Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

Agree
Just learn from this and move on.
I know you want friends- we all do.
But these are 'fair' weather type.
They are there for a good time - but not for anything serious- and there's nothing wrong with having a friends like that - we need them.
But pinch of salt stuff.
The minute they changed the plan ( and to be fair to a party girl - pottery / flowering arrangement/ knitting/ sewing - can sound very boring and something her great granny does) - you had 2 choices

1 join in enthusiastic with the new group plan Or 2 say 'nah - no thanks not my thing - no explanation.

Fair weather friends don't really care about your financial situation sadly - probably embarrassed about it -- this is supposed to be a fun group.

I'd just let it go.

You do you.

Sounds like you have a great dh.

Enjoy Scotland

Hope the business picks up x

Thats a very good message.

I wouldn't be bothering with any further meet ups though.
I'd be busy.

This is so true! The school gate “friends” are generally just for convenience and fade away when the children have moved on.
In my experience the school gate groups are horribly cliquey and tend to the sort of competitiveness, jealousy, bitchiness that I’ve never had in other friend groups.

There’s a lot of passive aggressive replies being mooted to send to these women but honestly just be straight and factual. It’s not your thing, you can’t afford it. You feel upset they have arranged something instead of the event you have put time and thought in to organising. You won’t be going. Simple!

It's fucking piss poor they couldn't just do what you chose to be honest. They didn't need to travel, it wasn't costing them anything except time. And if you're a good friend the time should be a given

I wouldn't particularly want to do a craft session followed by tea but I sure as hell would join in with enthusiasm if that's what my friend wanted, even if I had to pay for it!

Let that sink in before you decide how to respond...

I had a message this morning, sent late last night from friend B to say the group had tried to arrange something nice for me, and Joan especially had worked hard to make it special, and they were all ‘disappointed’ that I didn’t seem to like the idea. Subtlety suggesting I should be more receptive, and open to the weekend away. Just as some pp had said

'I'm equally disappointed in you all that you didn't like my idea, so there we go. I'm going to be arranging something with family, it's better to have fun than spend money I don't have on a trip I don't want just to avoid disappointing you all'.

Dear all

I've been thinking about my birthday and I think I'm just going to have a quiet one this year.

The weekend away in (location) is not really my thing and a bit out of budget at the moment. I hope you understand. Maybe we can do the craft class another time later in the year as well.

I hope you have a great time and we can have a catch up afterwards and you can show me the pictures x.

I am not going to make things awkward, and cause a big scene, but I am really hurt that friend b has been appointed spokeswoman for the group to tell me how disappointing I am for not agreeing to the weekend. To make matters even worse there is clearly a second group chat. Maybe set up for my so called benefit?! ‘Dapple's big 40th club weekend’ or something 😬
It’s now being used to discuss ‘what to do’. No doubt the sunset cocktails on the beach is what they had in mind, as pp said. Not sure anyone’s checked the weather in April though.

Slightly aghast we haven’t all just said let’s make a plan over dinner and wine on x date. As most friends would do. It’s too awkward and too late for that now.

At this point I have just had enough of the teenage behaviour, and I just WA and thanked them for thinking of me, and I have decided on a Scottish weekend away with the kids and family. We will do something later in the year when it warms up. A bbq most probably. And left it at that. Very vague and unlikely to happen.
I am not sure I’ll be rushing to invite them anywhere again.

My mother is reacting quite badly to my mistreatment, and is busy planning the ‘best Scottish family trip’ ever according to her! 🙈 Perhaps I should have gone on the girls trip after all!!

Now this is good. But into the group chat not just to B (who might twist it to the others) starting with something along the lines of "B has told me you're disappointed in not keen on the proposed weekend away"

It's your birthday do what you want. I had one friend who when I turned 40 was all about wanting to go out partying getting drunk because it's your 40th we have to plan something big.

My other friend was let's spend the day together have lunch visit an art gallery catch up with each other.

