Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

Absolutely- CLASSIC ‘Drama Triangle’ situation!!

I had a message this morning, sent late last night from friend B to say the group had tried to arrange something nice for me, and Joan especially had worked hard to make it special, and they were all ‘disappointed’ that I didn’t seem to like the idea.

Actually I think I'd send this:

B has messaged to say you are disappointed that having worked hard to make my birthday special I didn't seem to like the idea.

What you're not considering is that I had already worked hard to make my birthday special, by arranging the celebration I really wanted. I'm sure you thought you were doing something nice but what you've actually done is dismiss my plans as not good enough and replaced them with something you'd rather do instead. With seemingly no consideration about what I'd enjoy and totally out of my budget.

So actually I'm also disappointed. And I've made plans with my family instead.

The initial invite was last week in and the intervening week the "friendship" group had completely hijacked the idea and arranged a party holiday to Ibiza (or similar) instead. I think when OP posted she already wanted out and the post was for validation and courage to pull the plug. Pretty much within the first few replies she had that in spades.

Id just be honest in my response.

Hey, sorry if I've scuppered your plans, but as I said money is a bit tight so I can't afford this right now. It's also not my thing tbh.

I thought you'd all appreciate the craft day and tea I'd arranged, as it's something I've fancied doing which is within my budget. It might not be the grand gesture that you all had in mind for a 40th but I was looking forward to it.

As no one seemed that bothered about my arrangements, I've now cancelled it and decided to do something with dh instead. How you all enjoy your trip and maybe we can catch up another time x

I don’t agree with pointing out what they’ve done wrong.

I don’t think women like this are going to stand back, reflect and apologise.

They will take the position of the strongest woman in the group, put their spin on it, build a narrative that you’re ungrateful when they offered to pay, that it wasn’t going to be just clubbing, or that you’re no fun.

You’ll then be painted as an ungrateful trouble maker and burn friendships. Maybe these people wouldn’t be around if you had cancer, like you say but few friends are. They’re fluffy fun friends and they have their role and purpose.

The group is guilty of not knowing your audience.

I don’t think they wanted to do a craft day and
I think they consider a 40th to be memorable and celebratory. Toasting each other by sunset = memorable. Making a glazed bowl together is enjoyable but maybe not fun and momentous as what they feel.

I think these women sound a bit free, fun loving, on the go, outgoing & thoughtless and a different breed to the typical Mumsnetter.

I don’t doubt Joan is an Amanda. The way they ignored your post is typical of these groups of women. It’s a cliquey vibe and showing up for each other is how these women operate - travelling in packs & agreeing to get up & go to stuff. Hence why you’re in that group - you show up & now they want to show up for you. No offence intended but it’s like a pack of puppies that are confused that one of them is abandoning the rules and pack.

Every group has a culture and a way and you’re going against theirs.

I am not for a second saying they’re right or faultless but I think throwing them in the bad friend pile is a step too far.

I think politely sit it out and wiggle out but don’t blow up your longstanding friendship or create an argument as you will lose.

I don’t have anything helpful to contribute regarding your friends - there has been some good advice already. I had the same issue with my 30th and removed myself from the group. No fuss, no nastiness, I just slowly distanced myself from them. Doubt they even noticed. I still feel sad about it sometimes as I thought they were good friends but 🤷‍♀️ they weren’t.

I have a couple of very lovely friends now who are brilliant and there are no politics and no dramas.

Puffins are brilliant and Scotland is beautiful.
I hope you have an amazing time celebrating your 40th.

I know you have already made your plans for Scotland but reading through the thread and when I got to you idea of what your holiday would be like I thought of this: https://potadoodledo.com/

Its near the beach in Northumberland and has a family craft centre on site. It is also near Holy Isle and loads of places that offer sea bird tours. There's no Harry Potter train, but near enough is "hogwarts" https://www.alnwickcastle.com/explore/on-screen/harry-potter

I think you can tell friend B you appreciate they have tried to something nice, but it doesn't feel at all like it's 'for you' - it's not somewhere you would ever want to go, it's too expensive and you are gutted that you tried to do something YOU wanted, for YOUR birthday and they are shitting all over it and basically saying your idea is rubbish

Do you want these friendships to continue, or do you feel they are now past their shelf life? If so, it's still a crappy way to find that out though

Have a fabulous time in beautiful Scotland

OP back in 2005 I was in a bad place mentally and I’m ashamed to say, used a former friend for support in December 2004, but by April 2005 she knew I wanted to discard her.

She sent me a very strongly worded text in April 2005 saying - “you obviously don’t want to bother with me, NEVER contact me again”

She let me know how upset she was - thing is. If she had just let me fade away I would’ve have thought she didn’t care about me either way. But by saying how upset she was - I feel she LOST, in a sense and I WON. If she’d said nothing - there would’ve been no real win/lose situation.

im ashamed of my behaviour and there’s no excuse for it - I should’ve had more maturity

This may help you OP

Your message yesterday afternoon was the right thing to do. In no way should you feel embarrassed.

@Lavenderfarmcottage They hadn't offered to pay though?

Everyone would pay for their own trip (including OP) and the plan was that the OP would also pay for a meal for them on the day the group "had designated" to celebrate her birthday.

