Baby announcement gone wrong

[GAZ0188]

We have just had our 1st scan and told the inlaws last night. To say this was a disaster, was an understatement.

We live in a very small town where childcare places with child minders are few and far between. At 5 weeks approx. I asked a child minder at a baby group (very quietly, explained no one knew) if I could have a space in which she agreed. 2 days later she seen MIL at another group and said how nice it was she was going to be a granny again (fuming was an understatement) anyway, partner shrugged it off, said it was someone else in town with the same name.

My cleaner came in a few weeks ago and found me over the toilet, spewing my load, and my ginger nuts and maternity documents on the table that I hadn't had time to move. Also doesn't take a genius to work this out.

Yesterday we got home, told them we had a present for FILs bday and put a t-shirt on our little boy announcing is. He walked into the livingroom and we got absolutely no reaction whatsoever. All we got was "well we already knew as the chuldminder and cleaner told us" from the MIL, all whilst she was sitting on my sofa, with a face like a smacked a...e... looking like she'd just stopped crying before walking into my house. To say I was fuming, was an understatement. Instead of "how have you been keeping" i got a full on interigation of how both the child minder and cleaner knew and then they proceeded to tell us how sad they were that they weren't the first to know and they thought more of us basically.

I grabbed my son, went to the bathroom and run him a bath and bathed him in there until they left. I could not bare to look at them. When they left, my partner messaged them explaining how they both knew and saying thanks for asking how she was. They've looked but still no reply.

Iv woke up this morning and I am STILL fuming. What is meant to be a happy moment has been taken away by their "poor me" reaction and now I never want to see their faces again for a very long time. Growing up in my family, I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear of this happening with a 2nd child and now this has completely conveyed my fears of this happening again, albeit it won't be by its parents this time..

I have no idea how to navigate from this. I feel like cutting them off for a long time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

I'd be a bit annoyed if I were them. Why didn't you tell them before the childminder?

I think it’s probably the lying and gaslighting that’s upset them. And that really isn’t surprising. They’ve been made to look idiots.

I am not convinced that a childminder would agree to reserve a place for someone who is only 5 weeks pregnant anyway. It’s so far in the future and no guarantee the baby will be born at all.

Pick your battles

You need to take a long hard look OP at your part in this because your need for a big announcement when you knew they were aware and had also lied to them about it

and then to leap to it being about your son being pushed out is a massive overreaction

they were cross about being lied to and have to sit through this charade and now you are making it all about you

get some therapy to deal with your childhood

OP, I totally get your upset. It's not that you didn't get to do a big reveal, it's the fact they didn't show any bother about the pregnancy and instead focused on being lied to.

In hindsight, if you knew they already knew, then telling them at that point may have been a better idea - but also, they could have reacted better too and shown some understanding about why you may have told the others out of necessity rather than a readiness to share.

I hope you can all put it past you and work it out xx

And exactly how do you magically know what her response was?

Sounds similar to you from what I’ve read. You made you FIL’s birthday all about the baby you’re having in what 7 months. He’s already got a grandchild that you don’t want pushed aside. But you kinda pushed him aside yourself with your nutty behaviour

YABVU. It’s understandable that your MIL would be hurt at being told about her new grandchild by an outsider. I know it wasn’t your fault (I’d be fuming at the childminder btw and looking for a different one) but at that point you really should have just accepted that the cat was out of the bag and told her it was true, and explained why the childminder already knew. I’m sure that would have smoothed everything over.

Instead you lied to her face, and then expected some kind of fake surprise when you ‘announced’ it later. Presumably ruining FIL birthday in the process when you flounced off, just like you’ve flounced off this thread because you weren’t getting the answers you wanted.

I’m not sure it’s MIL who’s the narcissist here.

Oh don’t be so ridiculous in your want to blame the MIL!

As if you’d know exactly how to react when told by someone other than your own family that a new grandchild was on the way!

Remember, that the child minder knew for six weeks before the grandparents, only the grandparents did know but weren’t allowed to celebrate as OP and her DH kept the lie going.

But you blame MIL for not being quick enough to shut the conversation down?

Good lord, the reach here is huge!

You lied to them. When the child minder told them and they asked you should have just announced then instead you both lied to them and made them feel like idiots when the cleaner then also told them. You are to blame for this and have also overreacted massively.

You sound as though you have a lot of issues from your own upbringing and that you are on a hair trigger with your in-laws. I would be a bit put out if non family members knew my DIL was pregnant before I did. But I do think your MIL should have spoken to you once she found out, rather than bottle it up. That would have given you a chance to explain about the childminder situation etc. But the idea that you might weaponise your children to punish her is absolutely horrible.