I chose the lunch and art gallery. Just me and my best friend. She knew what I liked, as she is pretty much similar to me, low key and quiet. My other friend was a party girl any excuse for a night out regardless of if I'd enjoy it. When I said I don't do partying she said I can teach you. I know how to I did it when I was younger just at 40 I'm not interested in that.

So you do you. If they are real friends worth keeping they will understand and it won't matter.

Worth noting party girl friend I haven't heard from in 2 yrs. Best friend well this yr we are having a quiet joint birthday lunch and day together as our birthday are days apart. I don't regret my decision.

No - I definitely don’t feel like I ‘WON’ in the grand scheme of things. Using her was an awful, immature thing to do. I also feel I can’t use my poor mental state at the time as an excuse because I was in my 30s at this point ! It was blatant emotional immaturity on my part, and I’m ashamed.

its a bit like school bullying. People invariably don’t punish bullies - whether that’s other children or even teachers - because it’s easier to turn a blind eye. However the bully ‘WINS’ by succeeding in humiliating and cowing their victim who can’t fight back. But it’s not a win in the long term/broader scheme of things, it’s SHAMRFUL, SHAMEFUL, SHAMEFUL!!

No I’ve not apologised as such as she’s said to me NEVER to contact her again in her text. I have been tempted to, via Facebook, but feel that this would be disrespectful to her wishes so haven’t

I agree with this.
Much as it is very tempting to let them know exactly what you think of them , I think it’s better to be cool and calm and factual.
Less drama and emotion means you will look like the grown up. Don’t engage with their “victim” narrative or their “disappointment “ .

I get that you can't afford a trip away but the craft class sounds a pretty dire choice for young women in their 40's!! More like something you'd do for a 70th? Maybe a cocktail making class would be more fun?!

Just seen this ! It sounds as if you have a lovely husband and a great mum! You will be fine OP!
It’s a live and learn experience.
Have a great birthday

my friendship group we always have a group chat for friends birthdays when planning what we are treating them to. They get asked for dates on the main chat, things they definitely don’t want to do, things they like ideas of and then we go back to birthday chat to sort out. We currently have 3 birthdays we are organising (one mine) so I’m only on 2 of the birthday chats. So it can be nasty or it can be established practice!

I'm glad you've sorted you birthday weekend op, it sounds a million miles better than what they had planned (so did your original plan!). People can be so disappointing at times, but at least you know who you are really dealing with now xx

Your mum sounds ace OP.

Not if it's something she enjoys.

P.s a cocktail making class would bore the pants off me

I know plenty of women in their 40s who would love a craft class, OP for one.
Ultimately, it’s OP’s birthday, and she calls the shots, especially if she’s paying. The friends had their opportunity to voice any objections and missed it. I’ve done plenty of things that weren’t my first choice but did it because a close friend wanted to.

Very well done op. I would have probably been blunter and replied to say thanks for thinking of you but paty weekend would be your idea of hell so going to swerve and have a quiet one with the family instead but they should crack on and raise a glass to you if they still want to go.

So glad you are planning a lovely weekend away with family in Scotland. What a shame your friends have acted so selfishly though no doubt they have twisted it round in their own minds that they have only acted in your best interest. Have a wonderful time and don't give your friends another thought, though it will be interesting to note which of them send a card/ flowers etc. Happy 40th!

That’s a good message back. And you’ll have a fab time with family.

i know plenty of women in their 20s who would love a craft class then lunch. How? it's what my DD did with her friends, and they loved it.

And it's not as though they don't like to party, i have met them a few times passing through the station on my way to work when they're coming home from an event

P.s a cocktail making class would bore the pants off me

I'd rather just be drinking them!

'Big parties with marquees. London days out etc. Multiple different events. Can’t elaborate much more. One had a party in her garden but it was catered, simple and so lovely.'

If the above is what the group have already done for their 40th Birthdays, there is no mention of weekends abroad in Ibiza or wherever Joan wants to go for your 40th.

Why didn't Joan organise such a weekend for her own 40th birthday ?