To not want my 2.5yo staying overnight without us

[Bounty9]

DD is 2.5yo and MIL is always asking to have her overnight. I have said yes a couple of times in the last year for our anniversary and a big birthday, but apparently it isn’t enough.

It’s not that she’s a bad sleeper, or I don’t trust MIL. I just hate being apart from her at night. I don’t really have a better excuse than that.

MIL looks after DD one day a week (which we are of course very grateful for) so it’s not like she doesn’t have time with her. Her argument is SIL (her daughter) allows her boys (4yo and 6mo) to stay twice a month.

I appreciate the thought behind it, and she did stay over for a night last August, but I didn’t enjoy being away from her and said to DH that I didn’t feel comfortable doing it again until she’s older and asks for it herself. DH (and others) think I’m crazy for turning it down.

YABU - let MIL have her overnight more often
YANBU - waiting a few more years won’t hurt

Omg I'd JUMP at this opportunity, BUT it's your decision OP. Would your DD enjoy it do you think? If so, it may be time to put her needs before yours, but if not then keep her at home.

I can never understand the obsession with mils wanting dgc alone or for sleep overs !
I'm the same as you I don't want or need to be away from mine, mil always asked to have dd on her own even said she can't form a relationship with her unless she has her alone ! X

Well I can’t even remotely understand or relate to you if I’m honest but it’s up to you and your choice .

They're only really little for such a short time. I don't really think you're being unreasonable. Maybe give MIL a specific age by which you will review the frequency. I get that she wants to build up a relationship with her grandchild but it sounds like she has plenty of contact.

Interaction between a grandparent and grandchild is entirely different when the parent isn't there. It's really hard to explain, but it absolutely is a thing. There's no distraction, no uncertainty for the child about where to focus, it's just a pure 1 to 1 relationship and it's where the real closeness is formed.

It's so close and rewarding, that I look back and wish that my late MIL (who lived 2.5 house away from us) had had more opportunity to have my DDs to herself, back in the day. But of course most of the time she got all of us.

Just as before I had my children, I didn't know what it was like to be a mother, I didn't realise what it would be like to be a grandmother until I became one. There are a few things I'd have done differently had I known the depth and power of the feelings my MIL had for my two. I knew she loved them very much, but not 'how' she loved them.

@saraclara You're absolutely right, it is different. When the parents are there everyone is operating under their boundaries & they are primary caregiver in that moment - of course they are! Especially when the kids are little, everything is referred back to the parents.

When the parents aren't there the rules are different, the boundaries are different & the GP are the primary caregivers - so no referring. That doesn't make the GP the parent in that moment & they don't WANT to be the parent (I'm so sick of reading that, it makes GP who want to spend time with their DGC sound weird & creepy & ppl can genuinely fuck off with it) they want to GRANDparent.

My mum & dad had 20odd years with my kids before I became a grandparent & I never once expected them to live by our rules when they had them (every Friday night at their request). Going to the grandparents should be an adventure, it should be fun ALL the time, not arduous rules & restrictions. It should be staying up late, sleeping in, having inappropriate breakfasts & only having dinners that you look forward to without exception.

GP have done all the formative work with their own kids, grandkids should just be fun whilst their own parents do all the formative stuff & rules etc. It's a break for the kids FROM parenting, it's absolute safety. It's a running joke in my family about how my mum can do no wrong & how my eggs/ x dinner/ whatever isn't as good as hers in my kids eyes (& my sister's kids).

If my son & his girlf didn't want us to have DGS, I'd be gutted but absolutely wouldn't push it, it's their child & they make the decisions, not me, so I do feel privileged that they feel as I do & they want us to have him. Even if D'il' was only happy for her mum to have him, I wouldn't push it, I'd just be really sad.

Assuming it's safe & loving I find it very weird that many parents on here won't allow kids away from them for YEARS to stay with grandparents - I might even go so far as to say its selfish & putting their own needs before the childs wellbeing & growth.