Would you find it a bit rude if someone did this in your home ?

[imnotgivinup]

I have this new ' friend ' and recently been extremely put off by her. Many many reasons I could go on, but in a nutshell- she's very dominant, knows it all better and is quite bossy too.

Her son and my son are in the same class at school and recently I invited them for dinner.

She picked them both up and took them to my house. As we came through the door, she demanded I immediately change my son's clothes as they'd played outside and rolled down a grass hill in the school. ( they do this every day, so it's not new to me at all ). She then demanded I immediately wash his hands too. As in, she didn't let him come into my house properly and ordered us both upstairs. I was going to sort him out anyway, in my own way, but she was so bossy about how I should do it and when, it really annoyed me tbh.

Then later on she was really raising her voice at my little one ( I have a 2 year old and 5 year old ) to sit properly in his chair. I was sitting next to him and handling his behaviour just fine, but obviously just not enough for her liking - she felt she needed to step in and tell him off quite loudly.

Then we moved to the living room, where the TV was already on. The kids weren't watching it and were just playing with blocks and trains and having a great time. I went to the toilet and when I came back, she'd switched the TV off. I asked her if the kids had switched it off and she said ' no I switched it off '. I thought that was also weird. I wouldn't turn the TV off in someone's house. The kids weren't even glued to it or anything.

These are just a couple to small examples of this woman's behaviour and I have decided to just keep things civil but to no longer engage as much with her. There are many more examples. Another one was that we went out as a group to a restaurant and she didn't think we should tip the waiters - even though I said we definitely should, as it's just what you do. She repeatedly told me no, the food wasn't good enough to be tipped. It was actually fine and the service was fine too. The food just wasn't phenomenal. In the end I slipped them some money, as I was so embarrassed not to tip anything. We were a large group- 15 plus, but her and I were sorting out the payment.

These are all red flags right ? Or am I just being sensitive here ? I would never behave like this with anyone - from ordering them to wash / change their child- I would have just made the mother aware and left her to decide what to do. To just switching off someone's TV and then demanding not to tip at a restaurant. It's just not cool to me to behave like that.

You clearly aren’t compatible. Don’t invite her again. I’d have found her abrasive and rude, too, so absolutely would be seeking to avoid her going forward.

As the poster pointed out quite clearly, having the TV screen on but not watching it can cause sensory issues for some of us. I also can’t cope with certain types of lighting and have to leave a room if the light is bothering me.

Surely you could say “Do you mind if I turn off the TV?” if that was the case?

I honestly cannot got over the amount of people that it’s ok to go into a new friends house and turn their tv.

So really by that token then she should have left instead of turning off op's tv?

I'm not sure anything she's done is a red flag. It's just that you aren't compatible. You think she's bossy and domineering, and you don't like it. That's okay. Just back off from the relationship.

Nah I don't think she's done anything massively that bad, you obviously don't really like her and that's fine, you just aren't same-wavelength friends.

I don't agree that she's a bully, that's too harsh. 'Demanding' hands are washed could perhaps be a hangover from Covid, my DS8 washes his hands as son as he gets in because it was drummed into him as a 4/5 year old.

Are you sure she loudly told your little one off? Surely you'd have stepped in there and then if she did that in your own home?

I'm not being reductive and it's obviously miffed you, I just don't think she's an ogre, just different and not for you,

Not in someone else's house it's not!!

And anyone who told my child off when I was present would get a flea in their ear.

Rude and domineering. Avoid.

In someone else's house? That's weird overstepping

Are you sure she loudly told your little one off?

Why would she have put it in her post if it hadn’t happened?

Do you need me to answer that?

Just seems really pointless to bother engaging with a thread if you think they’re lying about what they’ve written in it.
And do you think saying ‘are you sure that happened’ would have the effect of her replying ‘no, I lied, she was actually perfectly pleasant and I made this all of for laughs’?

If a guest turned off a tv in my home without asking, I'd physically throw them out of the front door! I very, very rarely watch tv and neither does DD but if it was on and a guest who I had welcomed into my home had taken it upon themselves to do that, let alone order me or DD about in our home, I'd be furious. How fucking dare she?!

With respect it feels a little like you're engaging in the thread just to pick fights.

I asked if this woman really shouted at her little one because, and I suspect I speak for most people, when I say I would have pulled her up pretty sharply there and then if she'd done that to my DC.

I agree it’s v rude. But would you really push them physically out of your home? Would you not speak to them first?

