To not want my 2.5yo staying overnight without us

[Bounty9]

DD is 2.5yo and MIL is always asking to have her overnight. I have said yes a couple of times in the last year for our anniversary and a big birthday, but apparently it isn’t enough.

It’s not that she’s a bad sleeper, or I don’t trust MIL. I just hate being apart from her at night. I don’t really have a better excuse than that.

MIL looks after DD one day a week (which we are of course very grateful for) so it’s not like she doesn’t have time with her. Her argument is SIL (her daughter) allows her boys (4yo and 6mo) to stay twice a month.

I appreciate the thought behind it, and she did stay over for a night last August, but I didn’t enjoy being away from her and said to DH that I didn’t feel comfortable doing it again until she’s older and asks for it herself. DH (and others) think I’m crazy for turning it down.

YABU - let MIL have her overnight more often
YANBU - waiting a few more years won’t hurt

Can you compromise and do it like once every month or so? It would be nice to spend some quality time with DH, not to mention DD being comfortable if she had to stay there overnight in an emergency such as you had to be in hospital etc.

This

I was happy not needing a break too. My oldest 12 & 10 only ever stayed anywhere a hand full of times, one being when I was having number 3, my youngest never slept over anywhere when she was little.

Youngest is 7 now and had her first sleep over last year, she’s had numerous since but with the same friend and my 10yo goes too, we also have the 2 friends here regularly.

If you don’t want her to go then don’t feel pressured OP. There is plenty of time for her to have sleepovers when she starts asking for them.

It seems strange that your MIL is so insistent but likewise I am surprised you’re so opposed given that DH is encouraging and your MIL already provides a lot of childcare.

Why would you send your DC to stay the night at a grandparents if neither you or your DD want it? Definitely don't do it

Your child, it's up to you. She doesn't have to stay out anywhere.

Though I'd love for someone to offer to take my DC but that's because they're hard work and me and DP need a night off.

Does she take any toddlers or purely ones she's related to?

It's absolutely up to you. I would say however that it was really useful my child being able to stay over at my mum's aged 2 and a half ish when we had a bit of an emergancy and I think it was a lot easier as she'd done overnights there before. Also our parents are getting older so I don't know if they'd be up to have overnight sleepovers when my child is say 8. You just never know. So it's all about what is important to you. You are mum. You have to make the best decision you can at the time and not judge yourself for it either way.

Haha oh I shouldn't laugh but totally understand

If it helps, DS desperately misses his son when he's not with him (last time DGS stayed I had loads of messages from DS just chatting about him, but radio silence tonight so I'm hoping they're having a lovely peaceful evening) & when DGS wakes in the night he's very easy to settle. THAT SAID he's an incredibly easy child (which seems grossly unfair given what a pita DS was as a toddler!) & has zero separation anxiety.

All 3 of mine & my all my nephews & nieces went/go to my parents every Friday night. Not for our benefit but cos my mum & dad wanted them & they spoil them rotten (neither me nor my sister expect them to parent, they are there to have fun & be special). As a result all the kids have crazy good relationships with them - 15yo DS STILL goes, he's there tonight, cos he's so close to them. From my pov my parents have fostered another safe-place for them which feels important.

It's completely up to you! Mine does stay over once every few months and has since 18 months and it's great! We are very securely attached and co sleep otherwise. For us it's often if they are doing a few days of childcare they prefer it or when we've gone away or had something like a wedding.

The only thing is will you need her for adhoc overnight childcare going forward? We will use my parents as childcare when I have baby no 2 this year and the fact DS is so used to staying there I think will make it less of a worry for me.

YABU

it is healthy for your child to spend overnights with close caregivers and promotes healthy attachments.

attitudes like yours can be a breeding ground for anxiety im children.

this whole thing around "i don't want my child to be apart from me" is not how we are wired to live.

My granddaughter loves her sleepovers at mine. It was actually my DDs idea to start them. The first time they both stayed over as a practice run, and from then on its been fairly regular.

