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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend going on a stag do on my birthday

427 replies

Scribbleonapagee · 18/01/2025 07:19

Yesterday, DP informed me that the stag do for his friend is set for the weekend of my birthday. He apologised and said that’s the weekend that most people could do and it’s not up to him. But he is the best man, if he told his friend he can’t do that weekend then I’m sure he’d have changed it! He can have his stag do any time, I can’t change the date of my birthday.

AIBU to be annoyed/upset at this?

OP posts:
Gbishywoo · 19/01/2025 19:59

So I’ve changed my vote to that yanbu
not because it’s your birthday but because he’s working every single day of the week, making no effort to make you actually feel like a human because he’s never there and your home alone with the baby and instead of booking a few days away with you and his new baby he wants to go abroad for 5 nights?
is this in the near future or like a year away?
tbh my husband wouldn’t be going abroad for 5 days if we had a tiny baby 🙄

DoughBallss · 19/01/2025 20:03

If he’s making a habit of going away on my birthday I’d be annoyed but it’s a one off and he’s apologised, you can’t expect a group to work around you. You can do something with your friends or family and celebrate another day

I’m away for a hen on my fiancés birthday this year, same situation we can’t expect 11 people to work around me and it’s the only weekend we can all do. He’s had 8 birthdays with me and a lifetime more to come, my friend having all of her friends together for her hen meant more and he understood that.

Pippyls67 · 19/01/2025 20:12

Yes. Have a bath and a bottle of bubbles. You’ll have a birthday every year. His best mate only gets married once.

ChillyWhiskers · 19/01/2025 20:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MrsMrsD · 19/01/2025 21:36

Are you 5 years old?

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 19/01/2025 21:38

Given that he's best man I'd let him have this one...you can celebrate on a different day.

pollymere · 19/01/2025 22:02

He's the best man. Be kind and let him spoil you rotten the previous weekend.

Flibberteegibbet · 19/01/2025 22:04

Scribbleonapagee · 18/01/2025 07:19

Yesterday, DP informed me that the stag do for his friend is set for the weekend of my birthday. He apologised and said that’s the weekend that most people could do and it’s not up to him. But he is the best man, if he told his friend he can’t do that weekend then I’m sure he’d have changed it! He can have his stag do any time, I can’t change the date of my birthday.

AIBU to be annoyed/upset at this?

If your birthday fell on a Tuesday and the stag was the weekend before or after would you be bothered then? My husband is regularly away for work on our wedding anniversary/Valentine’s Day and has even been away on my birthday but sometimes it just can’t be helped! In the grand scheme of things I don’t think that it’s a massive deal but then we have been together best part of 30 years, I can’t remember how I would felt had we only been together a short time

eternalopt · 19/01/2025 22:33

He's best man. It's not a random friend. And to be really honest, if he said to his friends "sorry I can't make that date. It's my other half's birthday. She doesn't want to do anything but I said I'd be around d so she can have a lie in" I suspect he would've been rinsed! If he's working 7 days a week and doing housework when he gets home, he probably deserves a break too. Not saying it's not hard for you but don't ignore it's hard for him too. Suck it up, earn the brownie points and store them for a nice weekend away yourself when he's back!

Tiswa · 19/01/2025 23:10

eternalopt · 19/01/2025 22:33

He's best man. It's not a random friend. And to be really honest, if he said to his friends "sorry I can't make that date. It's my other half's birthday. She doesn't want to do anything but I said I'd be around d so she can have a lie in" I suspect he would've been rinsed! If he's working 7 days a week and doing housework when he gets home, he probably deserves a break too. Not saying it's not hard for you but don't ignore it's hard for him too. Suck it up, earn the brownie points and store them for a nice weekend away yourself when he's back!

Hopefully though if he did need to say I am sorry we have a new baby I can’t afford a 5 day stag do can we either make it less or I wouldn’t be able to go he wouldn’t be rinsed

all of this pressure could be much less with a shorter holiday - who can afford 5 days!

