Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that he didn’t offer?

134 replies

PB96 · 17/01/2025 11:42

I’ve been with new boyfriend around 3 months, known him around 6 and he has been regularly staying around my house for the last 2 months. He has his own place but I have a dog that I don’t like to leave and he lives in a flat whereas I have a house and garden.

He stayed over the other night. We both didn’t sleep all that well for different reasons. He is pretty used to not sleeping very much due to work and was absolutely fine, whereas I have a chronic health condition and if I don’t sleep well, I felt absolutely rotten the next morning (severe headaches, feeling sick, struggle to get out of bed sort of thing).

I do all the cooking for us both, as he doesn’t like doing it but does it absolutely fine for himself at his own house, and I don’t know if he feels 100% comfortable cooking at my house. So we woke up the next morning, and I was really really struggling, it got to around midday and we were both hungry however he didn’t once offer to get up and make breakfast for us both even though he knew how awful I felt, he just waited until I was up and out of bed to cook something (for him too).

AIBU to be pissed off about this and that he could have made the effort as a one-off?

OP posts:
MrsSunshine2b · 17/01/2025 15:12

You could have said,

"Sorry, I'm not up to cooking today. I might be able to offer you a piece of toast in a while, but if you would like a cooked breakfast, all the ingredients are in the fridge and it would be much appreciated."

If he'd then tried to insist on you getting up and making him a full English, I'd have every sympathy but just lying there and hoping he reads your mind is odd behaviour.

FWIW, no-one feels great after a poor night of sleep. I also have a chronic illness which is terribly affected by poor sleep, but it is worth taking into consideration that whilst he might not have felt as bad as you, he was still most probably not at his best either.

ByAquaKoala · 17/01/2025 15:17

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel upset about it. However, I would have asked him to help with dog and making the breakfast. Sometimes men are really shortsighted and they don't do anything proactively until you tell them. I would take some time to calm down and then talk to him about it. If he understands, great. If not, then I would be concerned

diddl · 17/01/2025 15:17

So how has it come about that he only eats a cooked breakfast at yours?

Do you always offer?

I do all the cooking for us both, as he doesn’t like doing it

No shit!

BeLilacSloth · 17/01/2025 15:19

Welcome to the real world OP, many of us have struggles and health conditions, sometimes you need to just get on with it. What would you of done if he hadn’t been there? Lay in bed all day and not eat, called an ambulance??

SunshineSky81 · 17/01/2025 15:36

Or just maybe he could have seen using his grown up man eyes that you were not feeling well, dug deep and found a slither of empathy , thought to himself, oh crap she is not well, perhaps i should offer to do something rather than sit on my arse and wait for cooking machine to stop being defective and musterd up the sentence "ah sweetheart you dont look well, can i get you anything? cup of tea? toast something from the shop? "

Are people really thinking that if you are staying in someones house and they are unwell that they wouldn't offer to make them something as after all its not their house or their kitchen ?

NameChangedOfc · 17/01/2025 15:40

OhBling · 17/01/2025 12:12

There's quite a lot in this one actually. Although not all of it is relevant.

1 It's true that he might not feel comfortable just making himself at home in your house.

2 Having said that, surely offering to make you a cup of tea and a slice of toast is not a big deal? More relevant for me is that there's a basic lack of care - when you're unwell and someone you care about is with you, you'd want them to instinctively want to help you even if it's a generic, "can I get you anything?"

3 You absolutely should have asked, "I feel rubbish - do you mind please making me a cup of tea and perhaps some toast?"

4 why on earth are you doing a cooked breakfast every time he comes over?

5 It's terribly presumptuous of him to assume a cooked breakfast whenever he stays over. Does he expect it or do you insist?

So, at best, there's some miscommunication. At worst, he's a thoughtless git.

This, yes

TimetoPour · 17/01/2025 15:41

You have a tongue in your head, you should have used it.

“Fred, do feel free to make yourself at home, help yourself to breakfast etc as I feel lousy”

It’s not difficult.

