Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

[fjordsnights]

Hi all,

Was hoping for some advice/insight. In recent times, things haven't been going well. My partner died - albeit not so recently - but almost two years ago. It's been a nightmare though in terms of settling the estate - not due to anyone contesting the will or anything, but rather in terms of admin as we are dual citizens/tax etc... so the grief as well as the admin still feels very raw.

In terms of my career, things have been going well, so there's that. No, I'm not on LinkedIn or FB or Instagram. I don't post career 'wins' on the internet or apps or anything like that. However, my new role has meant a lot of travel to the US. (I am a dual citizen of the UK/US).

My friend initially thought the travel was due to my partner's estate/admin related - and she wasn't wrong. However, in the past 5 months, it's been due to work too given my new role. She then took this to mean I was a 'high flyer'. I am not. Far far far from it.

Anyway, she's looking to get married/have kids. This is great for her and I hope she finds that. She recently said she doesn't think it's going to happen for her and she's worried she's not going to find someone in good time (she's single at the moment). She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing - and potentially IVF treatment (down the line). I didn't know what to say as I was so taken aback. She asked me over FaceTime as I was abroad.

I suspect it's because she feels like I've received money as a result of my partner's passing and/or because of my new role at work. I was abroad when she asked me - but I am now back in the UK. I told her I'd be back yesterday.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

AIBU to think it's not right to ask for money from a friend when you have savings? Also, does her message imply she'd ask again when undergoing IVF?

These past few months have been really bizarre in general - after a period of so much grief and loss. I don't know what to do/think about most things these days.

NO WAY … Tell her the Interest on her loan from you would be more than a Bank would want.

Really poor behaviour from her.

Even if you were a millionaire, this is not a reasonable ask.

Id be wary of her and distancing myself. Obviously say no. I’d just say “no, but good luck with it” and leave it at that.

"She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see." "

I wouldn't leave this hanging over my head. If you don't respond to this ASAP, further down the road she'll be wailing at you that you 'led' her to believe you were going to finance her IVF and she planned around that. I mean - what the actual fuck?

I'd suggest you shut it down completely.

'I'm not worried about it, and do not have to wait and see. You seem to believe I have agreed to fund your plans, I absolutely have not. You stunned me with your request, and I don't know where you got the idea from that I could or would do this.'

I'm sorry for your loss. ((hug))

Jesus wept 😯😳
She's not a friend she's a Predator!!
Don't give her a penny, she'll spend it on some luxuries for herself and then come back with hands held out for you to pay for her fertility treatment.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Absolutely do not give her money for this. I can’t believe she’s even asked you! It’s her own job to fund this and not your responsibility. She sounds grasping and entitled.

How old is she? Egg freezing often doesn’t work, egg retrieval can be risky and it’s all a stitch up by fertility clinics to get money out of women.

I’d take a step away from the friendship if she asks again.

A real friend wouldn't do this. Don't give her a penny

Having to go through IVF is a horrible thing and I imagine choosing to do it alone because you haven't met someone is even harder. So I feel for her in that respect.

HOWEVER this is a very very cheeky request, especially if she then said she could take the money out of her own savings! The mind boggles.

I think I would have to send her a message when I felt calmer saying I think she'd got the wrong end of the stick about how much money I was earning/got from my partner's death, don't have money to be lending out.

Not sure what your situation is, but if DH died the money I'd get from his life insurance would go toward paying off our mortgage and life costs for me/DC because we would no longer have his income coming in. And I imagine many women aren't able to work so much if they're solely responsible for the children.

It totally sounds like she’s expecting you to fund this in the future, totally cheeky.

I’d send “I may not have been as clear as I could have been when you first mentioned needing money for having a child. I’m not in a position to help you financially and thought it best to clarify this, so you can continue your plans without including my money in your calculations”.

She's not a friend, she's a greedy, heartless bitch and she needs setting straight now.

"Hi X, I was a bit taken back when you mentioned this over facetime and honestly didn't think you were being serious. But just to be clear, I will not be funding any treatments or procedures, now or in the future. I can't believe you'd even ask me that."

I really can’t think of any circumstances where it’s acceptable to ask friends for money.

Even if you were willed millions it was very inappropriate to ask. Even worse the follow up "let's wait and see".