OhcantthInkofaname · 19/01/2025 23:14

I presume you are an adult. Get over it.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/01/2025 01:15

Is he really going to be working every day during Easter weekend which is in April ? - even the big supermarkets close on Easter Sunday.

so couldn't you plan a lie in then ? if he really really is working 7 days a week

and a ' family ' day too - tho I am not convinced baby is going to get much out of a family day out unless you are hoping you will all go to soft play ?

Bondiblues · 20/01/2025 04:47

What age are you 10? Sometimes you just can't be the centre of attention, even if it is your birthday! Wish the guy's all the best and celebrate being together when he gets back.

Bondiblues · 20/01/2025 05:01

Good luck with hiding your disappointment of being second best! I am so used to it now after 20years of marriage.

WiddlinDiddlin · 20/01/2025 05:13

Mmm..

I don't think its unreasonable to be pissed off to discover that he is putting his mates ahead of you and your child, not for one or two nights.. but for five nights for the event + however many extra days he works to pay for it...

The birthday not so relevant really, choosing to sacrifice time with you and his child in order to go on a jolly is a problem at this point in your relationship.

What he should have done is say:

'Happy to be your best man, but I can't afford the money or the time to go on lengthy stag trips, so if you'd rather pick someone else, please do...'

That would have been the sensible adult thing to do.

NattyTurtle59 · 20/01/2025 05:33

Seriously......... How old are you? Surely you are capable of celebrating your birthday without your boyfriend on the actual day and do something with him on a different day.

BusyMum47 · 20/01/2025 06:54

Strictly1 · 18/01/2025 07:23

It would be a none issue here. I’m an adult and can celebrate another day. Sorry but I’d judge if a friend said we can’t have the hen do that weekend it’s my boyfriend’s birthday.

This! ⬆️

WhatMummyMakesSheEats · 20/01/2025 09:14

The ONLY way this would be reasonable is if it’s a big birthday and you’ve already planned a party.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 20/01/2025 09:41

He's working 7 days so you can be at home for 9 months, but comes back and does house chores?

When does he rest?

Having a baby doesn't stop you doing chores, so when he's home, you can have family time.

Unreasonable for the stag. He should go, you can manage for a few days.

yepyoureright · 20/01/2025 09:58

Seriously, don't worry about it.

You have a birthday every year. A stag do is a one off.

Bernardo1 · 20/01/2025 10:02

Scribbleonapagee · 18/01/2025 09:03

Sorry, its 5 days so they go on Thursday and come back Tuesday. My birthday is on the Saturday

This is absurd!
It's actually 6 days, effectively a week given, I doubt he'll be in any state to work Wednesday.
5 nights getting rat-arsed will be rather expensive, on top of a weeks loss of income, unless he takes leave.

I imagine, the difficulty with dates, is more them also thinking 6 nights is ridiculous, they don't wish to take that much vacation. Groom probably needs to have a one or two night do over a weekend.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/01/2025 11:45

bobbycock79 · 18/01/2025 11:08

At first I was thinking you were being unreasonable and a bit of a diva. Ordinarily, at another stage in life (pre kids or when they are a bit older), of course the stag do should prioritise an adults birthday. However the more information you give about your current circumstances the more I sympathise. At 2 months post partum and basically a single parent in terms of caring for baby of course you're going to be feeling emotional, exhausted and resentful of this additional freedom your partner has planned.

I know from his point of view he deserves this, he's working like a slave and 'doing his bit' by putting food on the table. However I remember those early years (I too had a husband only saw baby on a Sunday due to work) and the unfairness when he felt able to have weekends away (never 5 days though, that's ridiculous). I could never be afforded the same freedom as he was basically a stranger to baby and she would not settle for him and I would have felt guilty.

Take your birthday out of the whole question, you need a break/some support , he needs to take at least one weekend off a month or both you and he are heading for serious problems. This is a tough period and you do have to just 'get through it' but you also need something to look forward to. Tighten your belts as much as possible and try to have a little bit of family time together. With regards to the stag, his best friend should be understanding of his situation, if he loves him and wants him there he should be happy for him to go for 3 nights (more than reasonable in my opinion) and somewhere relatively cheap.

