Baby announcement gone wrong

[GAZ0188]

We have just had our 1st scan and told the inlaws last night. To say this was a disaster, was an understatement.

We live in a very small town where childcare places with child minders are few and far between. At 5 weeks approx. I asked a child minder at a baby group (very quietly, explained no one knew) if I could have a space in which she agreed. 2 days later she seen MIL at another group and said how nice it was she was going to be a granny again (fuming was an understatement) anyway, partner shrugged it off, said it was someone else in town with the same name.

My cleaner came in a few weeks ago and found me over the toilet, spewing my load, and my ginger nuts and maternity documents on the table that I hadn't had time to move. Also doesn't take a genius to work this out.

Yesterday we got home, told them we had a present for FILs bday and put a t-shirt on our little boy announcing is. He walked into the livingroom and we got absolutely no reaction whatsoever. All we got was "well we already knew as the chuldminder and cleaner told us" from the MIL, all whilst she was sitting on my sofa, with a face like a smacked a...e... looking like she'd just stopped crying before walking into my house. To say I was fuming, was an understatement. Instead of "how have you been keeping" i got a full on interigation of how both the child minder and cleaner knew and then they proceeded to tell us how sad they were that they weren't the first to know and they thought more of us basically.

I grabbed my son, went to the bathroom and run him a bath and bathed him in there until they left. I could not bare to look at them. When they left, my partner messaged them explaining how they both knew and saying thanks for asking how she was. They've looked but still no reply.

Iv woke up this morning and I am STILL fuming. What is meant to be a happy moment has been taken away by their "poor me" reaction and now I never want to see their faces again for a very long time. Growing up in my family, I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear of this happening with a 2nd child and now this has completely conveyed my fears of this happening again, albeit it won't be by its parents this time..

I have no idea how to navigate from this. I feel like cutting them off for a long time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

Sorry I disagree! The in-laws were probably humiliated they were lied to several times, can you put yourself in their shoes for a minute? They were made fools off, villages and towns are small places everyone talks, can you imagine walking down the street and meeting someone called Marge and she says congratulations I heard your dil is pregnant however you've already been lied to several times and told no she isn't so you say to Marge no Marge Dil is not pregnant you must have the wrong person to then find out the Dil is actually pregnant?

You say you were 5 weeks pregnant! Given that you start counting from your last period your pregnancy has only been around for about 3 weeks. Very early to start counting on things. Why on earth you needed to tell a childminder. At least you know she is not suitable to look after your children as she can’t be trusted.
You and your ILs both sound bonkers. You wanted this huge wonderful moment when you told them. You are too dramatic.

> What is meant to be a happy moment has been taken away by their "poor me" reaction

Surely the happiness is you're having a wanted and loved child?
They can't take that away from you

I'd be more pissed off at the cleaner and childminder re lack of confidentiality and professionalism!

If I'm honest if my DS and has partner were having a baby and I was told by a cleaner and a childminder I would be really hurt.
You should have told them as soon as the cleaner and child minder knew.
When did you tell your parents?
I might have been tempted to say, oh Yes l already know the cleaner and childminder told me your news, congratulations , we are very excited for you.
I truth it would have been an anti climax for them.
One day your son may do similar to you and then perhaps you will understand.
However I think they could have reacted more politely and supportively and hid their understandable hurt and you could have behaved better and been more understanding of their feelings and why they were upset.
You both need to apologise and move on and tone down the drama

"Why did you wait until after your 12-week scan to tell your PILs? Did you tell any other friends or family before that?"

Nobody apart from my DH and I knew about any of my three pregnancies before the 12 week scan. Oh, and the relevant healthcare staff, obviously. I didn't even tell my own parents till after the first scan. I thought that was normal, and besides, it was my business to decide when to tell anybody, family, friend or whoever. 🤷‍♀️

They didn’t say they "wanted to be the first people to be informed of stuff". They were just justifiably upset at being told about a coming grandchild by two comparative strangers to the OP, and lied to by their son when they queried it. There’s a difference.

Nah

yabu. If you wanted to be the ones to tell your in laws then you should have waited and spoke to them first.

you spoke to a childminder while the bed was still warm.

No. A normal person congratulates a pregnant lady and doesn’t expect it to be about themselves.

