Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

[fjordsnights]

Hi all,

Was hoping for some advice/insight. In recent times, things haven't been going well. My partner died - albeit not so recently - but almost two years ago. It's been a nightmare though in terms of settling the estate - not due to anyone contesting the will or anything, but rather in terms of admin as we are dual citizens/tax etc... so the grief as well as the admin still feels very raw.

In terms of my career, things have been going well, so there's that. No, I'm not on LinkedIn or FB or Instagram. I don't post career 'wins' on the internet or apps or anything like that. However, my new role has meant a lot of travel to the US. (I am a dual citizen of the UK/US).

My friend initially thought the travel was due to my partner's estate/admin related - and she wasn't wrong. However, in the past 5 months, it's been due to work too given my new role. She then took this to mean I was a 'high flyer'. I am not. Far far far from it.

Anyway, she's looking to get married/have kids. This is great for her and I hope she finds that. She recently said she doesn't think it's going to happen for her and she's worried she's not going to find someone in good time (she's single at the moment). She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing - and potentially IVF treatment (down the line). I didn't know what to say as I was so taken aback. She asked me over FaceTime as I was abroad.

I suspect it's because she feels like I've received money as a result of my partner's passing and/or because of my new role at work. I was abroad when she asked me - but I am now back in the UK. I told her I'd be back yesterday.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

AIBU to think it's not right to ask for money from a friend when you have savings? Also, does her message imply she'd ask again when undergoing IVF?

These past few months have been really bizarre in general - after a period of so much grief and loss. I don't know what to do/think about most things these days.

Wtf??? Has your friend lost the touch with reality? Fundraiser for her to have a child?? And then she will have to ask for further handouts to raise the poor child. What have I read.

she is evil

This is a very very strange ask. I don’t understand why you would ask - especially if she doesn’t have a partner yet and she is almost waiting for this person to come into her life. Her situation could change - and also - it’s grim , but there are free ways to have a baby if you are very very very very desperate (I wouldn’t recommend but I have heard of a few people that have had babies from one night stands).

Tell her that you don’t have the money

So sorry OP for your huge loss.

Bloody hell at the sheer cheeky fxxkery of your friend.
I would get massive permanent ick for a friend so entitled.
Be very very wary of someone who would ask this.
Protect yourself.

Don’t do it !
your ‘friendship’ will end once she had fleeced you

I would not give even a single thought saying No to this person

I mean, this. What planet is she actually on? Ridiculous.

To sponsor her and the resulting child ?

Her audacity grows. I’ve never heard anything so outrageous.
What have you ever discussed or said to make her presume you might be open to doing such a thing as paying for egg freezing, paying for IVF and financially supporting her and her child.?
OP you sound as if you might be minimising/excusing her cheekiness.
I really hope not.
Take good care to keep your finances safe and secure. She doesn’t sound like a proper friend, to me.

I really really would be saying Goodbye to her now.

Her proposal that you "sponsor" her IVF then go on to finance her child's life is beyond all understanding. Seriously Fucked Up Thinking and massive sense of Entitlement.

She doesn't care about you at all. You are $$$$$$$$

She's shown her true self. I wouldn't want anything further to do with such a person.

This. It will not end well. The rule of thumb on MN with these situations is that you will get the odd instalment then payments will stop and you will never see the money again, then the friendship will fade away and you will be the bad guy for asking her to pay you back when you knew she was desperate for a child and can’t afford to repay you now that she has to find private school fees for Tabitha and Hugo. Or something very similar.

Bloody Norah..!

She wants you to sponsor the child ???
As in..pay towards it's upbringing. Jesus...iv heard it all now..
And what happens if you have children OP..? Or your income changes..all sorts of things wrong with this.
I can imagine her nagging you for money for new shoes for the kid..etc.
It's one of the weirdest things I've ever heard.And your crazy if you agree to it

What does sponsor a child mean?

Will you get an annual newsletter and photo?

Loads of single people cant afford to have a child and unfortunately we need a man to get pregnant

This is why most of us couple up

If she needs some one to sponsor her into parenthood she should not be a parent.

So it’s not even a loan, but she wants you to give her the money!

She responded that there was no pressure and it was only if I wanted to 'sponsor' her having a child and the actual child itself (should it ever happen).

What? Christ, wish I had thought of getting sponsors to pay for me to bring up my kids 🤣

She is the ultimate piss taker @fjordsnights, to be honest, I'd do yourself a favour and cut her loose.

Utterly bizarre.

I wonder if the prominence of GoFundMe and the holidays and adventures disguised as charity work has raised expectations in some that all you have to do is put your hand out.

As for the sponsorship. Jesus.

OTOH, and I've not read Private Eye in years, there used to be ads at the back where people just asked for money. This was in the 70s and onwards, so nothing new under the sun.

You’ll never see that money again if you lend it to her 🤷‍♀️

Is she suggesting you become a second parent financially? Cheeky fuckery at it's worse imo.

She is asking you to be her baby's father but without the obvious biological input.

Exactly. My mum and dad worked hard for that money and he wanted her to be left able to cope. He died suddenly in his late 50s and my siblings and I renounced any inheritance so she didn’t have to worry. But extended family and friends seem to think that she is the person to sponsor their plans and pet charity projects.

Sponsor a child?! Wth goes through people's brains

Blimey, how rich does she think you are that you are able to pay for other people to have children, and to bring them up?!?

Does she think because you don't have children (you haven't mentioned any) that you are so desperate to be close to a child that you would be keen to buy your way in?

I'm trying to think of any circumstance where this isn't an incredibly bonkers thing to suggest, only you know if she's bonkers or incredibly entitled.

Only you know how close you are and if your friendship transcends this bonkers suggestion and how serious your friend was.

Of you "sponsor" freezing eggs then she will see you as having an obligation to then fund IVF. Then you will be expected to bring up baby, provide childcare, holidays and gifts.

She will never stop asking.
And she will resent you for it

At least you will be able to prove you are not the biological father.

It sounds as if this woman doesn't want the hassle of having to deal with a relationship with a man (quite understandable).
She also doesn't want the financial burden of being solely responsible for a child (quite understandable)
Rather than acknowledge that she cannot have her cake and eat it she's trying to get OP on the hook to be responsible financially for her child.