I agree with this.
I think that the birthday v stag do has highlighted the long-term difficulties you are both coping with.
8 week old first baby - which is a huge adjustment
struggle to make sure you can get enough maternity leave
overtime and no time for family time.
Sole responsibility for baby due to heavy work commitments
Little available support.

On one hand he's agreed to be best man and its harder for him to bail on Best Man commitments. He's also probably looking forward to his first break from work in a long time. Perhaps he didn't realise how many there were. You both sound quite young. Perhaps this is the first one he's been to and its a long term friend etc so he feels obliged. But it does sound as though he many not have fully thought thru the cost and time implications. And he needs to do that and work out if he needs to cut back a bit on the trip.

On the other hand if your only planned break (and a lie in and bit of time off from baby is not asking for the moon) was not scheduled to happen until May and is now scuppered I can completely understand why you feel so disappointed.

Things will get better, having your first tiny baby takes a lot of getting used to and you are still very early days.
First off make a new birthday plan - go stay with your mum for the weekend and have a family birthday.
Second off plan a family birthday weekend, where you have breakfast in bed, a lie in and a family day out with baby. In my experience - EVERYTHING seems better in the open air, out of the house... a nice park/cafe / stately home grounds sort of thing (if that doesn't sound too boring) and then maybe a takeaway and movie at home.

Third. You need to find some practical solutions to getting a break from being on baby watch every second. See if your mum can commit to a regular day when you visit her or she visits you - maybe on a day when BF is working. If its regular, whether once a fortnight or once a month, it will be easier for everyone to plan around it. It also helps you to know that there's some help coming up.

When you are more on top of baby's routine, Join some baby groups where you can make baby friends (lol) its a good way to get out of the house and have a break that way. Plan some nice regular walks - we used to go to a garden centre which had a big aquarium - it was all free, calming walk, cafe nearby and the DC loved staring at the fish/plants. Even going to the mall for window shopping was a great distraction. Find some easy local things like that. It will break things up and take some of the pressure off.
Talk to BF and see if he can manage a regular day off - 7 days a week is not sustainable. Also its important for him to have enough time with the baby.

Make sure you are taking good care of your self. Vitamins, healthy food, (nap when baby naps was great advice for me if you've been up all night) don't worry too much about housework etc... that will pick up. Building a good routine helps (that one took me a while to work out)
Everything with young children goes in phases. Sometimes you think I can't cope with this all the time, but remember its phases, they will be onto the next phase and it will be a different challenge but often it's an easier one. so just take it all one day at a time and you'll get through this.

Glitterypolishedturd · 20/01/2025 19:54

I voted YABU, but now I've read all of your posts I can totally understand why you're upset. It's everything altogether - it being your birthday, being promised a well deserved rest in addition to some family time, the (likely large) cost of the Stag do, plus the amount of time he'll be gone for. I'd be really cross in your shoes. Spending so much meaning you'll need to go back to work sooner? Hell no. My husband went on his brother's stag do leaving me with a 3 year old and 6 month old. I wasn't overly pleased, but it was 2 or 3 nights, pretty cheap, and it didn't affect the length of my maternity leave. I got on with it and gave my blessing. Could your husband go for a couple of days and leave early, or suggest a shorter trip to keep costs down?

PeachyPeachTrees · 20/01/2025 20:17

It's disappointing that it clashes especially as It's 5 days away. It's sound more expensive than you can both afford too.

BasicDad · 21/01/2025 00:08

YANBU

Sounds like you're both not really in a situation to afford him going abroad for a stag-do. How much is his trip going to cost in terms of the amount of weekends he's worked?

Not everyone will feel the same, but I personally feel 5 days is excessive to leave you alone with a relative new born. More so that your 7 days a week around the clock.

This should be super easy for him to turn down. Unless he's the best man, then everyone else should be moving their dates to accommodate him.

Added salt in the wound...it's your birthday.