Baby announcement gone wrong

[GAZ0188]

We have just had our 1st scan and told the inlaws last night. To say this was a disaster, was an understatement.

We live in a very small town where childcare places with child minders are few and far between. At 5 weeks approx. I asked a child minder at a baby group (very quietly, explained no one knew) if I could have a space in which she agreed. 2 days later she seen MIL at another group and said how nice it was she was going to be a granny again (fuming was an understatement) anyway, partner shrugged it off, said it was someone else in town with the same name.

My cleaner came in a few weeks ago and found me over the toilet, spewing my load, and my ginger nuts and maternity documents on the table that I hadn't had time to move. Also doesn't take a genius to work this out.

Yesterday we got home, told them we had a present for FILs bday and put a t-shirt on our little boy announcing is. He walked into the livingroom and we got absolutely no reaction whatsoever. All we got was "well we already knew as the chuldminder and cleaner told us" from the MIL, all whilst she was sitting on my sofa, with a face like a smacked a...e... looking like she'd just stopped crying before walking into my house. To say I was fuming, was an understatement. Instead of "how have you been keeping" i got a full on interigation of how both the child minder and cleaner knew and then they proceeded to tell us how sad they were that they weren't the first to know and they thought more of us basically.

I grabbed my son, went to the bathroom and run him a bath and bathed him in there until they left. I could not bare to look at them. When they left, my partner messaged them explaining how they both knew and saying thanks for asking how she was. They've looked but still no reply.

Iv woke up this morning and I am STILL fuming. What is meant to be a happy moment has been taken away by their "poor me" reaction and now I never want to see their faces again for a very long time. Growing up in my family, I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear of this happening with a 2nd child and now this has completely conveyed my fears of this happening again, albeit it won't be by its parents this time..

I have no idea how to navigate from this. I feel like cutting them off for a long time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

Congrats on your pregnancy @GAZ0188.

I guess, in a way, what were your PILs supposed to do if they already knew? What you seem to have expected is that they pretend to be surprised. Which I agree most people would have done to keep the special moment and avoid your big announcement falling flat, especially if your son was excited to tell his grandparents he’s going to have a sibling. Seems v churlish of them to react like that in front of the little lad. They should have played along.

What I’d be more appalled by is the lack of discretion and confidentiality of your cleaner. What else does she gossip to people about from seeing things in your home? I’d be looking for another cleaner. And likewise a childminder should treat in confidence women confiding they’re pregnant to ask for a place. Again, what else does she gossip about her clients and their children?

However (and this is said with kindness), I also think your response was a bit extreme, especially with your son involved. One minute he’s being encouraged to appear in a t-shirt, to break the happy news and celebrate his grandad’s birthday, the next minute he’s being whisked off for a bath and bed. He must have felt confused, awkward and a bit sad. But I expect you’re over-emotional because you’re pregnant. And it must have been a shock to know everyone’s been gossiping about your intimate news.

I wouldn’t let this hiccup affect your relationship with your PILs. If relatives get arsey or behave badly, it’s best to rise above it. It’s their problem to fix. They had no right to be told at any point. It’s your body it’s happening to. But I expect they were a little hurt to find out from a gossip and then have their DC lie to them when they asked if it was true.

But I’d be very careful what I say to the local gossips. And whether I want to pay them to be so intimately involved in my life.

Your PIL are ridiculous and should be just happy for you When they've been told by OP and her partner that their importance in the family circle is considerably less than the childminder?

@badwife23 The husband lied didn't he by saying it was someone else with the same name that was pregnant? That's how I read it anyway.

Yes this. They feel low down in priotity. But i also would be rethinking the childminder and cleaner. They are incredibly unprofessional so what else are they both doing they shouldnt be. Sack them both.

Don't agree with OP but how do you know this is

"all you have to be getting worked up about"..... ???

Yes - and I think the issue was made massively worse by their son lying to them when they asked him about it. He should have come clean there and then.

you all need to get a grip , you are all over reacting and spoiling what should be a pleasant time.
you are doing this to yourselves.

I'd be cross AT mil and fil for their behaviour.

Lots of people tell no one until the end of the 1st trimester for good reason.

Telling a childminder business is a pragmatic decision, not an emotional 'sharing our great news' decision; we did something similar as spaces were otherwise impossible to get, while still not telling anyone. Sadly, the childminder did not act professionally, as asked, and blabbed inappropriately. And the cleaner wasn't told; they guessed and then also blabbed inappropriately.

That's on the two 'professionals' who behaed poorly, not OP and her husband. Who, again, had no obligations to share their happy news until they were ready.

To be treated so poorly when they finally did, by people who are supposed to love them and be excited about their news, is pretty shit.

@MereDintofPandiculation "I think OP and her partner have treated MIL atrociously. Firstly in putting the baby's grandparents well down the list of those to be told (we're not talking a few days, we're talking weeks)"

They only told the childminder. The cleaner found out. It's normal to tell professionals before your own family. I didn't tell my family until 12 weeks but the local GP receptionists knew, the GP, the local pharmacist, the midwife etc. At no point did my mother complain that she was down a list of other people.

I'm in the camp of having words with both the childminder and the cleaner. Imagine having someone in your house who sees something like a bank statement or doctor's letter lying around and then goes and blabs to people? You shouldn't have to put everything away in case someone sees something and takes it on themselves to broadcast it.

