Baby announcement gone wrong

[GAZ0188]

We have just had our 1st scan and told the inlaws last night. To say this was a disaster, was an understatement.

We live in a very small town where childcare places with child minders are few and far between. At 5 weeks approx. I asked a child minder at a baby group (very quietly, explained no one knew) if I could have a space in which she agreed. 2 days later she seen MIL at another group and said how nice it was she was going to be a granny again (fuming was an understatement) anyway, partner shrugged it off, said it was someone else in town with the same name.

My cleaner came in a few weeks ago and found me over the toilet, spewing my load, and my ginger nuts and maternity documents on the table that I hadn't had time to move. Also doesn't take a genius to work this out.

Yesterday we got home, told them we had a present for FILs bday and put a t-shirt on our little boy announcing is. He walked into the livingroom and we got absolutely no reaction whatsoever. All we got was "well we already knew as the chuldminder and cleaner told us" from the MIL, all whilst she was sitting on my sofa, with a face like a smacked a...e... looking like she'd just stopped crying before walking into my house. To say I was fuming, was an understatement. Instead of "how have you been keeping" i got a full on interigation of how both the child minder and cleaner knew and then they proceeded to tell us how sad they were that they weren't the first to know and they thought more of us basically.

I grabbed my son, went to the bathroom and run him a bath and bathed him in there until they left. I could not bare to look at them. When they left, my partner messaged them explaining how they both knew and saying thanks for asking how she was. They've looked but still no reply.

Iv woke up this morning and I am STILL fuming. What is meant to be a happy moment has been taken away by their "poor me" reaction and now I never want to see their faces again for a very long time. Growing up in my family, I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear of this happening with a 2nd child and now this has completely conveyed my fears of this happening again, albeit it won't be by its parents this time..

I have no idea how to navigate from this. I feel like cutting them off for a long time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

Your anger is misplaced. It should be directed at the childminder and cleaner for gossiping about you.

You already knew your MIL knew, but your husband lied about it.
You all sound hard work.

YABU, you decided to tell a non family member before your husband's family. Did you tell your family before the childminder? A phone call to your inlaws would have done it, if you really felt you had to pre-book a place at the childminder so early in advance. I'm sure no childminder expects to be the first to be told baby news. With your cleaner, surely you could have put your documents away before she arrived and closed the toilet door while you were using it if you really didn't want any attention drawn to you. This is your second pregnancy, you should be a bit more put together about these things the second time around.

Jesus, I can't even remember in which order I told people and nobody cared. Your inlaws are batshit attention seeking tossers

All the family behaviour is bizarre and over the top. I would however be sacking a cleaner who behaved like that and wouldn’t be using such a gossipy childminder.

No, a normal person would have been hurt at having been excluded and lied to by a close member of their family. It 's quite a feat in those circumstances to act happy.

Mind, in a normal family, OP would have responded to the CM telling her to say, yes, we are, sorry wasn't going to tell anyone till the 12 week mark but since you already know

And if that didn't happen, after being told twice, MIL would have approached OP or her partner rather than sit on it and get more and more upset as the week rolled on.

First, congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

I'm sorry you've been upset by this. It seems to me an awful lot of things have been blown out of all proportion here. Announcing things with fanfare seems to have fanned the flames here. We simply told the people who needed to know and expected that everyone else would know soon enough. Keeping these expectations proportional, and expecting nothing more than a 'how nice, congratulations' in return, would likely prevent things from escalating in the way they have. I appreciate that ship has sailed and this could seem unhelpful after the event, but it might help you weigh up the plusses and the negatives against each other here.

Your in-laws' reaction was ludicrous: a toddler-tantrum. Wanting to be first to know something, in competition to be first to see the baby, or 'best' grandparent, is the sort of attitude most of us left behind in the playground. YANBU to be irritated by this - but you're hardly into NC or even VLC territory here. It doesn't merit taking seriously. A laugh, a 'don't be silly', and an assertion that we are not children, everyone will get to share in the good news and new arrival, and that no one is in competition here would be enough to shut that noise down with any remotely sensible person. I'm not surprised you were taken aback when it happened, but your reaction when the in-laws were present was a little disproportionate. However, given you merely removed yourself from the situation and didn't cause a row, this is something probably easily moved past.

