Was I taken advantage of and groomed?

[WineAndCheese25]

Good evening, sorry it is late but I am so confused.
I was a part of women’s refuge up until 4 weeks ago. I have engaged in a relationship with a male that works for the organisation as a paid employee. This individual has spun me a story and promised me the world and I have been thinking for the last 8 months we have been in a relationship. I am a high risk MAREC victim of domestic violence and abuse, the male was aware of this but we did some how end up in a sexual relationship. I am very much in love with this individual but now it has all come to light he has denied any involvement saying I am an obsessed stalker 😪 I am just looking for advice or a hand hold please just anything to help me

I have reported it personally now to the local authority purely because of course he shouldn’t be able to work in a setting which houses vulnerable women again. Hopefully the organisation has already done so but just incase they haven’t.

In this context it’s everything to do with their place of employment. How have you missed that part??

Some people don’t actually read the thread

So because he worked and the op was there and chose to sleep with him they will just hand over private papers?

Thank you for reporting to the LA.

It's only by reporting that this might prevent him going on to work somewhere else to get access to vulnerable people.

Oh don’t be so stupid.

The point is she didn’t have the power in that situation to give informed consent. He misused his position to take advantage of her, so her choice was not informed. She has the right to know the outcome/ whether he kept his job even if not seeing private information. Why are you trying to defend this man and imply the situation was in any way normal and acceptable?

He has no excusable defence! He abused his position of power. He's a toerag and that's why he denied it when faced with losing his job.

You should consider going to the police OP. I'm assuming the refuge and safe house were run by a charity who will probably try and cover it up. It looks bad on them and could affect the donations they receive if it comes out. The moral toss up for you is to consider whether you think the charity has taken it seriously and will look to change their organisation after this to protect women. They helped you through a bad time in your life and going to the police etc could make for bad publicity for them. Womens refuges are already chronically underfunded and there just aren't enough of them. I don't envy your position at all. I think I would speak to them and ask for reassurance that they are going to make sure this doesn't happen to anyone else. Ask them what changes they plan to make to their organisation etc. Let them know they you aren't going to go away.

I love this comment, this is why I have put off contacting the police because they do amazing things for women however I just don’t feel satisfied with the care they have offered afterwords but I would not want the funding to be affected. I suppose I just want to know he has been held accountable, that I was believed and that he knows how serious his actions were. This has turned my life upside down all over again, having an abortion and believing this man actually loved me 😪

This is extremely inappropriate and he is taking advantage of his position and of your in a vulnerable time. He will loose his job. You don’t have anything that could incriminate him at all? Ie a text message, what’sapp, call history? Details about him you shouldn’t otherwise know? Anything at all? Surely there’s something

I know @WineAndCheese25 , he should be punished for what he has done but in the meantime I really hope the charity can provide you with the reassurances you need to be able to move on with your life. You deserve to be happy. I know you have probably had some in the past but maybe some counselling will help you to deal with some of those difficult feelings. Good luck with everything. 💐

Yes, all this has been provided to them and I did post an update yesterday saying I had an email saying he had been sacked now. I was just annoyed with the duty of care I have received from the organisation since I made the disclosure and the lack of communication being told one thing and then another. I will put it to bed now and leave it as it is

The OP has said she’s got loads of evidence from photos to text messages.
They won’t just lose their funding they will be closed down if they don’t affect the changes that they need to make. It’s not a matter of him realising how serious his actions were. He already knows that. he chose to work in a place where vulnerable women were and he chose to start a relationship with a vulnerable woman.

Thank you so much. I appreciate that more than you will know, I finally have the outcome and now I just have to accept that it wasn’t real to him and move on.

Oh that’s good. Their communication might’ve been a bit rubbish as, until he was found to be ‘guilty’ they probably still had his GDPR to consider. Doesn’t excuse their lack of care towards you though. These organisations make horrendous mistakes all the time. Find out who they are regulated by and go directly to them. Ie care quality commission, for example. If you really want to go for the jugular.

I feel like it honestly but then I think what is that going to achieve for me? It’s not going to bring back the months I wasted or the money I wasted on hotels, gifts and meals out. I am annoyed they haven’t supported me at all but I honestly just don’t want to ruin the organisation which is why I haven’t named them on the thread

its entirely up to you, you’ve been through enough stress. But it might not be about ruining the organisation as such, but it might just help them protect other future service users?

How awful for you OP. If you feel up to it, reporting him to the police would be worthwhile. He presumably needs an enhanced DBS for this kind of work, and having a reportable trail of evidence regarding his behaviour might prevent him from working in a similar setting in future.

Where do your children fit into all of this? Are you able to properly care for them now and keep them safe and secure from unsuitable men?

There is always one. Honestly the man had an enhanced dbs worked for an organisation supporting vulnerable women how was I to know he was actually just one big liar and narcissist. How were my children put in any danger?

That poster is being harsh, but I think what she is getting at is that it didn't occur to you that a man working with vulnerable women should not have intimate relationships with vulnerable women (because of your own vulnerabilities). You saw nothing wrong with it at the time. Your children are susceptible to harm if you are not able to identify—what is clear to many people—exploitative/manipulative/bad men. It is a genuine concern, and one women lose their children over. That isn't the case here because he wasn't targetting your children (as far as we know), but it easily could have been.

I truly hope you and your children can heal especially as you are away from this despicable person. I hope he gets fired. As others have said concentrate on you and your children for the foreseeable future. You are still very vulnerable. Good luck for the future.

I have appreciated all of your responses on this. Thank you for all of your advice I think I am going to leave the matter as it is now and just move on, the organisation don’t actually owe me anything as I am no longer using their services