Boyfriend going on a stag do on my birthday

[Scribbleonapagee]

Yesterday, DP informed me that the stag do for his friend is set for the weekend of my birthday. He apologised and said that’s the weekend that most people could do and it’s not up to him. But he is the best man, if he told his friend he can’t do that weekend then I’m sure he’d have changed it! He can have his stag do any time, I can’t change the date of my birthday.

AIBU to be annoyed/upset at this?

I never said I want him to look after our child any other time. The arrangement at the moment is how it has to be. But on my birthday we had discussed what we were going to do on the day and I was looking forward to it. While we didn’t have “booked” plans, we had still agreed to do something on that date. So if John can’t do the stag do on x date because he has something planned already, and Steve can’t do x date because he has something planned, why can’t my DP not do this date because he has something planned?

It’s not a coincidence, we discussed it and decided he needs to do this so that we can afford for me to take 9 months mat leave

Seems like you can be arsed with people like this, seeing as you took the time to write your reply to me

Exactly. You can’t dictate to the stag your birthday is more important than his stag do. Just have your lay in another day. If you’d booked a holiday then it might have been reasonable, but if my friend told me she couldn’t make my hen do as it was her boyfriends birthday and he wanted a lie in, I’d be a little annoyed. I certainly wouldn’t rearrange my trip because of it.

Do you really have to be home alone on your birthday though? Do you not have family or a single friend that can spend at least some of the day with you?

You're an adult OP and you can celebrate your birthday on a different day. Get him to take another day off for you, instead of doing work for family.

Maybe John and Steve had solid reasons. You’d already said you didn’t want to do much so he’s not missing anything that can’t be juggled.

Stag do trumps random birthday, sorry! You need to drop it now if it’s been planned, and he owes you a lie in and day out when he gets back.

Now you're being as ridiculous as the OP.

They live together, share finances, have a child. Clearly not just 'gf' and 'bf', regardless of the titles OP has chosen.

And as for the whole wives can make demands - husbands can deny them 😂

Stag do happens once. Your birthday is every year.
This year, stag do trumps your birthday. Celebrate after or before.

The weekend work he's doing for friends and family - is he being paid for that? Because, if not, that needs to stop and he needs to prioritise spending time with his child.

I’ve never understood the competitive downplaying of birthdays by some people - as long as you’re not expecting a parade in your honour or handing out a gift registry, it’s perfectly fine (and dare I say expected within my circles) to celebrate with family and/or friends. A dinner? A cake? It’s not unreasonable to expect, or at least wish, to spend your birthday with your partner.
Having said that, things come up. People have work, illnesses or other commitments, such as a bucks party. Arrange to spend your birthday with friends or family or book something special for yourself to celebrate the day. Tell your partner that the w/e after will be your belated birthday celebration and have a great time together then.

Hi op

I originally thought you we’re massively unreasonable but after reading your replies I think that your birthday is the least of your concerns.

When you said he works 7 days a week I knew he’d be a tradesman!! I am male and I have seen and been around lads who work 7 day’s with young families.

They are fairly well off and they have nice things but they are escaping from the drudgery of family life. The fact he works for family and friends when no paid work seals the deal for me.

I would be very understanding about his need as a BM to go to the (Jesus 5 day) stag on your birthday. BUT I would expect that you have a lovely spa day with him looking after your child (not his mum/sister) or a really nice family day out together. The month after.

if he is too busy as he’s been away for 5 days or that you need the money I think you have your answer x

I have dropped it, we havent argued about it or anything. I just said oh ok, that’s disappointing. And he apologised and said it’s not up to him which date it’s organised for. I said he could’ve said he can’t make that day and he said he didn’t want to make it more difficult because a few people have already said they can’t do certain dates. I left it, and didn’t make a big deal out of it but it’s just how I feel inside, I can’t help feeling a bit miffed and upset. Maybe I am a bit more sensitive at the moment due to being a first time mum and I’m finding it stressful and overwhelming. She is 2 months old so not sure if my hormones are at play or whether it’s a genuine reaction

You are over reacting

Arrange to do something nice that day with your friends or family, so at least you don’t feel your birthdays been written off.

Because he has nothing planned

I get you’re feeling disappointed, OP. Life on mat leave with a 2 month old and your DH working so much with your financial worries must be really hard. Throw sleep deprivation into that and likely still healing from birth, then I understand how you can take something like a birthday as a real treat to look forward to when every other day may feel like real hard work. I hope you feel better soon and your DH can find another way to spoil you.

I understand your disappointment, but also can see that as best man he doesn't want to create problems for the stag.

Is there anything else you could do for your birthday? E.g. go stay at your mums or have a couple of friends round for a takeaway?

It wouldn’t happen in my relationship as we prioritise each other.

I think that this one missed birthday is part of a pattern of you feeling like a low priority for his time, which is why you feel as you do.

You need to rebalance the roles in your family unit: can you share childcare and get some work outside of the home for yourself? If that's too drastic, you need to find a way to carve out time for yourself.

SAHP-ing has its rewards but you eventually suffer from a lack of "me" time, particularly if you don't even get weekends to redress the balance, and now your anticipated birthday "me day" has been cancelled, you feel unimportant.

I suggest you speak to the BF about how you feel and get a cast-iron day in the diary when you will be the priority, so you choose what you do - either time alone, or a family activity etc, and do this 3-4 times each year at least.

I’m going to assume the reason some of the guys can’t do other dates is because of actual grown up issues like work/childcare and not because their partners are being precious about a birthday.

Have a conversation with him and pick another weekend that you can celebrate your birthday together and actually plan/book something.

Spend that weekend celebrating with your family and friends instead.

YABU.

Just tell him what you want to do for your birthday. Eg for the Thursday night before you go away I would like you to take me to x restaurant. For my birthday I would like a jumper and some perfume so do you want to wrap them and leave them here for me?
No point expecting a big birthday celebration immediately after he gets home as he will be hung over.
On your actual birthday if you haven't got anyone to celebrate with then do something nice on your own.
I always get myself a birthday present. This year it's theatre tickets to a show about 2 weeks after my birthday. I'm taking my son but if he wouldn't have come I would have taken my mum or just gone on my own.

i don’t think you are being unreasonable at all op, you are a new mother too. He really should have said he can’t do that weekend I agree and would expect the same.

I also wouldn’t be comfortable being so far down the list of priorities for him. I have never understood the ‘cool mum’ mentality seen on here, in my own real life my friends and I are made to feel special on the one day of the year - especially if we have only just given birth. YANBU at all op.

A non issue. Unless there's something already planned just go out another day

I've changed my vote from YABU to YANBU after reading this update, OP. I understand how you feel!
My DP went to a 5 day stag abroad when my 2nd baby was 5 weeks old, 2nd c-section (and my 1st, 3.5yo) and I was alone with them and had the dog too, and I was quite resentful that he didn't cancel for me. We made a compromise and he booked a cleaner, prep some meals for the freezer and ordered me take aways so I didn't have to cook too much and also booked the dog sitter for every day so I didn't have to walk the dog too long either and that really helped.
Maybe your DP could organise some childcare for your bday while he's away and also some nice meals, flowers, etc. so you can still feel looked after a little bit?