Was I taken advantage of and groomed?

[WineAndCheese25]

Good evening, sorry it is late but I am so confused.
I was a part of women’s refuge up until 4 weeks ago. I have engaged in a relationship with a male that works for the organisation as a paid employee. This individual has spun me a story and promised me the world and I have been thinking for the last 8 months we have been in a relationship. I am a high risk MAREC victim of domestic violence and abuse, the male was aware of this but we did some how end up in a sexual relationship. I am very much in love with this individual but now it has all come to light he has denied any involvement saying I am an obsessed stalker 😪 I am just looking for advice or a hand hold please just anything to help me

No he is not but why do you assume that the OP is lying or if she isn’t and it was consensual that it isn’t his responsibility to not take advantage of a vulnerable woman.

I hate when men are automatically said to be at fault for every little thing or assumed to be bad people but the OP has come on here for support and to understand what happened to her.

Yes, and good to follow it through with a complaint.

Op, you are clearly a vulnerable person; take extra care of yourself. Dwell on your increasing strength and independence and caring for your children for a few years.

Thankyou.

I did not come here to bash this man, I genuinely loved him and thought we were going to have this picture perfect life, like he said we would. I came on here like you said to try and understand what had happened from other people’s perspectives. It’s not always easy to see the picture when you are living in it

Well done for reporting. Just take some time now to be you before you think about another relationship. You need to put yourself first.

If this is the case, take evidence, photos ect straight to the police, not mumsnet. This man probably has a family. This needs to be sorted straight away. Not like this

I’m sorry but can you read the actual thread!

I reported to the organisation presented photographs, evidence of phone calls from his work phone and personal phone and also messages between both of us. I have left it with the organisation to deal with as promised however they have failed to deliver on what they said. Hence the reason I asked for advice on here, what law has been broken? Could you please let me know and I will certainly report to the police, however if his wife that he still very much lives with isn’t aware at this point, you can bet she will be aware once the police go to his house!

You clearly have zero idea what you are talking about, and the OP is a human being with feelings, not someone for you to try to pick holes in like some sad armchair detective yelling at a true crimes show.

There is a wealth of information available online you can go pick through like carrion if you really are interested in abuse of power, and how this relationship was one. There's also shedloads of free safeguarding training to help you understand why what happened was so very wrong. You could also look up empathy, and see if a Google search can find you some.

You should feel fucking ashamed of yourself going after a victim. You're disgusting.

Thank you

This was the storyline for the most recent series of Shetland.

Huh?

@Raynexxbow I call troll.

The amount of support I’ve received on here definitely outweighs that one persons small minded opinion.

There is no defence for working at a women’s shelter and starting a relationship with one of the service users. That’s basic safeguarding, FFS. The rest of the history is just horrific.

I kind of agree. Morally he is in the wrong but I don’t believe it’s a police matter as people are suggesting. I’m not sure a tradesman/repairs person can be described as being in a position of power as such.

Even the cleaning staff at a college, even the grounds team, are barred from having relationships with the students. Even if the student is 18.
If the organisation isn’t taking any responsibility then the OP could absolutely go to police for advice. (Yes, I know it isn’t a college, but within this work context it’s completely inappropriate to start a relationship with the service users, and this man would have known that and targeted her deliberately. He has probably done it before and if not stopped, will continue to do it again.)

I fully agree, and happy to be wrong, but I don’t think a crime has been committed.

Was he employed by the refuge, or a sub contractor?

Employed by the refuge as head of health and safety

That must be way for you to get a definitive answer about whether a crime has been committed if you do not want to go to the police could you go to a woman’s advice centre and find out.

OP has already had her own life destroyed. Look up the words grooming and vulnerable.

This man has denied the relationship despite photographic evidence.

Stop blaming OP.

This is my exact thoughts now that he has done this before and will do this again if he does stay working for the organisation.

Exactly. It is comments like this that will stop women reporting stuff feeling they won’t be believed.

I had an email today stating that he has had his contract terminated with the organisation but I am not entitled to any documents relating to the matter

Of course you are not, you slept with someone it is nothing to do with their place of employment

That's good! The documents held about him belong to the organisation. He can request access to them but no one else can. That's normal.

If they haven’t told you what they’re putting in place to stop him working with vulnerable people again then you do need to go to the police and/or take advice