How lucky you all are to get to share in the joy of a new pregnancy.

And how depressing to make it about this. You all need to get some perspective.

This thread is hilarious, it’s not often I agree with the mother in law but honestly when it comes to making a big announcement like this you either keep it fully a secret and literally no one knows (whether it’s your fault or not) or you just go ahead and tell people. You don’t fart around with people whispering and muttering about it quietly then get annoyed when your ‘big announcement’ falls flat. I think I’d be a bit put out too if I were your family.

fwiw I got HG with both my pregnancies and because I couldn’t really hide how unwell I was everyone had to know from me being around 5/6 weeks which is absolutely not what I wanted but hey ho. I’d have been really embarrassed to make a ‘big announcement’ at 12 weeks after people had spent ages seeing me sick and knowing…. What’s the point?

Very small town mentality.
Cleaner and child minder should have kept their traps firmly shut.
As someone said, not professional at all, but that's too often the way it is in a small community, everyone wants to be first with any news.

A shame PILs knew first but you are over-reacting, even though you have your own deep-seated insecurities from childhood.
You're now responsible for how your DCs grow up, you don't want to unnecessarily disrupt your family life.
PILs likely know how it is in the small town, apologize to them, with explanation re: cleaner and minder's inability to keep your news to themselves, and please move on for the sake of harmony in your family.

Thank you.
<blushes modestly>
I wouldn't even say it's one of my best.

My compliments on your response too

Really? I followed her logic with no problem at all!! Her PIL were appalling - made the whole thing about them and basically ruined what should have been a happy moment. If mine had done this you bet they wouldn’t be seeing me or DC for a long time.

Bloody hell there's another drama Queen. Ffs. How about spoiling the poor father in laws birthday with the OP's little strop.

Fair enough they are pissed off the cm and cleaner knew before them.

This !
Many people wait until 12 weeks to tell people, and it’s really bad form to gossip about a pregnancy when family may not know yet.

Too bad it's such a small town you live in, I'd sack them both for their indiscretion and gossiping ways.

Yeh, if my daughter was pregnant and I heard it from a random childminder and a cleaner before her, I wouldn't be dancing with joy either. Did you want them to pretend to be surprised?

I’d be furious with your childminder and your cleaner. I didn’t tell anyone for 12 weeks, except for people who needed to know. Them people should NOT be talking family.

@GAZ0188 - "... 2 days later she seen MIL at another group and said how nice it was she was going to be a granny again (fuming was an understatement) anyway, partner shrugged it off, said it was someone else in town with the same name..."

Why on earth did your husband tell such a stupid lie - particularly to his mother!?

Why did he feel it necessary to go to such extreme lengths not to confirm the truth that they had already been told?

It was obvious this would come out and reflect on both of you badly.

Of course it doesn't reflect well on your PiLs that theyve taken it so badly either.

Sounds like both parties are at fault, but your DH could have headed this off at the pass with something like "Yes! It's great news isn't it!" rather than by denying it. where was that going to get you?

What a silly drama over nothing.

You all sound pathetic to be honest.

If it's such a small town that the prospective child minder and the cleaner are on chatting terms with the MiL sacking them may not be an option and the OP and her husband will be the number 1 subject of gossip.

If the OP and her husband were so committed to not letting her PiLs know until the OP had had her "Big Announcement" then the OP should have sworn the CM to secrecy explaing that she particulalry didn't want MiL to know until she'd announced it in her own time and way, and she should have made that equally clear to the cleaner.

I think a lot of people here don't know what it's like living in a small town or village where it seems like evrybody knows everybody else and can't mind their own business. People talk...

I live in a village and think the opposite. If word got out that the cleaner and childminder were gosspining over private things they found out in their jobs, that‘s them damaged not the op.

Sack the cleaner and the childminder, neither should have passed on that information!

You are all being dramatic. Your MIL was hurt, how long has she known unofficially?

You made it 100x worse and no wonder they didn't reply. You took your child (possession by the sound of it) and hid till they left.

You probably just confirmed their worst fears after finding out from multiple other sources first, you can and are withholding their grandchildren according to your whims.

One side sounds narcissistic, and I don't think it's your MIL.