Was I taken advantage of and groomed?

[WineAndCheese25]

Good evening, sorry it is late but I am so confused.
I was a part of women’s refuge up until 4 weeks ago. I have engaged in a relationship with a male that works for the organisation as a paid employee. This individual has spun me a story and promised me the world and I have been thinking for the last 8 months we have been in a relationship. I am a high risk MAREC victim of domestic violence and abuse, the male was aware of this but we did some how end up in a sexual relationship. I am very much in love with this individual but now it has all come to light he has denied any involvement saying I am an obsessed stalker 😪 I am just looking for advice or a hand hold please just anything to help me

This, op.

He is a predetor and needs to be fired from working with women in a safe house, but you really need to not attach yourself to a man until you are well beyond recovered.

was this man near your children?

Hold on to that feeling and don't allow it to happen again.
OP, I'm saying that to be kind! Sometimes we all need a proverbial kick up the arse.
You need to be angry at him taking advantage of a vulnerable mother, and not just pissed off because he's no longer reciprocating your feelings.

You may want to contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0800 2000247. This is run by Refuge who have no men in survivor facing roles.

Thank you everybody for all advice

Yes you were groomed. He should lose his job (and if it were up to me, go to prison).

This will happen when males are employed in women’s refuges. No surprises there. But sorry this happened to you.

He sounds like a predator, exploiting your vulnerability and disrespecting boundaries. You should make a formal complaint, at very least unprofessional at worst criminal behaviour.

it is being investigated and I should hear the outcome within 7 days I’m presuming he will lose his job

Does he know where you live now?

That's shocking and I'm sorry you're going through this. At a time when you're most vulnerable. He should be ashamed.

The police can tell if a photo is photoshopped or not. They can also take both your phones and look into all deleted things and find things on his phone he thinks are gone for good.

He's scum. The ceo seems like she may try and protect him. Seek legal advice.

He does yes

Im going to get some legal advice Monday to make sure this doesn’t get brushed under the carpet and make sure procedure has been followed. I never thought of it in a negative way until I actually sat and thought he could have done this numerous times before me

Yes, you were taken advantage of. The problem with the relationship is the inherent power dynamic - even though you're both adults, he is in a position of care over you. It's inappropriate for someone who is meant to be looking after you to be romantically involved with you, b/c of that power dynamic. It's the same reason why the boss of a company shouldn't date his junior.

That's terrible. If you can face it, you should report him to the police. He is a coward and a liar. So you know now he can't be trusted. He should never have allowed the relationship to take place. And to accuse you of being a stalker is the lowest thing.
I really hope you can move on with your life and things get better for you x

As part of the investigation I would expect he has been shown the evidence and given an opportunity to respond to it. It's a general principle and part of normal procedure in employment that an employee is entitled to know what has been alleged and to have the opportunity to respond. I don't know what you mean about having been lied to or about not being given documentation.

@Abitofalark so my first statement was shared with him and he gave his counter statement, they then asked to speak to me again and requested any evidence I had. I was reluctant but they said when they had that they wouldn’t need to speak with him again they would be able to submit my statement his and all evidence to a panel for review. They said I would be receiving his statement which I still haven’t seen and a pack containing all documentation which I haven’t received either

Ah, so they are going through the procedure but you haven't received the statement yet or the other papers so they may still be working on the case and it doesn't have to mean they're lying or have taken his side.

You fear that they are but a case like this is extremely serious for an organisation looking after vulnerable women seeking refuge from domestic abuse and violence and I would expect them to treat it as such.

You could always remind them politely that you haven't yet received his statement and ask for a progress update and when you can expect it and the associated documentation. In the meantime, you can seek information and advice about procedure from ACAS - they have a website or you can phone them - or ask the CAB or a local law centre or Women's Aid to help and support you.

Dear op, please don't feel stupid, you aren't stupid at all. Predictors like this take advantage of women in vulnerable situations and choose who to get involved with accordingly. This is not your fault, he's just pathetic and a piece of shit. I wish you the best in the future.

I was just reading about the disgusting (and famous) predator Neil Gaiman. He did things like this to lots of people over decades before it came to light. None of it was their fault.

This is horrifying. There is nowhere at all that we are safe from them. Nowhere.

I am so sorry, OP. This man is utterly despicable. I hope he gets destroyed and you can move forward and live well.

What a horrible story. That's just awful OP. I wish you the best going forward

I think you should report it to someone outside of the organisation. The CEO has an interest in this disappearing.
Report it to social services or your local authority as well. It should be properly dealt with, with external scrutiny. Not just the CEO.

I am going to contact women’s aid

Hopefully you get the help you need as if you didn't have enough to contend with that man shouldn't be anywhere near vulnerable women.
Wishing you all the best for the future.

Another one who agrees the CEO may bury this.
Good idea to contact Women's Aid, stay strong x

He completely did and should face very serious consequences but saying that the OP did nothing wrong is not true. She placed her children, who are far more vulnerable than her in an awful position where they were exposed to another abuser. The OP needs help to ensure that she can keep her children safe.