Would you find it a bit rude if someone did this in your home ?

[imnotgivinup]

I have this new ' friend ' and recently been extremely put off by her. Many many reasons I could go on, but in a nutshell- she's very dominant, knows it all better and is quite bossy too.

Her son and my son are in the same class at school and recently I invited them for dinner.

She picked them both up and took them to my house. As we came through the door, she demanded I immediately change my son's clothes as they'd played outside and rolled down a grass hill in the school. ( they do this every day, so it's not new to me at all ). She then demanded I immediately wash his hands too. As in, she didn't let him come into my house properly and ordered us both upstairs. I was going to sort him out anyway, in my own way, but she was so bossy about how I should do it and when, it really annoyed me tbh.

Then later on she was really raising her voice at my little one ( I have a 2 year old and 5 year old ) to sit properly in his chair. I was sitting next to him and handling his behaviour just fine, but obviously just not enough for her liking - she felt she needed to step in and tell him off quite loudly.

Then we moved to the living room, where the TV was already on. The kids weren't watching it and were just playing with blocks and trains and having a great time. I went to the toilet and when I came back, she'd switched the TV off. I asked her if the kids had switched it off and she said ' no I switched it off '. I thought that was also weird. I wouldn't turn the TV off in someone's house. The kids weren't even glued to it or anything.

These are just a couple to small examples of this woman's behaviour and I have decided to just keep things civil but to no longer engage as much with her. There are many more examples. Another one was that we went out as a group to a restaurant and she didn't think we should tip the waiters - even though I said we definitely should, as it's just what you do. She repeatedly told me no, the food wasn't good enough to be tipped. It was actually fine and the service was fine too. The food just wasn't phenomenal. In the end I slipped them some money, as I was so embarrassed not to tip anything. We were a large group- 15 plus, but her and I were sorting out the payment.

These are all red flags right ? Or am I just being sensitive here ? I would never behave like this with anyone - from ordering them to wash / change their child- I would have just made the mother aware and left her to decide what to do. To just switching off someone's TV and then demanding not to tip at a restaurant. It's just not cool to me to behave like that.

You clearly don’t like her, so phase her out. I don’t get what the angst is about.

Completely rude. Don't let her in your house again.

Stop, This is my house, my rules

Good response, and say it in a very firm calm voice whilst looking her straight in the eye, don’t loose your temper, just be very firm and stand your ground

Why on earth does this woman feel she is in a position to tell you what to do in your own house or anywhere!

I've had a few situations with people trying to dictate how I should manage a situation with my son.
I've found that "that's ok thanks, I'll do it my way / I don't need help" or variations of it works well. Might have to repeat of couple of times.

Urgh, I really hate people who tell your kids off when you’ve already just told them off/corrected them. As well as being completely interfering, it’s confusing for the kids too as it’s just undermining you😡

But to be honest it sounds like she’s going to be the continually interfering sort if you don’t know her that well and she’s already telling your children when to get changed, wash their hands etc in your own home! I’d quietly try to let the “friendship” drop, or at least only meet her in public places where the interference will be a bit less annoying.

(YABU about the TV though- yes it would have been polite if she asked first, but many people would find tv on in the background annoying and it’s not great for the kids either unless they are actively watching it).

I would not turn off the tv in someone else's home, but I would think they were rude to leave it on.
Telling the host's children to do anything is rude tho

I got stuck in a similar friendship. I would do the school run and literally a minute of me getting home she would ring. She was very dominerring and abrupt.

I would start to distance yourself, be busy if she asks to arrange a get together etc. Just do group meertings, meals etc. Friendship should be easy and enjoyable

I can well imagine you are furious with yourself allowing this abrasive woman order you around your own home.

Not normal at all.
As for the tip? Unbelievable.
Stop trying to be pleasant.
Accept that you will have to offend her so just do it.

Take days to reply to any texts with one word.
NEVER have her near your house again.
Your child will have to get over it.
Keep saying I'm busy.
If she confronts you with it and asks why just say we are not compatible and I don't want to socialise with you.
Or a variation of that.

She will only take your submissiveness as a green light.
Time to back away firmly.

Listen to your gut next time.
She sounds batshit and rude as hell.

@BrightonFrock the reason I’d turn it off is that I’d genuinely struggle to cope wrangling the noise and general chaos of small children as well as a TV being on. So for the sake of the play date itself I would do it, otherwise I’d get super stressed out, irritable and snappy and/or have to leave basically, which is a bit shit both for the kids and the person who invited us over.

