Baby announcement gone wrong

[GAZ0188]

We have just had our 1st scan and told the inlaws last night. To say this was a disaster, was an understatement.

We live in a very small town where childcare places with child minders are few and far between. At 5 weeks approx. I asked a child minder at a baby group (very quietly, explained no one knew) if I could have a space in which she agreed. 2 days later she seen MIL at another group and said how nice it was she was going to be a granny again (fuming was an understatement) anyway, partner shrugged it off, said it was someone else in town with the same name.

My cleaner came in a few weeks ago and found me over the toilet, spewing my load, and my ginger nuts and maternity documents on the table that I hadn't had time to move. Also doesn't take a genius to work this out.

Yesterday we got home, told them we had a present for FILs bday and put a t-shirt on our little boy announcing is. He walked into the livingroom and we got absolutely no reaction whatsoever. All we got was "well we already knew as the chuldminder and cleaner told us" from the MIL, all whilst she was sitting on my sofa, with a face like a smacked a...e... looking like she'd just stopped crying before walking into my house. To say I was fuming, was an understatement. Instead of "how have you been keeping" i got a full on interigation of how both the child minder and cleaner knew and then they proceeded to tell us how sad they were that they weren't the first to know and they thought more of us basically.

I grabbed my son, went to the bathroom and run him a bath and bathed him in there until they left. I could not bare to look at them. When they left, my partner messaged them explaining how they both knew and saying thanks for asking how she was. They've looked but still no reply.

Iv woke up this morning and I am STILL fuming. What is meant to be a happy moment has been taken away by their "poor me" reaction and now I never want to see their faces again for a very long time. Growing up in my family, I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear of this happening with a 2nd child and now this has completely conveyed my fears of this happening again, albeit it won't be by its parents this time..

I have no idea how to navigate from this. I feel like cutting them off for a long time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

This is eerily true.

They go for what feels familiar.

I can see why you are upset, they shouldn't have had an arsey reaction. Though I don't think anyone's particularly at fault.

If you are telling the cleaner/child minder, I think unless you explicitly tell them not to mention it, they probably just assumed family would be in the know - for me, accross my family and friends it is the norm to tell close family very early on. For example if my sister or sil was pregnant, I'd be surprised if i wasn't told at 5-6 weeks.

I know its pointless to suggest things in hindsight, but I think the best approach is when the child minder dobbed you in, would have been not to lie and just say "sorry I only mentioned it as I know availability is poor, I don't like to get family excited by announcing too soon, before im more confident its going to stick, so ideally you didn't find out this way - but here you go".

They are also not unreasonable to be underwhelmed in their reaction as it obviously isn't a suprise, and I get being disappointed as they knew but were lied to, so may be hard to muster up suprise and enthusiasm, but anger doesn't seem the right response.

All in all, I'd just see the announcement as a fail, but its no big deal. A shitty underwhelming announcement shouldn't ruin the overall excitement for you and your fam

Your CM and cleaner were wrong to blab and your MIL reaction was ridiculous but you’re a bit overdramatic yourself

Of course she is.
All MiLs of DiLs on MN are. It's the law.

I'm just curious to know when "fuming" is actually the mot juste?

fuming was an understatement at one point, To say I was fuming, was an understatement at another, but woke up this morning and I am STILL fuming.
So, are you just "fuming" this morning and were the times when fuming was an understatement worse?

What is meant to be a happy moment has been taken away by their "poor me" reaction

"Poor me" reactions: they're just the worst, aren't they?

I understand your disappointment but you are hugely overreacting. They should have asked how you were, but did you want them to pretend they didn’t already know you were pregnant? It must have felt very humiliating for your in-laws to be told about your pregnancy by virtual strangers and even though I realise you didn’t intend it that way it would have been thoughtful if you’d realised that once others knew or guessed the news it was likely to get out so you should tell in-laws too.

The childminder in particular was very wrong to talk about it when you’d told her to keep it quiet, but the fact that she obviously assumed that that didn’t include your in-laws as you would have already told them should tell you something.