EDIT: Actually, just reread and your MIL DID bring it up and you lied to her. God, that’s worse!

As you quite rightly say, in turn ruining FILs birthday, very unkind,

Your MIL is? Really? Shes not the one in the story who comes across that way…

You are all being OTT.

Why does everything have to be a great announcement?

"DIL is pregnant but she didn't tell us first, 2 other people who are really not close to her were told instead. When we asked them, they lied and denied the pregnancy. Should I cut her off for a very long time?"

See, they'd have thought you willingly shared with the other 2 and left them out deliberately.

Like others have said, all you had to do was explain and be annoyed at the cleaner and childminder. Laugh it off even, oh gosh didn't realise cleaner/CM is miss loose lips

Your partner lieing when they asked didn't help.

As for hiding away with the child, how very immature and controlling.

You need a thicker skin and use your people management skills instead of sulking.

When you have disagreements with friends colleagues etc, do you behave the same way or just reserved for MIL?

The mil did try speaking about it but then the ops partner lied to them which again probably came from the op,I really feel for the ops partner being caught between the op and his parents. Also op many people had issues as children much much worst than yours but they don't use them as excuse to treat people awfully, I suggest you get some therapy as you are screaming out for attention.

🙄

Well so are you! You'd rather lie to your in-laws about someone having the same name as you so you can still do your little performance with a child announcing the good news.

Honestly it's ridiculous. The childminder stuffed up and it's really annoying. But at that point you simply had to say to MIL yes wonderful news I'm pregnant but it's so early on we didn't want to say until 12 weeks . I'm so sorry you heard second hand.

Job done. But lying so you could still do the t-shirt. Batshit crazy

Oh is she now?!

If you wanted them to be the first to know you shouldn’t have spoken to the childminder until after you’d told them. Doubt a few days would have made a difference. The cleaner seeing your notes is unfortunate, but surely you could have had a chat with her and said you hadn’t told the PILs so PLEASE don’t say anything as you wanted to surprise them?

You know how villages work, right? Impossible to keep a secret UNLESS you make sure no-one knows. They’re allowed to be pissed off that they didn’t know before fandoms in the village did and you’re allowed to be pissed off at their reaction however, you have massively over-reacted. All you had to do was explain about the lack of child-minder places and that the cleaner accidentally saw your paperwork so they weren’t actually “told” (apart from the childminder who you should have waited to speak to), apologise and crack on with enjoying the news. Instead you sulked in the bathroom with your son. How long was he in the bath for???

So many things so wrong with all of this. Sticking your child in a t-shirt to announce a pregnancy? I guess it is marginally better than sticking the pregnancy test result into cupcake frosting. How were the inlaws supposed to act? Feign surprise at news they already knew about? Your husband lying to them by saying it was someone else by the same name pregnant. That really was an insult to their intelligence. You then flounced off using your child as a weapon hiding away as your big announcement backfired spectacularly. Grow up, accept that you and your husband handled this badly and move on from it.

What?
Someone says something to you that implies a big family event that you were unaware of like "Congratulations! I hear you're going to be a grandma" and you don't automatically say something like, "Huh? What now? Am I?" in a dazed way.
You immediately think:
"Oh! I see. DiL is pregnant, hasn't told me yet but, for some perfectly valid reasons, this person does know all about it. I must have my DiL's back and not ask anything further. I'll just say 'You must be confusing me with someone else' "

In the time it would have taken me to process all of that, Person A would have thought I'd had a stroke and be calling an ambulance.

To be fair, the most normal response to someone saying they'd heard you were going to be a grandmother, when you didn't know about it, would be:
"What?".
Not:
"You're confusing me with someone else. Have you seen the new Tesco that's just opened?". Or change of subject of your choice.

It doesn’t matter- the cleaner shouldn’t be talking about stuff she sees in other peoples’ houses. Especially stuff like this. It’s common sense.

Haven’t read the replies but you are all very silly individuals.

My jaw is on the floor with some of these responses. Some of you really think that this is an appropriate way to respond to big life news of your children/children in law?

To not even say congratulations? To not force a smile? Not bother asking how they are feeling?

My MIL asked a few times when we would be trying for another baby while I was in the first trimester. Each time I told her I didn't know, while knowing I was pregnant. When I told her I was pregnant she was delighted. She didn't say "oh well you lied to me on multiple occasions so you can shove your good news up your arse".

And for those saying no one is bothered or excited by pregnancy news except the parents, how utterly depressing for you if that's been your experience. My parents and PIL have always been over the moon to find out about having a new grandchild. They would never make such good news about them or their hurt feelings if they weren't the first to know.