Like many others, I like this response. It's to the point and will get her off your back unless she's so thick-skinned the rhino enclosure at the zoo should expect another occupant - which I wouldn't be surprised at, btw. How did she come up with such a toxic combination of cold-bloodedness and stupidity? She doesn't deserve you as a friend and I'd make it absolutely clear that any more from her on this subject, or your money in general, and you're done. Many condolences on your loss OP.

Oh c'mon, you're being much too kind to this 'friend', wouldn't you want to have a little fun? Pretend that you're going to give her the money and then change your mind at the last minute. See if you can make her beg for it and still not give it to her.

You sound insane. That's not how normal people behave.

I ask her if what she means is she wants you to pay out of YOIR savings rather than her use money from HER savings?
Then laugh.

I think it's weird that late trend of asking for money for IVF, I have an close acquaintance lately asking our social group for money for same thing, she's in her early 40's and husband in his early 60's... I may understand that 'motherhood urge' popping later in life after sowing your wild oats or building a professional career etc... but I don't think this is healthy for her or a future child so I'm not funding it. In my case I'm saving for a mortgage so I can put a permanent roof over my head (which is more important) so I might ask my middle class friends to help me fund said mortgage because why not?

Cheeky bugger.

Say no now. Nip the 'future possibility of IVF' convo in the bud now:

This isn't normal and I would not consider loaning money that I could not afford to never see again, basically. I've considered it one two occasions when friends were going through hardships, but thankfully they were able to secure their own loans or their family came through. I say thankfully because even though these people are very close to me and I consider them to be family (I do not have much family and they are all the sort who have us over for all holidays/ travel together etc and I know this feeling isn't one-way) loaning money to ANYONE, family or not, is such a pain and often goes really wrong. If the person can't repay or decides to spend the money elsewhere, all of a sudden they slowly disappear. OR they start asking for more!

I digress. I empathise btw, dual US/UK citizen here as well and I'm not looking forward to that particular phase of having to settle estates.

I would re-evaluate your friendship. I think you are being kind suggesting that she thinks you have money due to a career change: I think that she thinks you have money from your DH estate which is morally bereft.

I am so sorry for your loss and the added stress from the complex and protracted probate. I hope that you have support outside of this individual x

I can't believe that she asked you to ' give' her money when she already has savings.
What a cheeky fucker..
OP you need to squash this good and proper before you find yourself being talked at to transfer cash

The only vaguely positive spin I can put on it is she wants you to be close and involved. But mostly it's extremely grabby and tacky.

If up to now she has been a good friend I would message her something like "Dear friend, I wish you every success with this, but please don't ask me for money again. Look forward to seeing you on Saturday."

You're definitely not obliged to give or lend her money. Have you posted about your situation before? Sounds very sad.

I think it is pretty fucking cheeky to ask for money like that, without any idea whether you are in a position to, or open to, funding such a thing, particularly when they already have savings.

I have had funding for something expensive from a friend - but I didn't ask, they offered (nor did I drop heavy hints, or even light ones) and have told me if there is another situation where I need a similar investment, they are able to consider it (willing but not always financially able), so potentially I would ask them.

It is a VERY rare friendship that can withstand this sort of thing and I would not have taken a friends money had I been able to fund the whole thing myself, or if it hadn't been a time sensitive thing. I have other friends with significantly more money who I would not ask, and if they offered I would decline because the friendship is just not on that sort of footing, they're not 'that' sort of person.

I would make it clear to this friend that she's made assumptions about finances that are incorrect and that you're not in a position to fund anything for anyone, and you're not very happy about being put on the spot like that.

She may respond poorly and disappear on you but if she does its (yet another) reflection on her poor character I think! Or she may realise she's been a massive dick and apologise profusely... stranger things have happened!

What a horrible woman. Does she see it as 'free money' if it came from the death of your partner?

Please take the advice from one of the PPs making it clear she is not to expect money. "Let's just wait and see" Weirdo!

I am very sorry for your loss btw.

I agree. Be clear now that you will not be able give money now or later.

Her message is so entitled. Do you usually pay for meals / tickets when you meet her?

I agree you need to nip this in the bud now.

id be tempted to message her back and say that you want to make it clear that you don’t have the sort of income/savings to help others for ivf. In fact I’d take it a step further and lay it on thick that since your partner died things have been very hard financially and actually you might need help from friends with savings to pay bills!!!