OP, friends are people you like and enjoy spending time with. You just met someone you don't like. I really don't understand what you're asking here. You want us all to validate your dislike of her? Why?

@Britneyfan Do you have social difficulties, such as ASD/ADHD? The social behaviour you describe in that long post, wouldn't be acceptable amongst any neurotypical people imo. It would be viewed as controlling & self-centred and almost certainly heavily, heavily rude.

Not your place to do that in someone else's house!

If it's bothering you, use your words as an adult!

Why would you feel the need to ask this when the OP stated it? I don't see anyone "starting fights" either? Just someone (actual several posters!) querying a silly question?

Do you think she put it on for shits and giggles and will retract it now that you have challenged her?!

"With respect" is not a meaningful term to use either!

Well I’m not.
My point is that she said the woman shouted at her child. You can either take that at face value and respond accordingly, or if you think it’s untrue report as a suspected troll or ignore. I just can’t see any scenario where, if the OP was lying, she’s going to say ‘no, you’re right, I completely made it up’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

She's overpowering. Can't be bothered with ppl like that.

I vote abrasive and hard work. Give her a wide berth.

Then you change how you deal with her. Mirroring her bossy behaviour wouldn’t work for her, and letting her carry on as she is, isn’t working for you. So if she’s going to be in your friendship circle, you need to find another way of coping with her. Personally, I’d be inclined to treat her like a bossy toddler. Make it clear that you aren’t taking her seriously and you’re not willing to entertain her demands.

What if, when she tries to organise you into cleaning up your DC at her pace, rather than yours, you laugh and ask her whether she remembers that you’re a grown adult, not one of her DC, and will be sorting your son out when it suits you? She can’t physically force you up the stairs. You don’t have to walk in the direction she points you in. You can just laugh and tell her not to be so daft. Tell her that when someone tries to organise you or boss you about, it’s guaranteed to make you dig your heels in and not do it. Start referring to her as Squadron Leader. Ask her if she was the eldest child by any chance? Or whether she learnt her social skills from Attila the Hun. Ask her if you need to put her on the naughty step. If she turns the tv off, you switch it back on and say ‘come on now, you’re old enough to know that we don’t do that in other people’s houses without asking first’. If she refuses to leave a tip, then you quietly say ‘This isn’t just your decision my lovely. I’ll be leaving a tip’. Ask her whether she remembers that she’s actually not your employer.

I think a few weeks of this will reduce her desire for a friendship, but if she suggests spending time together, tell her ‘Ooh God no, you don’t find it fun, do you?’ And if she asks you what you mean, then there’s your chance to tell her that she obviously doesn’t like the way you do things and that you don’t like being ordered about, so you don’t think you’re compatible.

I think her telling you to change his clothes and wash is hands is something i would say to my friend just to alert her to the situation of her son's clothes since she wasn't there to see what happened. She definitely shouldn't have told your kid off but turning off your tv isn't all that much of a big deal.

Now, onto the restaurant. Let me get this right. You wanted to have your way about tipping and she didn't agree with you but somehow she is in the wrong? She is entitled to tip if she wants and it is NOT a must that she do especially if she felt so strongly about the food. You felt the food was fine and that's ok but that's YOU. You called this woman bossy but i think it was also bossy of you to try to get her to do what YOU want with her own money. I will not be letting anyone dictate to me how i spend my money.

She sounds dominating and used to be in control. You aren't compatible and that is OK just dong invite her again. Did you comply when she told you what to do with your child? I wouldn't have changed outfit cos some1 demanded. Tv thing odd but not outrageous.
The tip thing I kinda agree it seems to be expected these days maybe if less people tipped average service and food the service in some places would improve 🙄 if it was a big group was there not a service charge anyway?

@DalzielOrNoDalzielAndDontPascoe I never said they were “wrong”. Just that it would be difficult for me, and if I am the one in the room with the kids and the TV, with the kids not watching it and OP in another room anyway then yes I might switch it off as it is serving no purpose to anybody, but stressing me out.

Totally different situation if OP is in the room and actively watching something.

And like I said, even in this situation 90 percent of the time I’d ask if OP minds first. In general, people want their guests to be comfortable fortunately.

And honestly I’d find it extremely rude that they had it on at all in the first place while guests came over. They can obviously do what they like at other times. I’m shocked other people think it’s acceptable to have the TV on when you invite someone over, unless you’ve specifically decided to watch something on TV together.