I would reply now,

it was a nice thought however I simply do not have the funds to do anything like that and it's really not my thing, which is why I arranged a celebration that was within my budget and something that I thought we would all enjoy. As my friends, I would hope that you understand my situation.

However I will now cancel the original plans as it seems clear that it is not something that anyone wants to do and I will arrange to do something with my family instead.

I would just calmly and factually explain to Friend B (when she tries to talk you round) your feelings on all of this. But keep it brief and to the point. I would definitely reiterate the financial situation as well and then close the conversation down.

Everyone saying she should go back and mention she can't afford it. One question.

Why should the OP even mention budget? Or that she can't afford it. It shouldn't come into it and they'll use that to patronise the OP and possibly ostracise her for being the 'poor friend'.

They've taken over her birthday, she had already made plans. That's the crux of it. Even if she could afford the weekend away she wouldn't want to go and she had already planned something with them. Most friends would suck it up and go and celebrate regardless of whether they like it or not, it's their friend's birthday.

Money or lack of, doesn't even need to be brought up.

I went back and read OPs post to see where she knew these people from and kind of went aaah when I saw they were from her kids school.

I’m not a mum myself but what I’ve observed from reading MN and hearing a little from my uni friends - most of whom are parents - is that many of these friendship made at the primary school gate tend to be very much about convenience and soon fizzle out, especially if the someone moves away.

It’s the same with work friends, and “neighbour friends”. Not always of course - I mean some of my closest friends are from previous jobs but then I can think of many more who just totally fell away when I/they changed jobs.

OTOH my uni friends and even some childhood friends are scattered throughout the Uk and beyond so although we may not see each other regularly I feel the friendships are a lot more to do with genuine connection than convenience or proximity and have lasted almost two decades with zero drama.

OP if you have other good friends I’d focus more on them. I think friends are important but only if they’re good friends. It sounds like you have a wonderful family and no friends is better than bad friends!

Bright and breezy msj best. They are mean and will laugh at anything suggesting you’re hurt.

Hi guys, just a quick update. Thanks to you all for your kind efforts on my behalf (unasked too!) but it turns out family has alternative ‘surprise’ plans for my birthday. So going with those arrangements instead. Have a lovely trip. See you soon x

This^

short and sweet but to the point.

I'd be sending a message along the lines of "this is my birthday that you have hijacked and this is not what I want to do so I will not be joining you. Have a nice time".

I think some of this is due to your 40th being the last one and therefore the last excuse for a blow out until everyone starts turning 50.

Could you say that the weekend they have planned would be great as a joint celebration of you all now being 40 (and you would be up for it on that basis at a later date when your finances improve) but isn't suitable as a specific celebration of your birthday as it's not really your particular kind of thing. Then say you are going to cancel the craft thing as it wasn't well received (great wording from pp!), will do something with family that weekend instead and say you will organise something else to celebrate your birthday with them on a different date.

This kicks the can down the road on how you celebrate your birthday with them and on the weekend away and you can see how things pan out and end up doing one, both or neither.

I do think the guilt tripping message is awful and pack mentality has taken hold and they are unable to see they have done anything wrong as all justifying each others actions. In these circs everything you say will get twisted so best to say as little as possible until hopefully some of them see sense.

Bloody hell, OP, you've become the doormat of the group - a group of people that aren't that friendly, btw.

If my friends had done that I'd have told them 'WTF, it's my birthday and I want to do this, so you can come if you like, or not, but I don't want to do anything else.'

Say stuff like that in future. It's also a good way to find out who is a friend and who is a user. Your 40th (or any birthday) should be about YOU not them, so I'm glad to hear you have not invited them to the new plans.

Have a great birthday!

Gosh I so agree

The last message about them all being disappointed 😂 some people can't see beyond the end of their own nose can they?!
I don't know if I could be arsed to answer today. I'd probably sit on it for a while and let them stew. Fuck them and the guilt tripping.
When I did eventually reply, I'd be brief and truthful, tell them the holiday wasn't your style, you can't afford it and you had wanted to do the crafting. As it was badly received, you now have other plans with family. You don't need to apologise or elaborate. It's not your problem they steamed ahead planning things you didn't want; they can still go. Leave them to it, they very obviously have a little group chat separately and are having a good old bitch in there. Not the kind of mates you want.

Bunch of bitches, especially with the 'dispatching of friend B' to 'talk you round'.

FFS. THey want a wild weekend away that has nothing to do with you and are pushing back, even though they know you don't like that type of event and said money was an issue right now. Even though it's supposed to be for your 40th, not theirs. They've had theirs.

I'd just message the group at this point and tell them that you hope they enjoy the weekend they've planned for themselves, but you will now be spending your 40th with your family doing something you enjoy.

I did too for the same reason. You're nearly 40 for goodness sake, use your words!

You say you’re ashamed of how badly you treated her but yet you also say you feel you “won” because she was honest in how she feels.

I wonder do you still feel like you “won” or was that a former toxic response than you’ve now grown and moved on from? Hopefully you can see it’s not a win to lose what sounded like a good friend and it’s not a win to be showing yourself up as a user.

If someone calls me out on poor behaviour and if I know I’m guilty of it, I certainly don’t feel victorious.

Did you ever apologise to said friend?

The way I see it is anyone who feels like that about me expressing upset was never a real friend to me anyway, so I wouldn’t let that hold me back from saying how I feel.