IMO, you need to heal this breach before it widens, as these things have a habit of doing, and this would benefit no one including your children. I'd behave as though nothing had happened: no apologies or justification from your side and any repetition of the above stance from them dealt with by telling them this is all very silly and there is enough love to spare for everyone. Let the waters settle, give a bit of space all round for people to calm down, and then continue as you did before.

I think you're getting this out of proportion. Yes, your PILs reaction wasn't ideal and they didn't think how your son would feel but the childminder and cleaner are more at fault for gossiping.
It's too much of a projection to say that your child is going to be pushed aside as you were in childhood. There's nothing to suggest that. They were just a bit hurt because they felt they were the last to know.
Their reaction was a bit immature but so was your reaction.
You need to look at your part in this and you and your husband need to apologise (particularly your husband for lying to them about it) and explain the way in which the other people found out and that you hadn't told anyone else.

I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear

It isn’t happening again. They are justifiably annoyed you told a local childminder before them. Then lied. Then did some attention seeking t-shirt and expected a big fuss.

Agreed.

2 days later she seen MIL at another group and said how nice it was she was going to be a granny again (fuming was an understatement) anyway, partner shrugged it off, said it was someone else in town with the same name.
Also this is so much worse. So she would have gone back and told the person she was mistaken and her son confirmed you were not pregnant. So she was lied to and also knows a random woman knew her son lied to her. She will feel humiliated. Your partner was absolutely wrong to lie when asked.

*I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear
You removed the child.

Yesterday we got home, told them we had a present for FILs bday and put a t-shirt on our little boy announcing is. He walked into the livingroom and we got absolutely no reaction whatsoever
Announcements at other people‘s events, engagements at weddings etc, are always selfish and self absorbed. You are angry that on your fil’s birthday he wasnt asking about you.

your partner did actually get him an actual present for him, didnt he?

You’re being very precious.

You all need to grow up.

Why did you wait until after your 12-week scan to tell your PILs? Did you tell any other friends or family before that?

Your cleaner and especially childminder were COMPLETELY unreasonable to mention your pg to your ILs. Massively. I hope you told them this. It would totally put me off using the CM.

"Wanting to be the first to know" about a son and DIL's pregnancy is not the same thing as wanting to know before being told by a childminder and a cleaner, and then being lied to by your son when you asked him about it. (Which is what actually happened.)

I can imagine being hurt too if I was your MIL.

What a hilarious reply 😂😂

You booked a childminder space at 5 weeks pregnant?

Don’t get the fuss. I just phoned my mum and said hey good news I’m pregnant. No fuss - just a how lovely comment etc. please move on from this. It’s not worth getting upset about.

Hmm, was thinking similar.

Dramarama.

Why did there have to be an announcement? When did people stop just telling family things and begin announcing them? So self absorbed.

Also, you/your husband outright lied when the childminder let slip.

Lastly, and I know this makes me look an utter knob, you didn't 'seen' anybody or anything, you saw them/it. Perhaps if people picked up a book once in a while, their brains wouldn't be befuddled by this kind of shit.

Complete drama over nothing . You knew MIL already knew . Who asks about childminder availability before they’ve even had a scan ? You all sound very well suited to each other quite honestly .

Don't sweat the small stuff.

I personally don't happen to think this is worth opening up a family schism over. There is blame on both sides of this situation.

This is probably how my in laws would react too in this situation, because they're a tad self conscious and would feel ridiculous to try and pretend to be surprised

Are you sure it's not something like this?

Op
Of course they were disappointed to hear the news second hand from 2 different people and didn't react the way you expected them to when you got around to telling them. Hiding in thr bathroom for ages makes you sound absolutely nuts though. I think you absolutley need to talk to someone if you over react like this .

So your husband lied that you weren't pregnant then you expected a fanfare from the big announcement? I'm team in-laws.