Baby announcement gone wrong

[GAZ0188]

We have just had our 1st scan and told the inlaws last night. To say this was a disaster, was an understatement.

We live in a very small town where childcare places with child minders are few and far between. At 5 weeks approx. I asked a child minder at a baby group (very quietly, explained no one knew) if I could have a space in which she agreed. 2 days later she seen MIL at another group and said how nice it was she was going to be a granny again (fuming was an understatement) anyway, partner shrugged it off, said it was someone else in town with the same name.

My cleaner came in a few weeks ago and found me over the toilet, spewing my load, and my ginger nuts and maternity documents on the table that I hadn't had time to move. Also doesn't take a genius to work this out.

Yesterday we got home, told them we had a present for FILs bday and put a t-shirt on our little boy announcing is. He walked into the livingroom and we got absolutely no reaction whatsoever. All we got was "well we already knew as the chuldminder and cleaner told us" from the MIL, all whilst she was sitting on my sofa, with a face like a smacked a...e... looking like she'd just stopped crying before walking into my house. To say I was fuming, was an understatement. Instead of "how have you been keeping" i got a full on interigation of how both the child minder and cleaner knew and then they proceeded to tell us how sad they were that they weren't the first to know and they thought more of us basically.

I grabbed my son, went to the bathroom and run him a bath and bathed him in there until they left. I could not bare to look at them. When they left, my partner messaged them explaining how they both knew and saying thanks for asking how she was. They've looked but still no reply.

Iv woke up this morning and I am STILL fuming. What is meant to be a happy moment has been taken away by their "poor me" reaction and now I never want to see their faces again for a very long time. Growing up in my family, I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear of this happening with a 2nd child and now this has completely conveyed my fears of this happening again, albeit it won't be by its parents this time..

I have no idea how to navigate from this. I feel like cutting them off for a long time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

Fucking hell, if you react like this to a relatively minor thing I hate to think what you will be like when the baby is born.

you missed out "and apologise, deeply and sincerely about lying to them about not being pregnant and then hijacking FILs birthday and making it a me-me-me-drama"

With this sort of thing I generally say to myself "they didn't read the script" because we've all seen the Hollywood films and we know how a man should propose, how he should react when you surprise him with the news you are pregnant and how family should react to anything. They just haven't learned the script. It puts it in perspective for me.

This isn’t what ‘high expressed emotion’ means. Look it up. It’s a particular bugbear of mine when people use it in this way.
However, I do agree that the scenario in the op is batshit!

So why were you shocked and upset at her reaction?

Surely you would have been expecting this sort of reaction from her?

Also, what was the reasoning to ask a childminder to a reserve a place for an unborn child whom you are only 5 weeks pregnant with?

Crazy.

You and DH lied to in laws but they’re the ones in the wrong? That’s nuts.

The childminder and cleaner are at fault, why aren't you mad at them?
You're projecting onto your mother in law. She heard the news from two different people, I'd be having words with them, not freaking out with parents in law.

You all love a bit of drama, don’t you?

it’s a small town. Doesn’t take a genius to work out that if you tell people it’ll make it’s way back to your in laws.

Should have told them first. But you love drama, so you didn’t.

But you said your MIL asked you a few times if you would be trying for a baby. Is that not still a bit insensitive knowing your history? If you'd said yes she would have been watching and waiting. I didn't tell anyone either, but if my MIL had found out from some other person, I can't imagine lying to her face and then expecting her to pretend my "reveal" is a surprise. I think that the latter part is what wound them up.

I’d be having a word with the childminder and cleaner.

it sounds like something in PILs reaction has triggered off something to do with your mum. I would spend some time thinking about that.

I would let the dust settle then see ILs for a coffee.They will get over it. It’s not worth falling out over, honestly.

How did they lie 😂😂
They just told them in the appropriate way and the appropriate time. It's not their fault the cleaner and childminder can't keep their traps shut.
Their reaction would have pissed me off too op. They made it about them and their feelings. I wouldn't bother getting back in touch, they will need you before you need them.

And when you meet them for that coffee say sorry

Which is where OP's annoyance should be directed.

A normal reaction to being congratulated about being a grandma isn't shutting it down. Someone is offering their congratulations not whispering about a miscarriage or other bad news, which would be different.

We also don't know if CM said it in passing and grandma said thanks, and that was that.

Yes. The whole thing is rather humiliating for the in-laws. They would either have had to reveal to the childminder, and then the cleaner, that they didn't know or they had to pretend that they did know just to save face. They probably felt stupid.

What?????? You’re going NC ‘for a long time’ because your PIL were hurt they were the 3rd to know about DC2.

You seriously tried to book a childminder when you were 5 weeks pregnant? Total insanity! Have you also booked one of each colour balloon arches for the 18th birthday and looked around unis?

To jump to your above conclusion, it sounds like you didn’t like them to begin with. On that basis, did you purposely leak this news, knowing it would grt back to them. The childminder, the strategically placed pregnancy notes for the cleaner to see.

”Spewing your load” urgh disgusting phrase 🤮 Whole post is awful

They lied when asked about what the childminder said” must have been someone else with same name”.

This is like one of those sitcoms where a misunderstanding gets blown out of proportion because no one can discuss things normally (because otherwise there would be no drama)

At the point where they found out from the childminder why did you then try to manipulate the situation by telling them it wasn't true?

At that point I would have said "Oh god, I cannot believe she broke the news, I specificity asked her not to tell anyone. We wanted to tell you both face to face"

You all sound as mad as each other. This isn't even your first baby which makes it even more bonkers. No one gives a shit about your second pregnancy you just get one with it.

Then give both in-laws a wide berth and get on with your own life!

Not sure if you told the childminder to keep quiet but your cleaner is incredibly unprofessional and I’d be getting a new one.

Your PIL are ridiculous and should be just happy for you but they sound like drama lamas. Unless there’s more backstory I’d keep away for a bit but cutting them out seems a bit much.

People are weird about their rights to baby’s/knowledge about incoming babies though especially family children.

Yep!

Goodness me, where to start with a mature view and advice around good communication and relationship building. 🤯

Of course a family member is going to be upset that a prospective childminder and the cleaner knew the news before them ( in this case about their new grandchild).
When did your parents find out?

Your cleaner and the childminder should be respecting confidentiality as part of their role.
No need to talk to a chilminder at FIVE weeks…no matter how rare the places are.

You completkey overreacted too OP.

How did they lie See the second paragraph of the OP. MIL bumped into childminder and was told, partner then lied to MIL that it was someone else with the same name who was having a baby.

I think OP and her partner have treated MIL atrociously. Firstly in putting the baby's grandparents well down the list of those to be told (we're not talking a few days, we're talking weeks), secondly when they did find out accidentally, OP's partner lied to MIL and said it wasn't them who was having a baby.

OP has turned what should be a happy occasion for MIL,FIL the announcement of new grandchild, into a miserable occasion for involved.

OP knew that MIL had been told by CM, I presume. So why didn't they at that point go and make the the announcement and apologise for the lie? Why did OP stage this "perfect announcement" when she already knew that the likelihood was that they already knew? Asking them to act suprised to fulfil her own ideas of what a wedding announcement should be.

I don’t mean this unkindly at all, but please count yourself lucky that this is all you have to be getting worked up about.

“said it was someone else in town with the same name.”

Thats how they lied.

This. You are too self absorbed.
You need to seek some counselling to put your childhood behind you. Your PIL have upset you but haven't really done much wrong at all.
Get over yourself. Your cleaner and child careworker were the unprofessional ones. You are far too sensitive.
Take note - never tell a soul about a pregnancy until you want the World to know.