I had a work colleague who used to go to a slimming club session with me. She had a quick word with the person running it one day and I overheard just the word 'congratulations' as I went by to get weighed. That's all, nothing else. I had no idea what the conversation was about but just heard that word in passing. I said nothing. If she'd wanted me to know she would have told me. Did I blab? No. It's not my news. No one in our office was told about my suspicions and, when she told me, I acted as surprised as everyone else. To the point that she said she was relieved as she was mortified when the instructor said 'congratulations' in a loud voice and had thought I may have heard...

If you are asked to keep your mouth shut because you've either had to be told (childminder) or had put two and two together (cleaner) then you should do that. If you come across something that makes you suspicious that there is some happy news on the way, you keep you mouth shut. Anything else is disrespectful and I'm not sure I could trust these two to not gossip about me in future to be honest.

EdithBond

However (and this is said with kindness), I also think your response was a bit extreme, especially with your son involved. One minute he’s being encouraged to appear in a t-shirt, to break the happy news and celebrate his grandad’s birthday, the next minute he’s being whisked off for a bath and bed. He must have felt confused, awkward and a bit sad.

Very much this.
He's been relegated to being a prop in OP's story board.
Then shut in the bathroom (presumably not stuck in the bath for ages?) until his grandparents left.

Their reaction would have pissed me off too op. They made it about them and their feelings. As did OP. MIL had the embarrassment of being told by a childminder that she had a new grandchild on the way - she'd have to be quick witted not to have given away that she didn't knew - then she was lied to by the partner, but then a cleaner confirmed the pregnancy (and revealed that the partner had lied to her). The weeks rolled on by and still no announcement. Finally, a staged announcement on FILs birthday, and they are expected to act surprised and delighted, and to hide away their deep hurt? And they are the unreasonable ones?

You need to sack your cleaner.

Nobody comes out of this well, frankly.

It's miscommunication between you
Seriously you need to calm down
You're about to be a family of 4. That's great, and if you look at the bigger picture. That's what matters.

How does this lead to you thinking a child will be rejected? I'm struggling to understand how them being disappointed that they didn't know before others means they will reject a child.
They overreacted but so have you. Being so angry and wanting to cut contact because the announcement didn't go how you expected it is very extreme.
You've been triggered and you need to work on your own trauma and build more resilience.

The lack of maturity and self-awareness in this post is staggering…who contacts a childminder when 5 weeks pregnant?! As if a childminder would turn away work in the next 12 months because you’re 5 weeks pregnant. That alone is bonkers.

You seem to not like your in-laws and are using this fiasco (which you and your husband created by lying to them when they point blank asked you about the baby) to distance yourself from them. It’s manipulative and so sad for your kids. Grow up, apologise to the in-laws and focus on what matters, having a happy and calm pregnancy.

You decided to make FIL's birthday all about you and think your MIL is the narcissist?

I don’t think you’re in the wrong, OP.
It was a selfish and rude way to behave. A normal person would have just said “Ahhh we KNEW it! Congratulations! How are you feeling?”
They sound like arseholes.

I get this, but was your DM told by other people?

In an ideal world, people would just wait to be told news, not question why they weren't invited to a party or wedding, not get upset about anything is "they have no right to know" etc, but that's not how human emotions work.

Same as how OP was so upset she shut herself away till they left.

It wasn't OPs intention to exclude the in-laws but they couldn't help feeling hurt.

Both parties have behaved appallingly but doesn't mean cutting people off....... for a long time!

You only have yourself to blame when you created the situation.

You made zero effort to keep it a secret and told a random childminder when you could have just waited a few weeks (and should have, because imagine how terrible it would have been to have to follow up and tell her if the worst happened).

I would guess the difference is that your GP, pharmacist etc, like mine, didn't say 'oh congratulations on becoming a grandmother again' when they saw your MIL. Of course it's normal for professionals to know before anyone else. Most of us don't even think about that because the professionals don't gossip. And it probably makes PIL wonder who else knows if those two 'professionals' can't keep their thoughts to themselves.

They only told the childminder. The cleaner found out. It's normal to tell professionals before your own family. I didn't tell my family until 12 weeks but the local GP receptionists knew, the GP, the local pharmacist, the midwife etc. At no point did my mother complain that she was down a list of other people.

But would you have lied to your mother when it was clear she'd found out? Or would you have apologised, explained that you were holding on to the greater certainty of 12 weeks before telling people, and confirmed it?

Yes, medical staff know, but they hold information in confidence. It's not normal to make childminding arrangements at 5 weeks. The cleaner was an accident and she has behaved badly - but that's not MIL's fault. From her perspective, important family information had been shared with the cleaner but not with her.

Maybe it’s a skill not many have refined, but I don’t think it’s difficult to shut down a conversation about a ‘loved’ one. Particularly if they’re sharing info you don’t know.
The answer would be - sorry what!? I think you’re confusing me with someone else. And move the topic along. But then I know how to bat away conversations which aren’t appropriate.

You make it sound like it's something you should be taught at finishing school.
Someone says something important about a family member that was brand new to you and you immediately pretend you think it must be someone else and change the subject?
How would you immediately know it wasn't appropriate?

But, MN loves a drama so fair play to the Eastenders style gossip, drama, and reaction. 😂

Sounds like you'd know more about soaps than I would.
I don't come from the sort of background where you have to be poised to bat away inappropriate conversations about your relatives.

But also how must he have felt when his grandparents reacted like that? When, presumably, he was excited about being the one to surprise them. Poor lad - a bunch of adults putting their feelings and behaviour ahead of the feelings of a child. Instead of making a fuss of him and chatting to him about how exciting it’d be to have a sibling, they had an argument. Poor little chap. He sounds like an afterthought.