Like I said, I would generally ask first, especially as I do realise some of this is a me problem (I’m particularly noise and light sensitive and I know this would bother me more than the average person).

However if I realised I was in the home of a person who is so uncaring about their guest’s comfort that they’d likely say no despite my discomfort, and despite them literally not even being in the room to notice it “because meeee” as you put it (but on their part), then I’d turn it off anyway (and I would never go back to their house and disengage with any further social contact with this person).

I really do think it’s extremely rude to have the TV on if you’re having guests round. Especially if nobody is actually watching it. As other people have said on this thread so it’s not just me.

Is she a friend or a romantic partner?

Can't believe the people saying turning the TV off in your home is ok 😮.
My MIL used to do this when she was staying with us. If I left the room for 2 minutes she would turn it off and when I walked back in and asked why it was off she would say there was nothing on that they liked

Also a good way of dealing with it, I think the key is to say it in a very firm voice

She's weird. I'd probably laugh at her and say the child could change later. And have said something like "You're not at home now" over the tv. How she reacted would then be a guide to whether I wanted to continue the friendship or not.

But those are your own feelings on the matter - which you presumably have a large say in dictating in your own home.

Surely you understand that not everybody is or thinks the same way as you - and that doesn't make them automatically 'wrong'?

This is reminding me of the many threads we've had on here where people who call it breakfast/dinner/tea, instead of breakfast/lunch/dinner; or refer to it as a roll/cob/bap/barm/bun/stottie/etc. are in urgent need of being educated as to what is 'actually correct' - and cause absolute horror and huge confusion to those who already 'know' the 'correct' terms and just assumed that only a brute could possibly get it 'wrong'!

That reminds me of the recent thread where somebody mentioned a nasty, controlling older relative (FIL or grandad?) who visited OP's home, where the little ones were enjoying CBeebies, and turned it over to the sport, declaring it as 'rubbish', before making himself comfortable.

Also, some selfish people are very good at insisting "Well, nobody was watching it" when you've literally left the room for a minute or two to go to the toilet or grab a drink - as though a TV were a nuclear bomb that could explode the second you take your eyes off it.

I'd also be tempted to say in a loud and protracted Father Noel Furlong voice "Oooooooooooh, who's being a bossy Betty/Brian today, then?!"

If the kids weren’t watching it, why does it matter if she turned it off?

I'd probably try to divert her attention by asking the boys if they wanted a gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt.

I'd have turned off the tv too. Why is it on if no one is watching it?
Aside from that she sounds overbearing. I don't think she means to be rude, she's doing what she thinks is right but you'd need a strong personality to keep her in place and not everyone has the energy for that.

However if I realised I was in the home of a person who is so uncaring about their guest’s comfort that they’d likely say no despite my discomfort, and despite them literally not even being in the room to notice it “because meeee” as you put it (but on their part), then I’d turn it off anyway (and I would never go back to their house and disengage with any further social contact with this person).

This would be your cue to leave, not to take matters into your own hands in someone else’s home.

You've met someone with different values and habits to you, who is naturally assertive. That's about it really. You'll either find common ground you can enjoy, or not.

She clearly assumes that other people share her values and habits and acts accordingly. So, in a less pushy way, do you. Either you can negotiate your way around this, or you can't.

I wouldn't like having my dc bossed around by a near stranger. But she thinks she's being helpful because she assumes you share her values and habits.

I'd have been more assertive about tipping - it's not for the food it's for the service. I always recognise helpful service and will be tipping. It's others' choice if they do too.

I'd have turned off the tv too. Why is it on if no one is watching it?

Not your TV, not your house, not your business!

You are simply jot compatible. Keep it civil but moved on and don't arrange any more get together. Xx

I can barely use the various remotes we have in our own home these days. In someone else’s house, I would probably end up accidentally causing havoc with the smart lighting or heating if I even picked up a TV remote.

No, it’s not the same thing at all as it’s not really about expressing a preference.

As the poster pointed out quite clearly, having the TV screen on but not watching it can cause sensory issues for some of us. I also can’t cope with certain types of lighting and have to leave a room if the light is bothering me.

I’ve also had to leave a restaurant before ordering food once as its lighting was causing me discomfort and I was worried it would bring on a migraine. Others wouldn’t be affected in the slightest but it’s not a matter of being right or wrong, it’s that for some of us, our brains are wired differently. Certain smells can affect us too, in particular, vanilla based perfumes with me. 🤷🏻‍♀️