To not want my 2.5yo staying overnight without us

[Bounty9]

DD is 2.5yo and MIL is always asking to have her overnight. I have said yes a couple of times in the last year for our anniversary and a big birthday, but apparently it isn’t enough.

It’s not that she’s a bad sleeper, or I don’t trust MIL. I just hate being apart from her at night. I don’t really have a better excuse than that.

MIL looks after DD one day a week (which we are of course very grateful for) so it’s not like she doesn’t have time with her. Her argument is SIL (her daughter) allows her boys (4yo and 6mo) to stay twice a month.

I appreciate the thought behind it, and she did stay over for a night last August, but I didn’t enjoy being away from her and said to DH that I didn’t feel comfortable doing it again until she’s older and asks for it herself. DH (and others) think I’m crazy for turning it down.

YABU - let MIL have her overnight more often
YANBU - waiting a few more years won’t hurt

honestly mothers have gone bonkers in this country.

children since the beginning of time have been raised in communities with extended families sharing child care (for more than a few hours)

our brains are wired for connection with others since birth it is a ridiculous modern concept that babies and small children just need mum and don't need to be cared for by other caregivers.

mums stress about poor little one not needing to stay with granny overnight... but how many of these same people are happy for their young children to play on a mobile phone, ipad etc etc

Not all women want/ need a break. It's ok to love being around your kids & especially that young just be really sad when you're apart. It's a biological instinct to want your babies close!!

Nothing wrong equally with letting her go so you can have a break/ reset if that's what you want and it allows you to be the best version of yourself & therefore the best mum to her.

It's a biological instinct to want your babies close!!

Clearly I was completely lacking in biological instinct then. Mine stayed at Granny’s regularly after the first time when he was five months. They both had a blast and he loved going. The close relationship continued through the rest of her life, they adored one another and his memories of her reduced a whole crematorium full of people to tears when she died. I wish all kids could experience that.

It is your choice op, if you don't want to you don't have to, the only things I would say it is sometimes not a bad idea for children to stay elsewhere, especially with a GP you obviously trust, in case they need to stay there in an emergency, makes it less of a big deal for them.

Of course. It's her child!

So you're happy to do it now that it suits you?

@JMSA Yes. And the fact that DS is older. But what would be the point of him having a sleepover if it didn't suit us?

Would a good enough reason be that he might enjoy it?

@BIossomtoes Knowing both him and my parents, I'm not sure he would particularly have fun, or, at least, more fun than he has at home.

I ask DD if she wants to sleep at her house and she says ‘I want to sleep at nana’s house with mummy’.

There's your answer.

She has 3 children and never let any of them stay overnight when they were little and now says as a grandparent she realises how much hers missed out on because of that.

That's manipulative! MIL is not doing it because of this realisation - she's doing it to fulfil her own needs. I would listen to your daughter and follow your own needs and hers.

My babies/children never stayed anywhere without me, but that’s because my mother was an alcoholic and couldn’t be trusted and my MIL was elderly. My son is now a teen so he will call my MIL frequently to check in on her and he often turns up at her house for dinner - so it didn’t impact his relationship by not staying over when little but it would have been nice for me once in a while.

My DD is 3 and i’ve never been away from her and wouldn’t allow anyone to have ger overnight unless absolitely necessary. I’m giving birth soon and terrified of the fact me and OH won’t be there overnight and my mum will have her, I hate being away from her.

It's absolutely consistent, couldn't be more consistent. DC stats over if and when it suits DM. If MIL isn't agreeable, she can, of course, decline. It's almost as if the DM isn't entitled to her own wants and needs. As carrier and birther of said child, OP, don't be letting others tell you what is and isn't reasonable, that's for you to dictate.

Mine is almost 3.5 and never spent a night away from me and her Dad. I know she wouldn’t be happy during the night so I’m waiting for her to be a bit older to understand we won’t be there if she needs us

Terrified? Wow, really ? Don’t you trust your mother ?

Could you ask your daughter what she’d like? My daughter loved staying over, not often but she loved the fuss and the change of scene. It was a nice experience for her and helped build bonds.

Must be hard when you get older and miss having kids staying over. Your MIL would be so happy and I bet your daughter would too. You could go out to the cinema with your partner. You’re lucky to have someone offer. Not everyone does & they’re not around forever.

YANBU my PIL pressuring to have my 4 year old for a week of sleepovers for no reason!! I keep saying no. They live over 6 hours away. If it was for 1 night I would be more open to it. Why do I want to be apart from my child for a week? So pressuring

If MIL is generally normal and not one of the MN batshit crazy ones, I would maybe let her have DD overnight occasionally.

The bond and 'making memories' with Granny is priceless. My maternal Granny died over 30 years ago now and I can still remember loving the one and only sleepover I had with her which was during the time my paternal Granny was in hospital dying.

Yes she's had her kids but that doesn't mean she can't be a wonderful Granny.

My son is 4 and has still never spent the night away from me. YANBU

My dd wouldn’t have been ok to do this at this age. By 6 she was ready. Listen to your child, not the adult.

This is the first time you mentioned your dd’s high needs. I am not seeing anything wrong in the response from Tourmalines.

Your baby, your choice. Simply tell your mil that being apart from your dd stresses you and prevents you from sleeping so Thanks but no thanks.

And repeat until she stops asking.