This happened to me over my 30th.
Mixed sex group of friends from uni days, we’d always done what the birthday person wanted. Tradition was we meet in pub/cafe (depending on activity time/type) and birthday person reveals what activity / venue is. Nothing was ever outrageous, but varied from comedy night to ice skating, painting plates and even a DJ class! I was the last to turn 30. None of us had kids then.
I’ve always loved dancing even though I’m rubbish at it. I wanted to go to a swing dance night. Checked before hand with venue and yes, they were happy for a birthday group of first-timers to come along. Ticket price was something like £3.
At the pub I tell everyone what we’re doing, said it’ll be fun and we’ll go on somewhere after as the open class was only an hour and we don’t have to stay all night.
Girl I thought was my best friend says “That sounds like sh*t. Anyone got any better ideas?” Someone produced a copy of Time Out and they sat there in a huddle planning MY birthday night. They decided on a new bar followed by burgers and then Ministry of Sound. I hate dance music, always have.
Stupidly I agreed.
Went to the bar with them but when we got to the burger place I just couldn’t face going in. I was at the back and watched them all climb the steps. My boyfriend at the time (of 10 years, part of the uni group) asked if I was alright, I said my stomach was a bit delicate and I didn’t feel up to a burger. He said he’d let them know and went inside. I waited outside for a bit, then left and went home.
On the last tube back I realised that as I watched them going up the steps I was seeing my friendships slip away. Sounds dramatic, but that’s just how it hit me. Even now, in my 50s I can clearly picture them all laughing and chatting as they went into the burger place.
I went home, on my own, cried myself to sleep and vowed never to attempt to celebrate another birthday of mine. I’ll do everyone else’s, I’ll even arrange it for them, I love helping people celebrate birthdays! But I won't do mine ever again.
When I met my husband he was happy to accept a cake, cards etc as a surprise from me for his birthday, but as he’s autistic it doesn’t occur to him to reciprocate for me. That both hurts and doesn’t. I’d love someone to do something for my birthday, but at the same time I’m scared to arrange anything myself in case the same thing happens again. So I’ve become known as someone who doesn’t do birthdays and no one bothers. I guess they think I wouldn’t want them to.
Stupidly I stayed in a relationship with that boyfriend and the group of uni friends for another couple of years after that. Until one evening my 30th came up in conversation and they all laughed at how it was a great night out and that they’d managed to blag their way into another club on the way to MoS by telling the door that it was my birthday and how great both clubs were. I pointed out that I didn’t go to either and they were astonished. No one had noticed I wasn’t there. Even my boyfriend who had left me outside the burger place and had gone clubbing without me hadn’t noticed I’d gone home alone. You’d think they would have noticed I wasn’t in any of the photos, but no, they didn’t.
So sorry to hijack the OPs thread, but please take this as a cautionary tale. These people are not your friends. Don’t try to appease them or persuade them to do your choice of birthday activity. If they really cared for you as a friend they’d do it without complaint or comment.
Go and do your choice of thing with your husband, or use the money you save from not paying for such ungrateful, spiteful maggots to do your choice of activity, to spend a weekend away with your husband - hotel or tent, whatever YOU choose!
Those women won’t become better, the friendship dynamic was faux, and fleeting at that. Your People are out there somewhere, they may even be here, on Mumsnet. But they’re definitely not the ones planning on a pricey weekend abroad to somewhere you don’t want to go, doing something you despise.
Don’t let them plant a memory of a birthday you hate. Because 20+ years later that memory will still hurt. And you shouldn’t be made to feel that.
Big hugs! x