CautiousOptimist · 17/01/2025 15:46

'I feel awful today, would you mind making us some breakfast please? Help yourself to whatever you want but it doesn't have to be anything fancy, toast and scrambled eggs would be great. I'm going to read for a bit, thanks.'
I don't understand why you wouldn't just have a conversation.

Weepixie · 17/01/2025 15:46

I’m not understanding people saying perhaps he’s feeling shy about using your kitchen when him and the op have been sharing body fluids.

Shinyandnew1 · 17/01/2025 16:37

I had… but a quick 5 minutes is different to cooking over a stove a proper hot breakfast which is the only thing he eats when he is here.

He doesn't cook for you at all but only eats a cooked breakfast at yours?!

Sounds like he's got it made, doesn't it?! Who pays for the cooked breakfast food? Who washes up??

StormingNorman · 17/01/2025 17:23

I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking it on myself to cook in a new partner’s house at this stage. But I’d feel equally awkward both laying awake in bed until midday. Did nobody say anything about getting up, getting a drink?

I’m perplexed how a conversation didn’t happen: “I slept terribly and feel like death. Would you mind d putting the kettle on”? Or “I’m not up to cooking the full works for breakfast. Do you think you could do the honours”?

VickyEadieofThigh · 17/01/2025 17:51

TeenLifeMum · 17/01/2025 12:08

Use your words. “I feel awful, would you master breakfast for us today? Stuff is in the fridge/cupboard. Thank you”

I don’t think I’d start cooking in someone’s house after 3 months of dating without them asking.

I dunno - I find it astonishing that so many people on here (including people married/together for YEARS) can happily have sex on a regular basis but are too embarrassed to raise perfectly innocuous topics like 'I'm really ill, could you make the breakfast today?"

GrandmotherStillLearning · 17/01/2025 17:54

PB96 · 17/01/2025 11:42

I’ve been with new boyfriend around 3 months, known him around 6 and he has been regularly staying around my house for the last 2 months. He has his own place but I have a dog that I don’t like to leave and he lives in a flat whereas I have a house and garden.

He stayed over the other night. We both didn’t sleep all that well for different reasons. He is pretty used to not sleeping very much due to work and was absolutely fine, whereas I have a chronic health condition and if I don’t sleep well, I felt absolutely rotten the next morning (severe headaches, feeling sick, struggle to get out of bed sort of thing).

I do all the cooking for us both, as he doesn’t like doing it but does it absolutely fine for himself at his own house, and I don’t know if he feels 100% comfortable cooking at my house. So we woke up the next morning, and I was really really struggling, it got to around midday and we were both hungry however he didn’t once offer to get up and make breakfast for us both even though he knew how awful I felt, he just waited until I was up and out of bed to cook something (for him too).

AIBU to be pissed off about this and that he could have made the effort as a one-off?

I personally would have just said I am not cooking today as feel rubbish but I look forward to your delightful surprise from the kitchen.

Job done

RawBloomers · 17/01/2025 18:19

A one off thing that he doesn’t do and you didn’t ask him to do, seems a bit unreasonable to be disappointed about. But there are a couple of small red flags that might be waving here -

Did he show any care for you when you were clearly struggling? Or was he just waiting for you to get your act together so you could have fun the way you normally do?

In 3 months of you spending almost all your time together at your place, has he not offered to cook or order in once? Are you buying and cooking food for him that you wouldn’t normally do for yourself? Is he doing anything to make up for the expense you’re going to?

I do think you need to be able to communicate your needs, but at the same time I think it’s important that you don’t always have to ask for him to be giving. You’ve only given us a snapshot of one morning of your relationship, but you made it sound like he doesn’t do much for you normally it just disappointed you that day because you weren’t feeling well. If that’s the case then stay disappointed, he’s not a guy to be in a relationship with.

Wonderi · 17/01/2025 19:56

YABVU there’s no way I would be offering to make breakfast at a boyfriends house, who I’ve only been with for 3 months and only stayed over a few times.