My DD's wisdom in suggesting that we get her used to staying with me paid dividends when her baby sister was admitted to hospital in an emergency. I picked #1 (only just 4) up late at night and brought her to mine, and she ended up with me for four or five days. She was entirely comfortable being at Grandma's, with the occasional visit to the hospital to see mummy and daddy, because sleeping here was 'normal' for her.

I can't imagine what a trauma that late night run, especially, would have been if she wasn't used to sleeping at mine, and having her own bed and everything here.

So for that reason alone, I think it's worth having your child getting used to sleeping elsewhere with someone she loves and is loved by. Hopefully you won't have that kind of emergency, but if you did, wouldn't you feel a lot better about it if she was somewhere where she feels secure? And there are less dramatic problems that crop up that might lead you to need grandma to have her overnight.

ETA and of course she slept at mine when her mum was giving birth to baby sister!

another unhealthy attitude

no wonder we have such a national mental health crisis.

we just don't equip our children with resilience and coping skills because parents are too busy "liking their company" to accept that it is helpful and healthy for children.

It’s your decision but I know my daughter was so grateful that we had GC overnight every couple of weeks from age 12 months. GC really does enjoy and feel secure staying with us ,she is now 5 and still stays every 2-3 weeks.

I hope you’ve written to the head of the NHS and the health secretary with your brilliant advice. If every child was forced to have regular sleepovers away from their parents, especially when they’re not ready, there’d be no kids or adolescents with anxiety. You’ve cracked it.

Of course you are not being unreasonable, she's your child so it's your choice.

Staying over at my grandma’s house was one of my fondest childhood memories. I enjoyed staying over at her house even into my early twenties! We’d watch arty movies and she’d make marmalade on toast with loads of butter in the mornings. She was like a 2nd mum to me and I really miss her still. You never know what your children get from an experience until you let them try.

@IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls bravo you've solved our national mental health crisis!

All because we didn't stay out when we were toddlers. Who would have thought it!?

You for real?

Of course! And why does she have to be consistent? Her child, her feelings!
Sometimes it might suit her, and sometimes it might not. Mothers prerogative.

Last month it might have been ok and this month maybe it isn't, and so bloody what.

Women are always having to do what they don't want to bloody do just to suit other people, I'm sick of it and so must plenty of other women be.

It is absolutely your choice. Yours. Not your husband's, not your mother in law's.

She WANTS to have your child to herself away from you to play mummies.

You NEED to have your child with you. You know that visceral, emotional, physical need to be close to your child.

Others here will snort and scorn and say they'd have jumped at the chance for a night off. They aren't you.

You will know when/if you feel ready to let that lessen.

Say your 'I'm not ready for her to spend the night away from me yet. And before you ask, no I don't have a timetable stating when I WILL be ready. The answer's no.'

It is very important to get her used to settling for someone else in case you need this in an emergency. What if you or husband got taken into hospital and the other needed to be there? Or non emergencies when you get invited to a wedding or night out.

Why does her husband get no choice? It's equally HIS child

YANBU. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be away from your young child. I've never been away from my 2 year old overnight, I've never wanted to or needed to. If it works for others that's great for them, but that doesn't mean you 'should'. Do whatever you feel comfortable with!

She WANTS to have your child to herself away from you to play mummies.

Oh give over. She wants to be the same kind of grandma that she is to her other grandchildren.
When my DD stays over, she'd being my grandchild and I'm being her grandma. It's an entirely different thing.

And as in my post further up, having someone and somewhere where a small grandchild feels safe and happy to sleep, is of great practical and emotional value when life gets tricky. Having to suddenly park a child overnight in a place where they've never slept before, is far more upsetting both for the child and their mother, than if the child is already familiar with the drill, and actually sees her sleepovers with grandma as fun.

Your not doing your child any favours by being clingy in this regard.

over protective parenting im afraid does impact upon resilience and ability to manage emotions including anxiety.

yes i am qualified to say that.

Really its your decision. Its good you get on well with MIL ,however she shouldnt say her DD DC stay over ,so she expects you to.Just say you are grateful for her offer, but you would like to keep DD with you ATM,When she is older you would be happy about it.I am sure she will understand .