Baby announcement gone wrong

[GAZ0188]

We have just had our 1st scan and told the inlaws last night. To say this was a disaster, was an understatement.

We live in a very small town where childcare places with child minders are few and far between. At 5 weeks approx. I asked a child minder at a baby group (very quietly, explained no one knew) if I could have a space in which she agreed. 2 days later she seen MIL at another group and said how nice it was she was going to be a granny again (fuming was an understatement) anyway, partner shrugged it off, said it was someone else in town with the same name.

My cleaner came in a few weeks ago and found me over the toilet, spewing my load, and my ginger nuts and maternity documents on the table that I hadn't had time to move. Also doesn't take a genius to work this out.

Yesterday we got home, told them we had a present for FILs bday and put a t-shirt on our little boy announcing is. He walked into the livingroom and we got absolutely no reaction whatsoever. All we got was "well we already knew as the chuldminder and cleaner told us" from the MIL, all whilst she was sitting on my sofa, with a face like a smacked a...e... looking like she'd just stopped crying before walking into my house. To say I was fuming, was an understatement. Instead of "how have you been keeping" i got a full on interigation of how both the child minder and cleaner knew and then they proceeded to tell us how sad they were that they weren't the first to know and they thought more of us basically.

I grabbed my son, went to the bathroom and run him a bath and bathed him in there until they left. I could not bare to look at them. When they left, my partner messaged them explaining how they both knew and saying thanks for asking how she was. They've looked but still no reply.

Iv woke up this morning and I am STILL fuming. What is meant to be a happy moment has been taken away by their "poor me" reaction and now I never want to see their faces again for a very long time. Growing up in my family, I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear of this happening with a 2nd child and now this has completely conveyed my fears of this happening again, albeit it won't be by its parents this time..

I have no idea how to navigate from this. I feel like cutting them off for a long time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

Everyone sounds a bit nuts. I know it’s nice to have a big announcement and reaction but life isn’t always like that.

My IL’s would probably have quietly said the childminder mentioned something to us, is there anything you would like to share?

As per other posters my issue would be with the childminder and cleaner (especially cleaner) - I wouldn’t be happy with someone I trusted to be in my personal space gossiping about private information unless they had specifically been told about it.

OP your hypocrisy is stunning.

You are OTT angry at them because your moment was ruined.

THEIR moment was ruined because you told a cleaner and childminder before you told them.

You are angry at their response but think your response is perfectly fine.

I completely agree with them. They have every right to be disappointed.

Truth!

Lied to - "Not pregnant".
Gaslit - It's someone with the same name 🙄
Manipulation - Taking grandchild away.
Rejection - staying in bathroom the whole time.
Ignored - No coming out to even say goodbye.

Main character syndrome - Why is the granddad's birthday about you being pregnant??

I know this was in person, but do people not seeing each other on the birthday call to say,
Happy birthday, got you a present..... I'm pregnant!

Also, it would be DMIL's DGC too, so why does it have to be his ? Just screems Me, Me, Me.

I'd look for another childminder, sack your cleaner, dump as much of your baggage in the river as you can and tell your MIL and FIL that you're sorry they found out the way that they did but huffiness does not become them.

They’ve been rude and selfish. I can see why they’re disappointed with how they found out, but they were very childish and OTT in the way they reacted.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

Next time be more careful who you share your business with, on purpose or accidentally. I've lived in a small town, as you do too, you should know word spreads like wildfire.

OP. Grow. Up.

Maybe the issue is that MIL looks after DC1 two days a week, and she’s wondering why she didn’t get an early heads up, same as the childminder.

For heavens sake it isn't their moment! They aren't pregnant. It isn't their baby.

“Growing up in my family, I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear of this happening with a 2nd child and now this has completely conveyed my fears of this happening again, albeit it won't be by its parents this time..”

Sorry but this feels like a total overreaction.

They’re pissed off because they found out from people other than yourselves that they are going to be grandparents again. TBF, I probably would be too. Unless there is some major backstory and drip feed imminent, that in no way equates to them deciding to “push aside” your older child.

You live in a small town and small towns gossip. It was a rookie mistake to tell anyone before family.

