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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

391 replies

fjordsnights · 18/01/2025 11:02

Hi all,

Was hoping for some advice/insight. In recent times, things haven't been going well. My partner died - albeit not so recently - but almost two years ago. It's been a nightmare though in terms of settling the estate - not due to anyone contesting the will or anything, but rather in terms of admin as we are dual citizens/tax etc... so the grief as well as the admin still feels very raw.

In terms of my career, things have been going well, so there's that. No, I'm not on LinkedIn or FB or Instagram. I don't post career 'wins' on the internet or apps or anything like that. However, my new role has meant a lot of travel to the US. (I am a dual citizen of the UK/US).

My friend initially thought the travel was due to my partner's estate/admin related - and she wasn't wrong. However, in the past 5 months, it's been due to work too given my new role. She then took this to mean I was a 'high flyer'. I am not. Far far far from it.

Anyway, she's looking to get married/have kids. This is great for her and I hope she finds that. She recently said she doesn't think it's going to happen for her and she's worried she's not going to find someone in good time (she's single at the moment). She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing - and potentially IVF treatment (down the line). I didn't know what to say as I was so taken aback. She asked me over FaceTime as I was abroad.

I suspect it's because she feels like I've received money as a result of my partner's passing and/or because of my new role at work. I was abroad when she asked me - but I am now back in the UK. I told her I'd be back yesterday.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

AIBU to think it's not right to ask for money from a friend when you have savings? Also, does her message imply she'd ask again when undergoing IVF?

These past few months have been really bizarre in general - after a period of so much grief and loss. I don't know what to do/think about most things these days.

OP posts:
Quiinkong · 18/01/2025 16:41

Wtbf! I honestly feel gobsmacked by this. I can't believe she outright just asked you for the money....actually, doesn't sound like she was asking, sounded more than a fact of what WILL be happening. I would be calling her and telling her that even if she didn't have savings, you would expect her to take a bank loan and you don't have that type of money to just give away. The audacity. I wouldn't expect my siblings to feel so entitled even though i would give it to them in a heartbeat but at least they would ask it as a question and not a statement while talking like it's a done deal.

fingerbobz · 18/01/2025 16:41

She's a cheeky fucker

Just say no

Tubetrain · 18/01/2025 16:42
  1. just say no
  2. how old is she? take home baby rates from egg freezing are pretty low, particularly if over 35
Bigcat25 · 18/01/2025 16:43

*lost income, sorry.

BettyBardMacDonald · 18/01/2025 16:48

My jaw seldom drops but this person is appalling. You need to nip this in the bud.

Thedogscollar · 18/01/2025 16:50

@fjordsnights
A true friend wouldn't put this on you.
You are under no obligation to fund her egg feezing /IVF when infact she doesn't even know if she will require to go down this route.
She's looking at how you are travelling internationally with your job and in her head sees you as her cash cow.
Given that you have only recently lost your partner I'd say she is most definitely a friend you can afford to lose. She's one of life's takers.

OVienna · 18/01/2025 16:53

Vaxtable · 18/01/2025 11:10

Next time you see her just say I am not sure if you were joking about your IVF comment but I have to make it clear I have no funds towards it

Then change the subject. If she continues just say I didn’t get anything from the estate and my work pay for my trips to the states I have no spare money

This

Beeloux · 18/01/2025 16:53

The bare face cheek of some people never fails to amaze me. I would tell her flat out no and distance myself.
Imagine if she does get pregnant. She’ll be asking you to fund the baby items!

BettyBardMacDonald · 18/01/2025 16:56

Beeloux · 18/01/2025 16:53

The bare face cheek of some people never fails to amaze me. I would tell her flat out no and distance myself.
Imagine if she does get pregnant. She’ll be asking you to fund the baby items!

And be her babysitter!!

Original poster
fjordsnights · 18/01/2025 17:08

Hi all. Thank you for the (many many) responses! I did write back and she understood that I would be responding upon arriving back to the UK anyway.

For those that asked, she's 36/single. So whilst I understand that she wants to meet someone, have a relationship/foundation - then get married and have kids... realistically that would be a few years off.

She responded that there was no pressure and it was only if I wanted to 'sponsor' her having a child and the actual child itself (should it ever happen).

