next person but she's potentially reading too much into things. Her friends are just thoughtless and selfish. The OP will already know this.

Organising a holiday "for your birthday" (but not somewhere you want to go and not doing the thing you wanted to do) is annoying but it's not chopping your legs off below the knee. Either they apologise and try and make things right or they don't, then the OP will know what to do.

"Believe it or not it's better to have no friends than shit friends. Shit friends are soul destroying"

Spend a few years & birthdays with no friends and sitting home alone & come back and see if you still feel that way.

Friend B is just as bad as Joan. Trying to make you feel bad.
You should have just responded to her to say that the craft morning and lunch was what you actually wanted to do for YOUR birthday and that you had put a lot of work in to finding the activity that you wanted to do. If you wanted to go on a party boozing weekend, you would have booked it!

I think you should do the craft morning with the lovely friend that took the time to message you separately 😊.

And have the loveliest family weekend in Scotland x

Op had already decided what she wanted to do though & had invited them to join her.

There was no need for anyone to be organising anything.

I think I could make an educated guess based on what they did for a living and how well it was doing – which OP had told her friends wasn't that well at the moment.

Be honest with them. They have been incredibly arrogant hijacking your plans. Tell them what you want to do and stick to your guns.

Come on - being on your own is 100 x times better than shit friends !

The OP isn't in that situation though, so this isn't relevant for her dilemma. It is the OP's situation people are discussing, not yours. Stop trying to make it about you.

I think some posters here are rather overegging the conflict. But that is often the way on MN. Some posters seem to love casting aside friendships and creating drama. But the OP seems like a sensible person, so I am sure she will make good decisions for her friendships and how to approach this situation.

That’s a good friend, OP. Hang on to her.

Not if the plan was to organise it for me and take me away for a weekend.