I would just explain that you weren’t intending to exclude them, you’re sorry they felt hurt, and then move on.

Not sure what you expected them to say OP?
Surprise! - yes, we already knew!
Which they clearly did already know. They were never going to be "Omg, we had no idea". 😅

I think the whole waiting until 12 weeks it’s a silly tradition. You’re not the first woman to get pregnant. I told people as soon as I found out, so that I wouldn’t have to faff around trying to pretend. The only times I would consider delaying telling is at work and wait for the right time to maximise my advantage, if there was any to be gained.

Very good point. FIL was robbed! If only you'd stuck the scan picture in a bottle of scotch rather than on the toddler

told them we had a present for FILs bday and put a t-shirt on our little boy announcing is

How is your new arrival a 'present' for your FIL, whether your in-laws knew about it in advance or not? I think you've made too much of the 'announcement' and it's resulted in an inevitable 'tears before bedtime' situation. Be the bigger person and apologise, say you realise you should have told them once you knew the childminder had blabbed.

It really is and steeped in a bit of misogyny actually. I wish people would just say from the get go and normalise talking about miscarriages.

Yes. Because you were either a first born who couldn't stand no longer having all the attention anymore, or your parents neglected after your sister was born.

You need therapy to work this out, then if it's the latter get help on how to cope with that because it's affecting your relationship with your current chosen.

They sound very immature but the whole “announcement” thing is very OTT - especially for a second child.

Drama llamas all round

Can I point out the massive disconnect between

We …put a t-shirt on our little boy announcing it.

and

Growing up in my family, I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear of this happening with a 2nd child

You literally relegated your son to the position of walking notice board announcing the news of his sibling-to-be. His whole existence from now on defined as brother to the new baby.

OP says their reaction was very clear. This is exactly how not to be grandparents or parents of adult DC. I know someone who hit the roof with their DS when they realised his GF’s aunt knew about their engagement before they did. The GF’s DM had let it slip. 10years on - and I can tell you that it has soured that relationship. The surprise engagement party was basically ruined as the man’s DM went out to have a little cry as she was upset and his dad had a face like thunder. They still think they were justified. They also wonder why they don’t see the son and his family very much.

The only acceptable reaction to hearing that you’re going to be a grandparent again - unless there are justified concerns about expectant parents’ ability to cope - is surely joy. A sour face because you weren’t the first to know is not on.

Bravo! Absolutely. 💯

And you are perfect?

Yes, everyone expects to be told about an impending second child a couple of years after the first. It’s a bit much that you’re all making such a storm in a teacup of it.

Good point

She did because they then lied.

👏🏼 👏🏼👏🏼

Can we also collectively agree these “creative” announcements are entirely naff and OTT. I think there’s a lot to be said for a conversation and the words “I’m pregnant!”.

I’m the kind of person who struggles showing overt excitement a bit at things like presents (DH for years kept thinking I was just disappointed when he bought me stuff) even when I absolutely love a present I find it almost physically impossible to “jump for joy”. I think there’s a lot of people who are the same and these rather self-involved stunts make me feel quite awkward in that I feel I have to display much more joy than I naturally feel. Like Miranda in SATC with her fake not face when she was pregnant 🤣

And he ruined a good camera moment for social media, dammit!!

I don't think you expected these replies. Will they make you rethink your behaviour?

You’ve made a massive fuss OP, booking childminders at 5 weeks! Who does that! Giving your FIL a pregnancy announcement as a present. Stropping off to bath time.

They were entitled to be a bit fed up you and DH lied to them.

Why don’t people just talk. When they said they knew why didn’t you say ‘What? You knew? Oh no, I was so looking forward to telling you! That childminder Sarah is really unprofessional! And the bloody cleaner too! Christ, they all love a gossip don’t they? Ahh sorry, of course you should be the first to know. Oh dear, what a cock up! My bad, I never should have told the childminder at 5 WEEKS!

Why go off in a strop when people are sat in your house?