Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

[fjordsnights]

Hi all,

Was hoping for some advice/insight. In recent times, things haven't been going well. My partner died - albeit not so recently - but almost two years ago. It's been a nightmare though in terms of settling the estate - not due to anyone contesting the will or anything, but rather in terms of admin as we are dual citizens/tax etc... so the grief as well as the admin still feels very raw.

In terms of my career, things have been going well, so there's that. No, I'm not on LinkedIn or FB or Instagram. I don't post career 'wins' on the internet or apps or anything like that. However, my new role has meant a lot of travel to the US. (I am a dual citizen of the UK/US).

My friend initially thought the travel was due to my partner's estate/admin related - and she wasn't wrong. However, in the past 5 months, it's been due to work too given my new role. She then took this to mean I was a 'high flyer'. I am not. Far far far from it.

Anyway, she's looking to get married/have kids. This is great for her and I hope she finds that. She recently said she doesn't think it's going to happen for her and she's worried she's not going to find someone in good time (she's single at the moment). She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing - and potentially IVF treatment (down the line). I didn't know what to say as I was so taken aback. She asked me over FaceTime as I was abroad.

I suspect it's because she feels like I've received money as a result of my partner's passing and/or because of my new role at work. I was abroad when she asked me - but I am now back in the UK. I told her I'd be back yesterday.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

AIBU to think it's not right to ask for money from a friend when you have savings? Also, does her message imply she'd ask again when undergoing IVF?

These past few months have been really bizarre in general - after a period of so much grief and loss. I don't know what to do/think about most things these days.

After this, I'd be distancing myself from this woman permanently.

Doesn't matter what the loan is for, it's yours.

No is a complete sentence and you don't elaborate.

Wow she isn't a friend she is preying on you when she knows you are grieving. Isgusting behaviour from a so called friend.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I agree with others who have said nip this in the bud.

I can't help thinking that now that you are widowed as such she's thinking you won't be having a family so won't need the money yourself.

Sorry for your loss.

I would be so confused about your friend's messages too, in your shoes. I think tell her straight that you won't be able to give her or lend her any money just so she does not raise it again. You could say you are still grieving and not wealthy to the point of wanting to give away money just to make sure she keeps at arm's length, but she really should not have to be told this, I don't think

I'm really sorry to hear about your partner.
Your friend is way out of line asking you for money, especially for egg freezing etc etc.
She certainly thinks you've had a windfall with your partner's death. That's the main reason why she's asking you.

No!

You can't ask a friend to fund what is essentially a lifestyle choice

It's sad if you can't have children that you really want but it's not for someone else to pay for. They're not a right.

What? No. What an insensitive request. Hope you are healing well after your loss.

IVF is free for single women on nhs up to two attempts (though postcode lottery)

Dear Dickhead.

I am not a cashmachine, regardless of how good your manipulative sob story is.

Good bye.

Forever.

Yes, it is very odd and not appropriate. Does she feel she could ask you to buy her a car? Just say no and move on.

You need to be clear that you won't be giving or lending her money either now or in the future. Don't leave her in any doubt

I don't care so much that she has savings or not, or how much she may imagine you have in your own savings. It's still a weird thing to ask of someone, and I wouldn't.

Yes, I do think she's implying that she might come back to you for money for IVF, when the time comes, so I'd either nip it in the bud now or come up with my response for the future. Personally, I'd rather not be worrying she's going to spring it on me at any moment, and I think it would be better for her, too, to know not to count on me for funding. However, on the other hand, it may never come up again, if she can afford it on her own, and then you'd be spared the awkward conversation and her feelings of resentment.

In the end, I think it's too much to ask of a friend, and she's wrong to put you in this spot.

Money does weird things in relationships with friends sometimes. I have a close family member who sold his business, in order to retire, last year. He got a few million £ for it and will certainly have a comfortable retirement - but no luxury yachts or helicopters, he has DC, one with SN who now can be adequately provided for when he and his DW have died.

He told me recently that I would be amazed how many "old friends" suddenly contacted him, out of the blue, with ways in which he could spend / invest that money through them. Cfs abound sadly.

What the bloody hell was she thinking!!!!

I would tell her you think she has wildly misunderstood your financial situation , that you are not in a position to support expensive treatment for her, and to be honest, given the devastating events of your own life you need to think about your own future.

Be clear and pro active in telling her this now, don’t give yourself the ongoing worry that she will come back for IVF ££, and the subsequent squirming.

You can tell her this calmly without hostility or aggro.

I am sorry she has put you in this position.

Widows get taken advantage of. My mum lost my dad many years ago. People seem to think that any money she inherited is up for grabs - like it isn’t really her money. She needs to save her money as she is retired, but people still think that she’s an ‘easy touch’ and she somehow owes money to them. It’s crazy.

Sorry about your partner.

I think it may be wise, sooner rather than later, that you've not come into vast sums of money following your partner's death.

That you've not had huge insurance payouts, pensions etc. (If you have then downplay them.)

My sister lost her partner recently and was given a payout - it was his pension which she needs to invest for her life post retirement.

Make it known that most of your travel is work related - ie they paid.

Some people react strangely around death. It can bring out the best in some, the worst in some and strangeness in a few.

She's being very selfish and entitled. Just tell her you won't be able to pay for anything for her but wish her the best of luck .

"I am really sorry that you asked this question. There is no good time to ask a friend, who is still deeply mourning the loss of her partner and who is still going through the painful process of trying to tie up the admin for his estate in 2 different countries, for sizeable amounts of money. I've no idea why you imagine I'm going to be so well off that I can afford to throw thousands in your direction. I wish you lots of luck with the egg harvesting and IVF treatment but you need to know that I will not be in a position to fund any of it."

When my MIL was suddenly widowed in her 40s she got a payout from FIL's work (he'd died in a work accident). Although she had two young children to support, her shitty family were straight round asking for handouts for new cars and this and that. Made me look at them very differently when DH told me about that. MIL was a soft touch but luckily had the strength to say no, for once.

A lot of the suggested responses on here would just end the friendship. Fair enough if that's what you want.

However if you do want to keep the friendship I'd suggest just dropping her a message to say you were a bit surprised that she asked you to cover the cost of egg freezing when it turns out she actually has savings of her own she could use. Then just say you hope she hasn't got the impression that you suddenly have a lot of spare money because you haven't. The money your partner left you is tied up in pensions and covering the shortfall in your income now you are living alone. You could add that you value her friendship and hope things will work out for her.

Me - I'd drop her like a stone. I'm sorry for your loss

It is crazy. And the money is to replace the deceased list income, it's not a windfall.

You could say to her that you're glad she will be using her savings because you were struggling to find a nice way to tell her you won't be giving her any money.

Just testing to her and say

"
Good luck, I'm sorry I can't help "

I like this. Simple, to the point.