ETA: if you want to be angry, be angry at yourself and the childminder and cleaner who couldn’t keep their gobs shut. Incredibly unprofessional behaviour from both of them.

So in other words everyone else is to blame apart from the op? No wonder the country is going to shit when there are so many entitled people around you being one of them!

The first thing I would do is sack the cleaner and tell the childminder you will not be using them and tell them the reason why. How unprofessional of them to disclose personal information. They can’t be trusted.
Then I would go and see you in laws and apologise about the way they found out and your reaction. I can understand why they were upset.

Definitely this.

But what if someone else had told your MIL about your pregnancy and then when she asked you about it you pretended you weren't, but then a cleaner confirmed that you were indeed pregnant and that you had been lying to her while telling other people? Would she still have been delighted about this chain of events?

This wasn't about keeping the pregnancy a secret - it stopped being a secret when they told other people. It was just a lie after that.

I'm reeling a bit from reading this. The childminder and cleaner were clearly wrong to tell your in laws, but I don't see what your in laws did wrong. They were understandably clearly hurt that you had told other people about the pregnancy before them - you live in a small town where you must know that gossip spreads and you could have easily have avoided this situation by asking both people not to mention anything because you hadn't told your in laws and wanted to surprise them.

I think you chose the most bizarre way to announce the pregnancy to the in laws - who on earth does this by putting a t shirt on a toddler and telling your in laws that you've got a 'present' for them? 😆. Given all the circumstances I think their reaction was probably understandable, but your behaviour was way way over the top. I think you owe your in laws an apology.

@MonaLisaDoesntSmile I did have my own childcare challenges yes... but honestly trying to get in a childminder's list at 5 weeks pregnant is a bit much.

I mean, people 'waiting' until the 12 week scan is a bit unnecessary I think (i mean what did people do before this?) But I can understand people wanting to be sure.

The more I think about it the more I think it's hypocritical of OP. Imagine having to tell the CM to 'stand this one down'?

Actually I think this probably isn't a real post.

Also just to add to that if pil had been lied to and told she wasn't pregnant and and then someone else mentioned to pil about her being pregnant and the pil could have replied oh no we asked her and we were told she wasn't pregnant can you imagine how mortified they would feel to then find out she was pregnant and lied?

Maybe it’s a skill not many have refined, but I don’t think it’s difficult to shut down a conversation about a ‘loved’ one. Particularly if they’re sharing info you don’t know.

And yes, exactly. The answer would be - sorry what!? I think you’re confusing me with someone else. And move the topic along. But then I know how to bat away conversations which aren’t appropriate.

Of course we don’t know what was said next by MIL.I would assume there’s a valid reason DIL hadn’t mentioned it, and I most certainly would not spoil the moment when DS & DIL planned to share it. Based on her reaction to the announcement, she doesn’t have DIL & DS best interests at heart. Instead, it’s all about her.

But, MN loves a drama so fair play to the Eastenders style gossip, drama, and reaction. 😂

This is why so many families fall out.

That is perfectly normal.

You're skipping the part where they did tell someone, the childminder.

Then when the CM congratulated the grandparents, they asked OP/her DH but they lied to his parents.

Small villages are gossip central, if the CM and cleaner knew, you can bet so did the farmers cat!

They'd have had people talking about how Mable & Dave don't know even though 'everyone' else knows.

OP & her DH are not blameless.

There was also the option of telling the childminder that you were trying for a baby and would she be able to hold you a spot.

@HollyKnight my MIL would have had the good sense not to ask me about it. We've dealt with pregnancy loss in the past and don't share the news with family or friends until 12 weeks.

That doesn't mean we don't tell other professionals. If those professionals went and spread the news I'd be pretty irritated.

Don't cut your in laws out of your children's lives over this. It can all be smoothed over with an explanation and and apology. I can see why they were offended and i can also see why you were disappointed but i think this is easily resolved. I do think both sides have been quite over dramatic here!

I also think you may he projecting slightly with the comparison between your family dynamics growing up and this situation- it doesn't sound like there is any intention whatsoever to shun your child.

And there'll be a poor baby brought into all of this batsuit manipulative nonsense.