To not want my 2.5yo staying overnight without us

[Bounty9]

DD is 2.5yo and MIL is always asking to have her overnight. I have said yes a couple of times in the last year for our anniversary and a big birthday, but apparently it isn’t enough.

It’s not that she’s a bad sleeper, or I don’t trust MIL. I just hate being apart from her at night. I don’t really have a better excuse than that.

MIL looks after DD one day a week (which we are of course very grateful for) so it’s not like she doesn’t have time with her. Her argument is SIL (her daughter) allows her boys (4yo and 6mo) to stay twice a month.

I appreciate the thought behind it, and she did stay over for a night last August, but I didn’t enjoy being away from her and said to DH that I didn’t feel comfortable doing it again until she’s older and asks for it herself. DH (and others) think I’m crazy for turning it down.

YABU - let MIL have her overnight more often
YANBU - waiting a few more years won’t hurt

YABU, I would have loved this opportunity, take some time to yourself

Totally your choice!

Never needed a break myself.. Youngest dc is 10...slept out about 5 times. His choice.
Remember mil had her dc.... She doesn't need to replay motherhood with your dc... And you don't need to allow it.

Most likely it's to tell her friends she is invaluable to you....

Your choice but I think YABU. You obviously trust MIL or she wouldn't mind her at all. This is your issue. Sleepovers are an adventure for kids.

Your kids, your choice (and theirs to a certain extent when they get older and actually ask).

If you don’t feel comfortable, or would rather your DD didn’t stay overnight, don’t let her - she’s still well young. It’s supremely irrelevant what SIL allows to happen with her children: you are your DD’s mother, and MIL can want all she likes: she had her turn being a mother, and as a grandmother, she needs to take her cue from you (and I write this as a grandmother myself). I’m sure when your DD is a little older, you’ll jump at the opportunity, but for now, it’s fine to prefer not to let her sleep over.

What does your DC think?

The thing is @Thiswayorthatway I do have time to myself. I have Friday off when she is at pre-school so I have a whole day, and DH has every other Friday, so we use it as a date day. I don’t feel as though I’m missing that element whatsoever - if I said yes more often it would purely be to appease MIL. I ask DD if she wants to sleep at her house and she says ‘I want to sleep at nana’s house with mummy’.

We get along great and have a really good relationship, I just struggle being apart from DD overnight and feel like she’s still so little. I definitely wouldn’t oppose when she’s older and can at least communicate a bit better.

So it’s ok when it suits you but not otherwise? Not very consistent.

You are the parent here, be honest and say 'It's not you , its me. I don't feel comfortable with her with away overnight.'. She cannot compare you to SIL. That is not fair. Curious to know how often MIL sent her kids away for the night

It's a shame you don't want to have a night away with just you abd your husband.

Mine have never stayed anywhere because I like their company and being responsible for them.

If they ever asked then depending where I'd let them once they hit about 5/6 + but they never did!

It's totally your choice - my DS is 5 and I've never given into pleadings from my PILs (and the occasional request from my DPs) although I think this year is the first time that I will but only because DH and I might both have work commitments/travels on the same night in the Feb half term. DS is completely comfortable with both sets of grandparents and has a great relationship with them so it's not adversely impacted anything.

YANBU I hate being away from mine too. We've had a few nights away but it's been in the context of someone coming to our house, we put baby to bed, go out, come back in the wee hours.

While I’m with you that it’s important for mum to be close to child. I do think you have to look at the bigger picture. A child needs more than just you and if you were ill or hospitalised or something happened to you she might have to stay and grandmas and that would be less traumatic if she was more used to it. It is hard though I don’t like being apart from mine on the rare occasions dh and I have been away for the night

apparently it isn’t enough. - enough for whom and for what?

I hate these threads where a grandparent is behaving as if having a child overnight is some sort of right rather than something they might do to help out when asked. What is this about? I simply don't get it. And I am grandma to 7.

What?

I've currently got my 18 month old DGS staying the night, had a last minute message from DS to ask if we wanted to have him. When I got home from work DGS & DH had trashed the house & were having a blast! It's such a lovely thing I'd be gutted if 'DIL' took issue with us having him. Op it's lovely for both of them, please let it happen a little more, though obvs you're in your rights to do as you please cos you're mum.

And for the 'grandmothers had their time' - sod off lol. I'm 46 with no desire to parent a child, I want to GRANDparent one which is entirely different...which is why he was allowed an m&m before bed 😜. This anti-grandparents thing seems squarely aimed at MIL & never the maternal side...

She has 3 children and never let any of them stay overnight when they were little and now says as a grandparent she realises how much hers missed out on because of that. Maybe this is just something I’m only going to realise when (if) I become a grandparent too…

I just hate the thought of her waking in the middle of the night asking for me and I’m not there.

Maybe your DH thinks you are crazy for turning it down as he'd actually like to have a child free night with you? Have you asked him why he said that?

I get it @Caerulea - although I wouldn’t want her at my mums either. I actually trust MIL more than my mum 😂

YANBU. Generally children like being in their own beds near their own parents. It’s fine to have nights away for leisure or necessity if you want / need them, but it certainly isn’t something you have to agree to just because your MIL would enjoy it.

It's your child, you get to decide where she goes and where she sleeps. If you want her with that's totally fine. She'll be grown up in the blink of an eye.

DD doesn’t want another sleepover for now, she’s said so and she has a day a week with MIL already. You don’t want her away. So don’t do it. Plenty of time for sleepovers.

My DD is 5 and besotted by my mum, they’re peas in a pod and love each other to bits and see each other at least once a week but DD doesn’t want to stay away from home and my mum hasn’t ever suggested it as she knows DD would ask if she wanted to.

Not all of us “need a break” or want one. It’s as healthy and normal to want to be with your kids at night as it is to want a break.

YANBU. Don’t spend a night away from your child unless you want to. My MIL used to ask for this and I found it weird.

My DM would offer to have DD to stay if it helped us out, eg as extended babysitting if DH and I had been invited to a wedding or something which was away from home. The rest of the time she loved seeing her but was happy for me and DH to be there at the same time, because why shouldn’t she be? Whereas MIL would be desperate to have DD at hers without parents “so I can have her all to myself”. Almost like she was playing at having a baby again. It felt weird and I was never comfortable with it.