Baby announcement gone wrong

[GAZ0188]

We have just had our 1st scan and told the inlaws last night. To say this was a disaster, was an understatement.

We live in a very small town where childcare places with child minders are few and far between. At 5 weeks approx. I asked a child minder at a baby group (very quietly, explained no one knew) if I could have a space in which she agreed. 2 days later she seen MIL at another group and said how nice it was she was going to be a granny again (fuming was an understatement) anyway, partner shrugged it off, said it was someone else in town with the same name.

My cleaner came in a few weeks ago and found me over the toilet, spewing my load, and my ginger nuts and maternity documents on the table that I hadn't had time to move. Also doesn't take a genius to work this out.

Yesterday we got home, told them we had a present for FILs bday and put a t-shirt on our little boy announcing is. He walked into the livingroom and we got absolutely no reaction whatsoever. All we got was "well we already knew as the chuldminder and cleaner told us" from the MIL, all whilst she was sitting on my sofa, with a face like a smacked a...e... looking like she'd just stopped crying before walking into my house. To say I was fuming, was an understatement. Instead of "how have you been keeping" i got a full on interigation of how both the child minder and cleaner knew and then they proceeded to tell us how sad they were that they weren't the first to know and they thought more of us basically.

I grabbed my son, went to the bathroom and run him a bath and bathed him in there until they left. I could not bare to look at them. When they left, my partner messaged them explaining how they both knew and saying thanks for asking how she was. They've looked but still no reply.

Iv woke up this morning and I am STILL fuming. What is meant to be a happy moment has been taken away by their "poor me" reaction and now I never want to see their faces again for a very long time. Growing up in my family, I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear of this happening with a 2nd child and now this has completely conveyed my fears of this happening again, albeit it won't be by its parents this time..

I have no idea how to navigate from this. I feel like cutting them off for a long time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

Haven't RTFT...

Do you remember the days when you'd get a phonecall saying... 'guess what, I'm pregnant!' Or something like that?

Honestly all of this 'announcing' pregnancies and sex of babies and engagements and gender identities and god knows what else.

Performative nonsense.

Just tell people.

OP you went way OTT telling the childminder that early IF you didn't want anyone else to know.

Personally I'm not one for telling people while the pee is still wet on the stick.. but i think people you should tell people from whom they'd expect support if things went wrong. also just people yourself if ultimately you think the cat's out of the bag.

So confusing, so you confirmed to the childminder and cleaner that you were pregnant; then gaslit your in-laws when they asked about it and said you weren't pregnant; then finally you're annoyed that they didn't act surprised for the big reveal when you announced actually you were pregnant all along.
You are being very unreasonable

And are you?

Or are you saying that OP has no right to copmplain about a manipulativer MiL because she may not be perfect herself and somehow it's OK to be manipulative?

You need to calm down.

If person A says to person B "Congratulations, I hear you’re going to be a grandma!", how is that person B's fault for "gossiping"?

You missed that important bit where there are not many childcare options in the area???
In my hometown people actually sign up for nursery the moment they find out they are pregnant and put down depisots as otherwise they may be left out or drive 1h+ to find a place, hardly ideal. Nothing OTT about trying to secure a place in advance, you must be very priviledged and have lots of choice to not realise that.

No way this is real. It can’t be

That’s another thing that can fuck right off. A family member’s DH filmed her pregnancy announcement at Christmas a few years ago when we were all in the room and I felt deeply uncomfortable. I also am very strict about my DC (who were in the room) being on social media and on other people’s phones but the filming had already started so I had to do a big awkward “Oh if this is some sort of announcement let me just make sure the kids are out the way of the camera” and lots of faffing followed while the obvious announcement was delayed. It kind of killed the buzz and excitement. Can people not just remember these non-events in their heads?

It’s the OP that’s manipulative

No need for a "birth announcement". I think everyone is being a bit silly here. Focus on your pregnancy, tell your in laws to do the same. I agree with @SilverBowl , it's all got a bit performative.

No, I’m not. But as I’m not a psychologist I don’t go around, like too many MNers do, labelling people as "manipulative" or "narcissists" when I don’t get on with them well.

It's really disappointing that they weren't able to put their own feelings to the side to celebrate the fact that you are pregnant.

I think it was bad taste of them to ask you about it after hearing from the childminder. It's very normal to not want to share pregnancy news before 12 weeks. They should have held off and waited for you to confirm yourself.

