Was I taken advantage of and groomed?

[WineAndCheese25]

Good evening, sorry it is late but I am so confused.
I was a part of women’s refuge up until 4 weeks ago. I have engaged in a relationship with a male that works for the organisation as a paid employee. This individual has spun me a story and promised me the world and I have been thinking for the last 8 months we have been in a relationship. I am a high risk MAREC victim of domestic violence and abuse, the male was aware of this but we did some how end up in a sexual relationship. I am very much in love with this individual but now it has all come to light he has denied any involvement saying I am an obsessed stalker 😪 I am just looking for advice or a hand hold please just anything to help me

You have most certainly been abused. I am in Women's Refuge too. You have all my sympathy. The staff here are not even allowed to give us gifts, much less have a relationship beyond a 'helping' relationship which is boundried for everyone's safety. Are people actually believing him?

Can I suggest the you write to your MP about all of this? Heads need to roll. Just Google write to your MP, it's really easy and quick. They will speak to the top brass of this organisation and ensure none of this is minimised. I doubt legal advice would be more effective iin making sure this is dealt with as the head of the charity will not enjoy having to explain this. Say what evidence you have, especially any that relates to him knowing about the abortion or pressuring you into it :(

@Youngheartsalittletogetherness thank you

@Bodybutterblusher I think they believe me but she hasn’t actually come out and said it. It’s been such a rollercoaster journey with ups and downs, the lady in charge is apparently coming to give me all the paperwork on Monday but I’ll be honest I feel like they’ve given no support, no genuine concern about what’s happened and how it’s made me feel. Do you think the MP would get involved in a matter like this?

I'm so sorry OP. The refuge will now be working through a number of different policies and procedures at once, which can make things confusing. That might be why you've felt like you had mixed messages about whether they would need to speak to him again. Sometimes in small charities the management are dealing with a situation for the first time, and finding their way.

One of the policies they are following will be their employment & disciplinary policies. They have to collect evidence and give him a chance to respond as part of their investigation, presumably into gross misconduct.

Then they will have to examine their safeguarding policies because they allowed a vulnerable person to be groomed and abused by their employee, seemingly over a fairly long period of time. That's a bigger investigation, involving lots more people and probably also looking at any other women he could have affected.

They will be looking at damage control, how much they have to divulge to their funders and prevention for the future.

It's probably a lot of scared people, hoping the blame doesn't land on them.

But that does not excuse their lack of compassion and support now that it's come to light!

Depends who your MP is I would imagine. Some are very supportive and some are very much not interested.

@UnhappyAndYouKnowIt wow I didn’t think of it like that but that does make a lot of sense

She was in a safe house after fleeing to a refuge. She should have had that help

@CultureAlienationBoredomandDespair i missed this comment but yeah as said above I was in a safe house I didn’t place my children around another abuser, I didn’t see it as abuse at the time it was happening it was only when I told somebody and they said he had abused his position did I sit and think he actually did

I worked in a service that gets a lot of MP contact the service I worked for was more about blocked drains and wheelie bins than abuse survivors so I’m not up on that. But I can say that all the MPs I’ve come into contact with are quite engaged and will Step up and help. I was really surprised because it would never have occurred to me to ask my mp for help. But they do get stuff done.

You were a vulnerable adult and he broke safeguarding guidelines as an employee by entering into a relationship with you.
This is in no way your fault as you were classed as vulnerable as the time which means your personal boundaries and spaces needed to be kept safe by those employed to look after you.

This man needs to be investigated as he clearly knoiws how to manipulate and lie. If the organisation won't do it please report to the LADO. You can find the number of the local LADO on your county councils website. Just google it.

Good luck x

This is the Middlesbrough guidance (just so you can see what they do), but if you google there will be a similar LADO reporting web page near to you.

https://www.middlesbrough.gov.uk/adult-social-care/abuse-and-safeguarding/local-authority-designated-officer-lado-adults/

I tried to give a counsellor a small Christmas gift {a woman} and she said they were not allowed to accept anything from a client.

Edit..and counsellors were not allowed to give clients things, either.

Boundaries have to be strict for everyone's safety.

CEO is now not bringing me any documentation because she’s busy so may get it to me tomorrow 🤯

Yes I absolutely do. It is the easiest way to open doors quickly. They like to feel useful.

I would not get hung up on documentation. You don't want this to take your time and energy. Focus on healing and moving forward. I understand you need accountability and you're doing the right thing there but the most important thing is that you are free to enjoy your day today. I would write to your MP as they will certainly be the one who needs to read that documentation and they will be asking for it and then do something kind to yourself.

Hi I’m back again, I’ve still had no outcome of this nor received any after care from the service. CEO has left her position. Any advice on next steps?

Report to police?

Go to the police

Didn't you ask about this a couple of months ago?

I've no experience with legalities of your situation, but just because the current CEO has left does not mean it should be dropped. Someone must be doing the role. I would try and find out who it is and email them asking for an update, why it is taking so long and whyyou have not been kept up to date.
I would also say you are contacting the police to report his behaviour.

Local safeguarding, as you are a vulnerable adult and he abused his position within the organisation.
Can anyone like Woman's Aid help because you need someone fighting your corner. (It is exhausting trying to do this alone).

Women's aid is a good idea, especially in terms of emotional support.

Someone above suggested writing to your MP and that may also be helpful in pushing for a response.

Do you mean when OP was pregnant?

You can ring adult services on Monday and ask them for guidance, or contact a local domestic abuse charity (if there is a different one to the one who provided the refuge), or go and see the police.