To not want my 2.5yo staying overnight without us

[Bounty9]

DD is 2.5yo and MIL is always asking to have her overnight. I have said yes a couple of times in the last year for our anniversary and a big birthday, but apparently it isn’t enough.

It’s not that she’s a bad sleeper, or I don’t trust MIL. I just hate being apart from her at night. I don’t really have a better excuse than that.

MIL looks after DD one day a week (which we are of course very grateful for) so it’s not like she doesn’t have time with her. Her argument is SIL (her daughter) allows her boys (4yo and 6mo) to stay twice a month.

I appreciate the thought behind it, and she did stay over for a night last August, but I didn’t enjoy being away from her and said to DH that I didn’t feel comfortable doing it again until she’s older and asks for it herself. DH (and others) think I’m crazy for turning it down.

YABU - let MIL have her overnight more often
YANBU - waiting a few more years won’t hurt

You want DD around overnight, she isn't keen to stay over there without you. There's no real drive from either of you for overnight stays, so your MIL needs to back off. I don't see how there's anything else to consider.

I understand, I don't want to be away from my son. I'm very protective of my son, especially because MIL doesn't want to follow our rules, so it's always supervised time. Could your MIL come stay over at yours once a month? Or is it worse?

She already raised her own kids, does childcare with yours so she already lived her motherhood, she should let you live yours.

Of course it's your choice, but think of it from the perspective of your childs life.

If DD would really enjoy staying overnight at nans and it's going to be a happy memory for her, I'd allow it.

Sometimes it's hard not to be selfish over being with our children, but they've got their own lives and aren't posessions.

If you aren't comfortable don't do it

I often feel anxious about my daughter staying over at her grandmothers, but it's definitely a me problem because DD is almost 4 now and asks to go

Perhaps don't call someone "Simpleton" with absolutely no justification then.

Wow I haven't seen a bun fight on here for ages.@Bounty9 you take things at your own speed but you really could be looking a gift horse in the mouth.
Slowly slowly and sleep over maybe the first time or so. Go out for the evening but sleep at mil's? Just to make sure dd can adjust. She'll probably just love it.

Mine are 4.5 and 3 and have never slept without us

There was a thread on here a year or so ago like this and one woman proudly announced her 18 year old had never spent a night away from home …. no special needs.

I feel you are being unreasonable if you allow it sporadically. Those nights without you will stress your daughter out more than if it was a more frequent/routine occurance. I would either allow it to become more regular or not at all.

I would say that’s how kids staying overnight with relatives works, yes.

DD is a teenager and has a close relationship with MIL. She goes to stay in the summer for a week every year and has done for about 6 years. Before that she went for weekends But she didn't stay overnight with her until she was about 5 or 6.

It's not all or nothing, kids can have close relationships with out sleep overs and they don't have to start sleeping over when they are tiny to be close either

My kids love stopping at their nonnas, and all of the fun experiences that come with it (getting into her bed and giving her a snuggle in the morning, tv treat at bedtime, different bath toys etc). Randomly, my little girl would be so extra chatty the following day - I think it gives them new surroundings and a fun, safe experience.

Could you stop over too the first time? My best memories as a child were with my own grandma. Better to do it on relaxed terms than have to send her in an emergency situation one day

Yabu

Equally though I see plenty of posters with young children treating it like a kind of service. Some posters have already brazenly stated that they won’t consider it UNTIL it is actually serving a purpose because they need a babysitter. THEN suddenly they are actually ok with it.

I have young children - admittedly both slightly older than OP’s little one. Both children love staying over at their grandparents and it’s a massive treat. My eldest loves going without her sibling as she gets one on one time and to be honest is treated like a visiting queen. I have core memories of staying with my grandparents and it still brings a warm and cosy glow of utter contentment when I think of it. I wouldn’t never deny that to my own children.

likewise part of being a parent is looking forward to the potential of grandchildren, and one day I would like to be that adored granny who helps create those memories- I won’t deny it. So yes part of me sending my children to their grandparents is FOR the sake of my parents and my in-laws as it brings them so much joy too. There is nothing wrong with wanting to create memories with your grandchildren, even though mumsnet seems to believe that once you’ve brought up your own children women should turn into service machines whose only purpose is to do exactly what their adult children need at exactly the right time, rather than have their own hopes and wishes that might also still be in any way considered.

OPs daughter is still very little and I totally get the feeling of not wanting to be apart. I don’t think MIL is unreasonable either though so I think a proper conversation is probably best. MIL might be feeling a bit of rejection so I’m sure OP can reassure her on that whilst still not doing anything she isn’t comfortable with.

You guys have your time together as a couple and enjoy family time at the weekend. Nothing wrong with that. Twice a month is every other weekend! Great for some but I'd never want to do that.

I think her saying she realises now how much her children missed out on is a bit unfair of her. Bit of a coincidence that she get her way as a mum and as a grandparent.

I think you could reframe it to her that it's not that you don't want her staying away but just that you enjoy being together at the weekend. The more relaxed bedtimes and mornings etc.

I think it is important that DC get used to being away from their parents and used to sleeping elsewhere. What would happen if you were taken ill and had to go to hospital? Or if there was a family emergency? I honestly think parenting is about teaching children to be independent and doing sleepovers with GPs is a good start.

Just tell MIL that DD doesn’t want to stay without you. And I’d be eye rolling at the claim that she’s realised what she did wrong - rubbish. She wasn’t comfortable at her DC staying overnight without her but she expects you to be? My MIL never pushed like this and I’m grateful as it would have caused problems.

Your little girl is only 2 and has said herself she isn’t ready to sleep anywhere different without her mum. I think that’s quite normal for 2. Loads of time in the future for her to decide she wants to sleep in nanny’s house with just nanny. None of this screams overprotective, just protective, which is what we’re meant to be as parents.

I’m quite surprised at how many people have said OP is being unreasonable for saying no when her very young daughter has said she doesn’t to sleep away from mummy.

Assuming that the grandparents are decent people, I find most posts this thread really depressing.

On multiple other threads on this site, posters complain about uninvolved grandparents. Yet here, those who love their grandchildren and want to be involved 'just want to play mummies' or are being selfish.

Yes, I love my DGD coming for sleepovers. I couldn't be happier when I get a video call, my DGD's little face fills the screen, and she asks if she can come for a sleepover. Why is that wrong? Are grandparents just to be kept on a shelf to be useful and loving when it suits their DILs, but to have no wishes or enjoyment of their own that come from that same deep love of their grandchildren?

The child is not ready - a grandmother’s wishes do not override that.