Boyfriend going on a stag do on my birthday

[Scribbleonapagee]

Yesterday, DP informed me that the stag do for his friend is set for the weekend of my birthday. He apologised and said that’s the weekend that most people could do and it’s not up to him. But he is the best man, if he told his friend he can’t do that weekend then I’m sure he’d have changed it! He can have his stag do any time, I can’t change the date of my birthday.

AIBU to be annoyed/upset at this?

I think the point was, he wouldn't say he could not make the date as it would mean him actually parenting.

I’ve honestly never asked him not to go. I’ve asked him if he’d be able to say he can’t make that specific date. His friend hasn’t booked the stag do yet, he has asked in the group chat “what about x date? Who can make it?” And I was hoping DP would say he isn’t available for that, just like some of the other guys have said they aren’t available for other dates. I wouldn’t ever suggest not going!

Just Christ, absolutely not. Why would he even ask - you have a baby that is 8 weeks old. Nope. Absolutely not.

I have been married for decades, and we are happily married because we each had red lines that were respected, we had agreed arrangements about prioritising each other and high standards. You are just at the very beginning, and you are allowed to say this isn’t okay and he needs to put you and the baby first, at least in the short term. You are not asking too much, and even without the birthday this isn’t on with a newborn.

OP, although I voted yabu, I think you have eloquently explained why you feel this way and I think you need to take some actions. He should go on the stag, you have sorted that part out. But he needs to stop tunneling all his efforts into overtime - what's happening? Is he responding to parenthood by feeling pressure to earn more? Are you under a lot of financial pressures?
Tell him you are overwhelmed. Name another weekend as your official birthday and set it in stone. Work out together what you need in terms of personal space to stay ok. Work out how he plans overtime and doesn't burn himself or you out because this is not sustainable. Build a family life.

I’d be more pissed off about this to be honest. Given the fact that he’s working every single weekend when he has a new baby to make ends meet then spending a significant amount of money to go on a holiday with his mates. Not to mention several days annual leave. He is the best man and will have been involved in the planning so will have had some say over the length of the trip. This is what’s out of order. How old will baby be when the trip happens?

Exactly this. I’ve never met anyone IRL who dramatises birthdays the way some MN posters do. Plan a wonderful day with friends and family. Your partner’s friend will hopefully only get married once - don’t spoil his celebrations with drama.

Edited to add that I have just seen your updates and all you wanted was a lie in and a break from the baby. And I am now 💯 on your side! In your first post you sounded like a drama llama but your updates have shown that you are not unreasonable in feeling miffed.

The issue here isn’t your birthday, it’s that he’s fucking off for 5 days when you’re both working so hard that neither of you have any down time in order that you have enough money to take longer mat leave.

Unless you’re also doing a 5 day break on your own somewhere

Sorry, its 5 days so they go on Thursday and come back Tuesday. My birthday is on the Saturday

A stag do is a one-off so of course he should go! Birthdays happen every year and, for adults, are not worth fussing over. My husband and I usually go away - separately - on my birthday, because our hobbies take us to different places at that time of the year.
Don't make such a fuss, OP! If you insist on making your birthday A Thing, either celebrate with friends and/or go out with your partner the following weekend.

Because your birthday is not a big event, that's why. I imagine the friends have bigger reasons for not being available. He would absolutely get the piss taken out of him to say my gf doesn't want me to go because it's her birthday.

You made a financial decision that he would work weekends meaning you are doing the childcare full time. Maybe you need to rethink this arrangement if you are struggling with childcare full time and never seeing each other.

5 days?????? That’s excessive!! When he gets back make sure you book a 5 day birthday holiday with family or friends

It’s good you can see you may be overreacting.

It will have been a nightmare to arrange a stag do date.

Understandably, you want a lie in. That can be the weekend before or afterwards. Along with the special family day you want.

If your partner won’t take that weekend off work as you need the money, since you’re struggling. Then you really need to ask how he is going to pay for this stag do.

Also, if we are just talking about the birthday. DH had his own stag do on my birthday. You’re making quite an unnecessarily big issue out of this

Is it 5 days abroad, a weekend, or 1 night then? It's not very clear.

What I mean to say is: for me, the question is why is he going on this five day stag do at all, not why is he going on your birthday. You have a baby and finances are tight. Presumably he'll not only be paying out for the holiday but also losing pay to attend.

Thank you for being understanding (and to everyone else who has been as well, I am reading all of the comments). She will be 6 months old as it’s happening in may

Five days is much too long with a baby. The money and annual leave involved is excessive.

Is he doing so much over time to avoid helping at home? Or are you struggling financially as it is?

A stag do for 5 days abroad when he can’t get one day with his family is a massive piss take imo.
That’s 5 days income lost and probably the same spent on top.

It’s not a necessity and your dp cannot afford to go.

OP, I think you handled it well. And you’re allowed to be disappointed — although I agree with other posters that your DP isn’t in the wrong here (especially as he apologised and explained). At two months, your hormones will most definitely be all over the place, and you’re still trying to find your way as a new mum. It IS stressful and overwhelming and it can be the tiniest thing that seems like the last straw. (I remember crying into my lunch when my DH was watching a cricket match; I felt so alone…) Do you have a good support network? It doesn’t sound as though you’re getting much time to yourself at all atm, and we all need that. And maybe you and your DP could plan something nice for when he gets back from the stag do?
Hang on in there; it does get easier.
Sending hugs. X

Then it isn’t about your birthday it’s about asking him to give you a weekend off some time that suits you both. Personally I think that expecting people to big you up on your birthday is bizarre once you’re an adult

You'd already told him you want the weekend of your bday off in May? 🤔

That's absolutely ages away. You made it sound like this is coming up in the next few weeks whilst baby is still very little.

I think this thread just shows that we are clearly all different and have different boundaries. This wouldn't bother me one bit, but I've been single since my son was 3 months old so the idea of being on my own for 5 days with a baby doesn't daunt me. '
That being said it probably would if I'd have had a partner. I love the idea of having a partner and living in separate houses - that's other people's nightmare. I think YABU but that's only based on my boundaries, opinion and experiences.

I would be a bit annoyed. Birthdays are super important to me (back story of mother who doesn’t show emotion / love and I’m the forgotten middle child). Birthdays where the only time people seemed to care. So I get people saying you’re an adult or why do you care…sometimes there’s a history why.

OP let him go but plan something the weekend before or after with him. Then your actual birthday weekend plan something with a friend or friends. Make the most of it and have a birthday week!

Her dp is in the wrong, he should make it clear that 5 days abroad is too long and too expensive.
But he won’t because ‘mates.’
The op and her dp could have a nice break away with the baby for what this will cost.