Boyfriend going on a stag do on my birthday

[Scribbleonapagee]

Yesterday, DP informed me that the stag do for his friend is set for the weekend of my birthday. He apologised and said that’s the weekend that most people could do and it’s not up to him. But he is the best man, if he told his friend he can’t do that weekend then I’m sure he’d have changed it! He can have his stag do any time, I can’t change the date of my birthday.

AIBU to be annoyed/upset at this?

Bride is my step daughter. I have since remarried. My now hubby was a groomsman to his friend and the stag was the sane day as her wedding. The stag was booked on a date that the majority could do, so he had to go. If he hadn’t been a grooms man he wouldn’t have gone.
Reading the whole of the OP I feel she needs a break and that’s more of the issue. I take back the previous statement, but it seems you need to talk to him!

I haven't read the whole thread but you say he's working 7 days a week to make ends meet but then he's spending a load of money on a 5 day stag. That suggests he's not struggling as much as he's telling you.
You said you do most of the parenting does your DP actually have a bond with your baby? Perhaps he was relieved this weekend for the stag came up as he was worried about looking after your DD and that's why he didn't say he had plans?
I would be a bit upset tbh, especially as you were looking forward to a day off but I really hope he does make up for it the following weekend.

Poor guy, but then I suppose if he chose to have a girlfriend that’s super needy and acts like a 5 year old I guess it’s up to him. Anyway, hopefully you can find some friends to enjoy the soft play centre with.

Being a joiners quite different.

My last point is this op.

You and dp have organised to do something on your birthday. You were looking forward to it because it’s one of the only times you will be together as a family. As he works constantly. For you this was something to really look forward to, and now he has given it away for a stag do.

I would be hurt and upset, it’s not the birthday so much as the time and something to look toward to amid the exhaustion and slog of early motherhood. I completely get it, as do so many of us. You deserve better op. No doubt his friends have prioritised their own families why can’t dp?

If you actually had read it, it was also becuase they were 8k in debt and now they’re making savings. They had discussed it and that’s what they decided he should do.

They had no plans!!! Where is peoples reading comprehension

Next time read the OPs updates before posting. You can select them.

They have a young baby and are very tight for cash. Her DP is proposing to go away on a 5 night overseas stag do which also coincides with her birthday.

Still think your post stands. She is literally being left holding the baby and may have to cut her Mat Leave short if this trip uses too much of their limited savings.

She sounds like the adult here not her DP.

Yes they did! If you READ ops message it said they had made plans for the day.

’But on my birthday we had discussed what we were going to do on the day and I was looking forward to it. While we didn’t have “booked” plans, we had still agreed to do something on that date’

So he would rather cut ops mat leave down and go on a stag do, because that’s the hard choice isn’t it.
This man has his priorities all wrong that’s for sure. Stag dos are ten to a penny, and op will never get this time back with their baby again, it’s very selfish.

Changed my response because i read some updates which i hadn't before i commented. If he insists on going while you're struggling for money, then it has to come out of his pocket, it's that simple. Also, when he comes back, choose any weekend and take yourself somewhere for the weekend alone while he looks after baby from Friday night to sunday night

In what way?

So how is he able to afford a 5 day stag do then? How is that making a saving?

not big plans or anything booked but it sounds like to the op and what her and her partner agreed to was just a quiet family day, which I get doesn’t sound like official plans or anything important, but I’ve read it in the context that due to his working hours, they rarely have any time together - the plan, as minimal as others view it - has already been made months in advance just for them to spend family time together which highlights how little this happens. She’s a new mum and probably feeling a bit overwhelmed so was looking forward to her birthday.
I don’t think she’s out of order for feeling a bit upset by this, she’s said she hasn’t made it an issue with her partner just that the stag dates clashing is disappointing.

i don’t think a birthday trumps a stag do, especially as the best man, it’s unfortunate but realistic that dates will likely be difficult to meet everyone’s needs and unfortunately for op it means her birthday can’t be accommodated, if she makes a fuss about it to her partner then that’s unreasonable. Accepting the circumstances but just asking if anyone else would feel disappointed by this isn’t being unreasonable

Maybe my standards are just higher than yours. The baby will be 6 months old - teething, weaning, night waking - it’s a really challenging time. It’s not like it’s a toddler who can articulate their needs. It’s a completely dependent and somewhat vulnerable baby.

By OP’s own admission she does “pretty much all of the parenting stuff. I get up in the night etc and never get a break”.

So her DP appears to do very little for the baby therefore will not be attuned to the baby’s cues, what the baby needs, how to settle the baby, especially when distressed (which let’s face it, can be a lot of the time when teething).

There’s no way I could have enjoyed myself being away from any of my DC for days at that stage if their father had not been significantly involved in their care and tuned into the baby’s cues etc.

But as I say, maybe that’s just me. I would feel rather neglectful if I left a 6 month baby with a virtual stranger - ok, he’s the baby’s dad, but he doesn’t actually “know” them as he doesn’t appear to spend any time with them. (That is itself not an issue as needs must and many families will be in a similar position- but it doesn’t mean leaving the baby for days with someone not used to caring for them is okay when it’s not essential - and any 5 day jolly is never essential).

@Cunningfungus how spiteful and sanctimonious.

Care to expand on this? In what way am I being spiteful? I’m expressing an opinion.

I’m not sure you understand the meaning of “sanctimonious” to have used it in this way?

Add supercilious and patronising to the list.

I don’t do drip feeds I’m afraid, far too many post where an OP doesn’t get the response they want and then somehow remember some vitally crucial information that completely changes the picture. Yeah, I’m sure it’s all true.

Yep
Happens all the time

The 5 day stag is a bit excessive if you're short on cash being on mat leave. However the fact it's on your birthday isn't his fault (I assume it's a very good friend if he's spending that amount with a young baby, not some randomer from the pub).
I'd try and separate the two. Postpone the weekend you wanted until gets back.

Well done for knowing some big words 😄

But you didn’t answer my question as to why I am spiteful and sanctimonious?

Thank you, sweetheart

Still no answer?

@Tetchypants @Cunningfungus

It’s like seeing a spat between two year 11 girls! 😆