This wasn't in keeping with what was said prior at all, but I suspect she perhaps thought about it/slept on it.

I think it was more that she thought I had money to burn - when I don't! She acknowledged she doesn't have the money to raise a child herself (should she not meet someone) and I guess was figuring out her options.

OP posts:
Trainors · 18/01/2025 17:09

‘I’m facing the future alone without a partner to share the financial or emotional burden with. Surely you have people better placed than me to ask? I’m not sure why you thought it was applying the first place to be honest.’

RedToothBrush · 18/01/2025 17:12

fjordsnights · 18/01/2025 17:08

Hi all. Thank you for the (many many) responses! I did write back and she understood that I would be responding upon arriving back to the UK anyway.

For those that asked, she's 36/single. So whilst I understand that she wants to meet someone, have a relationship/foundation - then get married and have kids... realistically that would be a few years off.

She responded that there was no pressure and it was only if I wanted to 'sponsor' her having a child and the actual child itself (should it ever happen).

This wasn't in keeping with what was said prior at all, but I suspect she perhaps thought about it/slept on it.

I think it was more that she thought I had money to burn - when I don't! She acknowledged she doesn't have the money to raise a child herself (should she not meet someone) and I guess was figuring out her options.

If she can't afford child then she doesn't have one. It's not like some WWF animal that you sponsor.

Bigcat25 · 18/01/2025 17:18

This is fucking wild. So sorry for your loss op.

user1471538283 · 18/01/2025 17:21

What? No!

Whether or not you had the money she doesn't get to spend it for you! If she wants a baby she pays.

Sponsor my arse. Support is what she means. No.

OVienna · 18/01/2025 17:25

Asking you for the IVF AND contribute to its upbringing? WTAF.

Eldermillenialyogi · 18/01/2025 17:28

It's odd that she'd even ask whether she has savings or not. If she brings it up again just shut it down.

1clavdivs · 18/01/2025 17:31

I am also a widow and I do relate to the experience of people assuming you have had a windfall and suddenly wanting to claim something. It's unbelievably crass and doesn't give any thought to the fact that you are likely to need everything you have to secure your future. Death brings out the worst in some people.

BettyBardMacDonald · 18/01/2025 17:34

Sponsor?!?

Just when one thinks one has heard it all!

Inkyblue123 · 18/01/2025 17:37

CF. Don’t be shy in saying no, sorry I can’t financially contribute. It’s none of her business what money you do or don’t have. She’s certainly not shy of asking. I’m f she can’t afford IVF how is she Goni g to raise a kid. Some peoples sense of entitlement is baffling

dysonwithdeath · 18/01/2025 17:43

If you "sponsor" her child will it have your logo on it or something?

outerspacepotato · 18/01/2025 17:43

"it was only if I wanted to 'sponsor' her having a child and the actual child itself "

She wants you to give her IVF money and pay child support if she has a kid.

This is not a friend. A friend would be asking what do you need at this time not asking you for a large sum of money and to pay child support. That she's hitting you up for money when you're grieving and settling an estate and have so much weighing on you, she's being financially predatory. Sorry, she's one of the vultures.

I would respond no, you are not able to give her money at this or any other time. You know what she is now and that she's taken advantage of your lowest life moments to try to get money from you. You might want to just block her after this money grab.

guiltyblameless · 18/01/2025 17:46

Someone trying to capitalise on my partner's death would light a f*ing fire in me. Like you aren't going to need that money for therapy for this tragedy?

AND SHE HAD THE MONEY THE WHOLE TIME!!!! Having a child is not a human right that she's entitled to. Block her!!!

Mrsbloggz · 18/01/2025 17:47

@fjordsnights
I guess was figuring out her options
figuring out how much of a soft touch you are more like

guiltyblameless · 18/01/2025 17:48

>1 per cent voted unreasonable
Which one of you was this.

Ecclesfreckles · 18/01/2025 17:48

If her options include finding 'sponsorship' for her baby, I can see how she'll be choosing a relationship. Someone with the audacity to think anyone should sponsor her pregnancy and child only sees peoples in terms of net worth. You'll always need to watch what info you share with her, in case she uses it to get money out of you in future. Not much of a friendship.