I would just feel so rude!

He doesn’t know you well enough yet to know how unwell you felt or to feel comfortable rifling around in your kitchen cupboards.

I would have just asked him if he fancied making us breakfast as you’re not feeling well.

You’re acting like he’s being a CF but it’s your home and you admit that you don’t like staying his because of your dog.

Fidgety31 · 17/01/2025 20:01

He’s a man - they don’t pick up on hints . You have to tell him what to do. A bit like having another dog .

Kebabbky · 17/01/2025 20:33

Fidgety31 · 17/01/2025 20:01

He’s a man - they don’t pick up on hints . You have to tell him what to do. A bit like having another dog .

🤦‍♀️

MarvellousMonsters · 18/01/2025 18:09

PB96 · 17/01/2025 11:42

I’ve been with new boyfriend around 3 months, known him around 6 and he has been regularly staying around my house for the last 2 months. He has his own place but I have a dog that I don’t like to leave and he lives in a flat whereas I have a house and garden.

He stayed over the other night. We both didn’t sleep all that well for different reasons. He is pretty used to not sleeping very much due to work and was absolutely fine, whereas I have a chronic health condition and if I don’t sleep well, I felt absolutely rotten the next morning (severe headaches, feeling sick, struggle to get out of bed sort of thing).

I do all the cooking for us both, as he doesn’t like doing it but does it absolutely fine for himself at his own house, and I don’t know if he feels 100% comfortable cooking at my house. So we woke up the next morning, and I was really really struggling, it got to around midday and we were both hungry however he didn’t once offer to get up and make breakfast for us both even though he knew how awful I felt, he just waited until I was up and out of bed to cook something (for him too).

AIBU to be pissed off about this and that he could have made the effort as a one-off?

I'm going to assume he knows you have a chronic health condition? The first few months of a new relationship are the 'honeymoon phase' and if he's treating you with such lack of care now, this is not going to be a healthy balanced loving relationship. Sit him down and explain to him that you're not his mother, he's a grown-ass man who knows how to prepare food, and when you're unwell he needs to pitch in, not sit and wait for you to do everything. If he doesn't apologise profusely and get his act together, bin him.

Justaspy · 18/01/2025 20:04

Be angry at your choice not the dimwit you chose.

PruneEnigmatique · 18/01/2025 22:07

BeLilacSloth · 17/01/2025 15:19

Welcome to the real world OP, many of us have struggles and health conditions, sometimes you need to just get on with it. What would you of done if he hadn’t been there? Lay in bed all day and not eat, called an ambulance??

If he hadn't been there, OP wouldn't be expected to cook a hot breakfast for him.

That's the whole issue, which has noting to do with suddenly being in a "real world". Unless spoilt manboys expecting to be babied by women are "real world". I guess they are for many women but they don't have to be.

2025willbemytime · 18/01/2025 22:13

PB96 · 17/01/2025 11:49

I had… but a quick 5 minutes is different to cooking over a stove a proper hot breakfast which is the only thing he eats when he is here.

Show quote history

I bet it is!

Toptops · 18/01/2025 22:35

Ask him!

Rachmorr57 · 18/01/2025 22:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

healthybychristmas · 18/01/2025 22:57

So even though you were feeling ill he waited until you got up to have breakfast? And even though you were feeling ill he let you get up to sort out the dog?

This is not someone who you should be interested in having a relationship with. He's selfish.

pollymere · 18/01/2025 23:39

Reversing the situation. I wouldn't have felt comfortable cooking breakfast in my bfs flat when we'd only been together six months.

My DH is amazing if I tell him I've had a bad night but it took him a while to realise what this really meant when we were first together. And he'd have probably suggested going out for breakfast or popping out to buy croissants rather than cooking in my kitchen.

Your BF doesn't live with you so he possibly sees it as a boundary he hasn't crossed rather than him being an unfeeling lump. Especially if you had managed to get out of bed to do other tasks.