To be pissed off that he didn’t offer?

[PB96]

I’ve been with new boyfriend around 3 months, known him around 6 and he has been regularly staying around my house for the last 2 months. He has his own place but I have a dog that I don’t like to leave and he lives in a flat whereas I have a house and garden.

He stayed over the other night. We both didn’t sleep all that well for different reasons. He is pretty used to not sleeping very much due to work and was absolutely fine, whereas I have a chronic health condition and if I don’t sleep well, I felt absolutely rotten the next morning (severe headaches, feeling sick, struggle to get out of bed sort of thing).

I do all the cooking for us both, as he doesn’t like doing it but does it absolutely fine for himself at his own house, and I don’t know if he feels 100% comfortable cooking at my house. So we woke up the next morning, and I was really really struggling, it got to around midday and we were both hungry however he didn’t once offer to get up and make breakfast for us both even though he knew how awful I felt, he just waited until I was up and out of bed to cook something (for him too).

AIBU to be pissed off about this and that he could have made the effort as a one-off?

Surely you'd already got out of bed to let your dog out for the toilet and feed it?

Did you ask..? Three months is a fairly new relationship so you're right, he might not feel comfortable cooking in your kitchen without you. Equally, it's a fairly new relationship for him to be staying over 'regularly', and as an adult it doesn't really matter if you like cooking, you just have to do it! Maybe you both need some more space. I don't know, it shouldn't be this hard this early?

New relationship, staying over in your house so perhaps still feels a guest. Would he have got breakfast (of sorts) if you'd asked him to?

I had… but a quick 5 minutes is different to cooking over a stove a proper hot breakfast which is the only thing he eats when he is here.

Why does he needs to offer ? How about “would you mind making me a brew & some toast, I feel dreadful”

It’s not normally hard, and he doesn’t stay over regularly, it was the first time I had seen him in over a week because of his work hours. I didn’t ask, which I perhaps could have done, you’re right

Proper hot breakfast! Wonder what he manages at home? He's rather cheeky and expensive.

Well you're making a rod for your own back with this one. If this relationship lasts you aren't going to want to make a cooked breakfast for him every day. Next week, don't buy any bacon and just get some pastries in. Kill this expectation quick.

Oh right, is he under the impression it's a B&B?! Sounds like a CF, dump

I think being able to communicate your needs is an important part of a relationship. Yours is quite new, so he may not be sure of expectations. Better to say "I feel really dreadful, please could you make breakfast today".
(Although equally he didn't feel able to say anything either - lack of communication both ways would worry me)

It just sounds like he isn't comfortable in your house yet, especially if he doesnt stay over often.

In those circumstances you need not shouldn't read into it anymore than that

You have not been seeing eachother that long, I wouldn't just start cooking in your house and helping myself to things in your cupboards/fridge etc.

Ask him next time, "I'm feeling pretty rough/tired/CBA this morning, would you mind making us a cuppa and some breakfast please?" Perhaps after doing that he would feel more comfortable doing it without waiting for you/asking in future.

I also wouldn't be making him a full cooked breakfast every time he slept over, you ain't running a B&B.

See this is where talking to people and communication is so important. It's a new relationship, it's your house. He may not have felt it appropriate to raid your fridge and cook up a hot breakfast. I can actually imagine the post of he had "new boyfriend decided to cook all the bacon and sausage in my fridge without asking me first and I was saving them for the weekend- should I ask him to replace the food"
So if you want him to feel comfortable to help himself then tell him.

Hey love, if you are up before me, please feel free to make some food for us, actually I would love to wake up to a nice cooked breakfast.

I would find it pretty presumptuous if someone I’d only known for 3 months started cooking food in my home without a prior discussion tbh

You need to communicate to him that you’re happy for him to make breakfast for you both but I do think the ‘he only eats a cooked breakfast’ s bit cheeky. Does he contribute to the cost or bring his own food?

Use your words. “I feel awful, would you master breakfast for us today? Stuff is in the fridge/cupboard. Thank you”

I don’t think I’d start cooking in someone’s house after 3 months of dating without them asking.

Sorry OP why would he offer to make you breakfast if you were feeling sick. He should have asked if he could get you anything

Some people also don’t feel hungry so it may not have occurred to him.

Just tell him! People don't have telepathy.

There's quite a lot in this one actually. Although not all of it is relevant.

1 It's true that he might not feel comfortable just making himself at home in your house.

2 Having said that, surely offering to make you a cup of tea and a slice of toast is not a big deal? More relevant for me is that there's a basic lack of care - when you're unwell and someone you care about is with you, you'd want them to instinctively want to help you even if it's a generic, "can I get you anything?"

3 You absolutely should have asked, "I feel rubbish - do you mind please making me a cup of tea and perhaps some toast?"

4 why on earth are you doing a cooked breakfast every time he comes over?

5 It's terribly presumptuous of him to assume a cooked breakfast whenever he stays over. Does he expect it or do you insist?

So, at best, there's some miscommunication. At worst, he's a thoughtless git.

So when he is at your house (which is the majority of the time) he doesn't like to cook but only eats a full English? I assume you pay too.

He sounds like a cocklodger.

I have chronic health conditions with similar symptoms. One of my (many) hard learned lessons is to always ask if I need something that I think somebody else is able to help me with. Never leave anyone trying to guess your needs. It might be obvious to you that you didn't feel well and would've appreciated him cooking. However, there could be many reasons why he didn't. Maybe he didn't realise you were hungry if you felt sick, and thought you'd rather appreciate peace and quiet to go back to sleep, and he felt he was being considerate by waiting? Maybe he thought you'd be offended as it's your kitchen? Maybe he just didn't know what you'd like to eat? Maybe he didn't feel comfortable taking the initiative to cool in your kitchen? Maybe a bit of all of them combined with a normal level of sluggishness after a poor nights sleep just meant he didn't muster up the energy for the decision and the initiative, but would've been happy to do it if he knew for sure what you needed and that you would've appreciated his effort.

In my experience with my own DH (who I've been living with for 16 years), just being asked for the help takes a lot less out of him than having to guess. And I do need him to take over sometimes, which is a potentially taxing factor in a relationship or marriage (especially as we have a child together, too). I realize your relationship is much newer and much more in the fresh and romantic phase that mine, but I still think just asking for whatever you need when you're unwell would be a good investment for you.

And yes, asking your partner to help out with cooking or other domestic tasks when you feel unwell due to chronic health conditions is perfectly reasonable. Of course he should do the cooking for both of you.

You both sound hard work in your own ways, but a man who only eats cooked breakfast is a PITA not to mention the greasy smell every morning 🤢

I’m sure I’ve seen this thread recently but about a GF, same thing about cooked breakfasts? Could you not just have asked him to make you some toast or something? You sound like a bit of a martyr, sorry.

What the fuck? Who is this lazy, gluttonous, selfish prick? You can do so much better. You’re three months in FFS. 🤮

Yeah, I don’t think you should ever have children 😅

Use your words.
Stop doing all the cooking and preparing him a cooked breakfast every time he’s over, you are literally growing a useless cocklodger. Point him in the direction of the toaster or the local cafe and tell him what you’d like.