That said, instead of the "thanks for asking how she is" your DH should have said how sad it was that they couldn't force a smile about their new grandchild and instead made it all about their own feelings.

I wouldn't cut them off over something like this, but I wouldn't bother sharing anything else about the pregnancy with them if they aren't able to share in the happiness.

Get rid of the cleaner.

She announced to a CM that’s she’s pregnant at 5 weeks, to arrange childcare? Gaslit her MIL, treated her like a fool.

She can and has complained, but is justifiably being handed her arse in a plate.

Said she felt sidelined as a child when her sister arrive, but uses her own child as a message board.

MIL is not the narcissist here.

Mil hasn’t been manipulative here. She’s hurt that she’s been lied to.

She may be the Dr Evil of Mil’s on every other occasion but here she’s got a good point.

I know it wouldnt have been the announcement you were planning, but why didn't you just come clean to them after the childminder told them? Why lie to them like they are stupid?

They must have felt like the whole village were in on it once the cleaner had told them. No wonder they felt a bit flat about it.

If you feel you need to get angry at anyone, it's the childminder and the cleaner for breaching your confidence.

It’s all in the response.
‘No, you must have me confused with someone else.’ Immediately change subject.
It’s really not that hard to have someone’s back if you care about them.
Also note, supposedly MIL didn’t know. So why would she engage in that conversation further than a response like this?

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP.

you are all overreacting. I could vaguely understand mild irritation if this was your first baby, but... get used to this. Nobody cares about your pregnancy as much as you do even for a first, 2nd and subsequent? meh.

Why didn't you just confirm with MIL that you were pregnant once CM had spilled the beans? It seems absolutely ridiculous to have lied about it.

Or even Person A"s fault if they assumed that person would have known before her.

Because it would’ve spoilt the insta moment of the older child wearing a t shirt. Unfortunately, MIL and FIL didn’t react like performing monkeys as they should’ve, with faux cries of surprise, so they’re being blamed for spoiling the non surprise.

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy.

From where I'm sitting @GAZ0188 , unless finding a childminder once you have the baby is going to be like trying to find hens teeth, I don't think it was a wise decision to ask about childminding at 5 wks pregnant.
As for the morning sickness - I don't think there was anything you could do about the cleaner discovering you.

All of that said, even if the grandparents knew ahead of you and your DH made the announcement official, they should have reacted better - been more enthusiastic and happy rather than the way they said "We know" which is coming across as dour and irritated that others knew before they did.

Last point I'd be making is that at 5 weeks pregnant you have no idea how the pregnancy is going to go so had I been in your shoes, I would have waited until at least 12 weeks.

I wouldn't go no contact with the grandparents - use this as a reset button if you will about how things will go, now that you know how they react when they aren't the first people to be informed of stuff. Give your DH a break too as he's trying to walk a tightrope between you and his parents and they really don't sound like the worst parents in the world.

I can see it's sad that your planned announcement didn't go as expected , but I would be more annoyed at childminder - they wore told confidentially and the cleaner - did you tell them to keep it quiet too after they caught you being sick ?

I would be telling childminder and cleaver how sad and upset I was that they had spread the news before you had a chance to tell your family

I would also invite pil around and tell them the above

And at then end of the day congratulations - you're having a baby and they are getting a new grandchild , how absolutely lovely

Maybe. But nothing in your post is describing that. Of course she's hurt that you flat out lied. You should have been honest after he childminder thing. I really don't see the point of lying at that point.

And if something is a secret, don't tell anyone. Once you tell someone, it's not a secret any more. 5 weeks is ridiculously early to tell a childminder. Waiting till 12 weeks wouldn't make any difference

Why would you see a childminder at 5 weeks pregnant? Why would your partner lie and say it's someone else with the same name in a small town where everyone knows everyone? Why would he lie anyway? Why would you deny it then have the gall to annoyed at mil when she was annoyed that a cleaner and childminder have already told her you're pregnant ..and you denied it and didn't tell her yourself? Why would you have such early pregnancy documents?

Even if this is true, which I really doubt, mil and fil were clearly hurt. You have some apologising to do instead of being angry and defensive as a result of your own actions.

Exactly that.

Everyone is an expert in mental health these days.
My auntie's next-door neighbour is a CPN so I can reliably tell you that OP is a drama llama.
(My actual DH is really a consultant psychiatrist and tells me my humour is sometimes inappropriate. I say "Meh! Expert Schmexpert")